Catching up

Hi Christine Darling!

Oh I love how you write, just pouring your heart out. You have such a full heart! I hear you. Christmas is a difficult time for a lot of people all around the world. So remember, you have a lot of company in your sadness at this time of year especially. It is healthy to feel sad, and I love how you express your sadness - so real, so honest, so raw. Some feelings hurt, even though they're healthy.

Yesterday my spirit finally picked up, and today my energy was back to normal. So I'm hoping I finally turned over a new leaf. Thank you for your sympathy 🙏 😘 I hope you're continuing on a healthy path towards recovery, slowly but surely picking up energy .

I'm so glad you like the Christmas decoration pictures. The pic that looks like a wicker reindeer is actually a goat that is typical at Christmas in Sweden, made of straw. We had one growing up, as my mother is Swedish, and I saw it in Ikea a couple of years ago. I looked online to see if I could show you, but they don't sell it anymore. While looking, other Christmas ornaments grabbed my heart. So I bought them and they're arriving next week, when I'll show them to you.

I used to puzzle with my Mom. We were estranged for 20 years. Then we reunited six years ago, but I haven't seen her as she lives in Canada. So it's been 26 years since we puzzled together. Here is one she recently finished. She sent me the pic on WhatsApp....

Here's one of my favourite Christmas songs that helps me grieve the people I miss. This is the first Christmas song I listen to this year. What a comfort to share it with you....

Love and hugs and kisses to you, Sweetie and Little Fox 😘🌻🥰

Hi Christine Darling! 👋🤗

It's totally okay to feel sad. You do it well. I wish more people would allow themselves to feel sad and express their sadness. I think the world would be a better place. It would be a more real and a more inclusive world. I allow myself to feel sad as well as happy. It's hard to do both, but it's fabulous to be able to. I've done a lot of therapy to get to this point.

Thank you for your kind words about my Mom. It's still very strained most of the time, but I actually have a relationship with her now and I treasure that. The fact that we've made peace is a miracle, considering where we once were. Here is another puzzle she just finished.

When is your sister coming next?

Congrats on getting so much done in the garden. Wow! I hope you're still recovering 🙏😊

No IKEA for you? That's dreadful! I'm so sorry it shut down.

Tomorrow I pick up my IKEA decorations and my stickers. Yay!! Will post pics. Thank you so much for decorating with me this year. I've never in my life enjoyed decorating for Christmas as much as this year, thanks to you. 🥰😘♥️

I found this fantastic video with a compilation of top 2025 Christmas commercials that includes your favourite.

Love and snuggles and warmth to you, Sweetie and Little Fox 🌟🎄🌟

Hi Christine 👋🏼 😊

I hope your visit with your sister went well.

I'm dying to see your pics!

How did your doc appointment go?

Here are some flowers I recently spotted for you.

Big hugs and kisses to you, Sweetie and Little Fox ❣️😘🥰

Hi Starry,

Very belated festive post. I do apologise. Been caught up in gardening between rain showers and then xmas household but I'm here now with you and have lots of pics to show you. But I can just say how adorable your cats are. Sweetie loves her cardboard boxes and they're all over the house. She hides in them when she needs a safe space (was a stray), chews them to bits, and plays with her toy (lots of banging about). So needless to say I have big boxes in every room with very little floor space. She scrabbles in the bedroom one to make sure I can't drift off again at 6.30 when she wants to toilet outside. Anyway, here are the festive bits and bobs.

3 wreaths - Mam, Dad and my beloved cat, Porscha.

A traditional nod to all the beautiful traditional Christmases I have enjoyed in a red and green colour palette.

Angel wings for mam and dad, with love doves nesting and added purple foliage from the garden.

My fave is the gold cherub. He makes an appearance every year, even if he's held together now with ribbon. The 3 gold stars are for each of them.

Hung them together over the xmas table so I can see them through the window.

And buddha is sporting a festive ivy crown.

The angel dresses come out every year too with dad in a toga, mam in a beautiful gown and little Porsch in a simple slip dress sporting a long tail.

The coloured ribbons were added after Porsch died. It was where we sat to watch all the birds bringing their babies to feed and paddle in the pond. She was such a sweetheart and very frail at the end. I was syringe feeding her because she had stopped eating. Crying now! Everyone I love has died.

Back to the garden display. I created an abstract manger just outside of the window where I sit on a morn and watch the garden wake with the light. Mother and foal nestle in a woodland of xmas trees (3, one per), holly, Tiny Tims (for it's fab foliage) and my fave tiny xmas tree. I found the lights after my rummage through my parents xmas boxes in the loft (took me 4 years and I was absolutely sobbing) with sis perched up the ladder spurring me on to find the bauble she had bought them to take home as a keepsake. Only half light up but that's enough for a nod to my parents and all those years I spent up a ladder rigging the lights around the house for them. I still can't believe they aren't here. Just makes no sense. I honestly couldn't imagine they would leave me.

Mother has lost her sparkle after my little fox was caught rummaging in amongst it all. I expect he's bitten through a wire but can't see where. Quite magical all lit up

as I watch through my window adorned in festive cheer.

The satsumas create a fragrant aroma when the radiators are on. One window panel is a heavily adorned Christmas Tree

and I have a snowman in one corner playing with the stags.

Quite beautiful when it's raining.

I created the shrine after mam and I add precious trinkets each year. The Tree of Life replaces a real xmas tree because I just can't do xmas now. It has become part of the shrine.

Ancient baubles adorn the urns

and my pompom angel dance in the candlelight.

A star guides the way to a manger

and mam and dad embrace as golden peacocks nearby.

My textile ornament comes out too, a nod to beginnings of artistry which has shaped my life.

Red robins join their feathered friends on the candelabra

and the bell with the face that haunted my sis for years makes me laugh every time I chance upon it.

Porsch sleeps on in her own shrine watched over by her guardian angel, my Grandma.

The stag has lost his antlers and looks more like a young foal again.

The little angel mam bought me on her last xmas is still full of vigour.

How I wish the golden key could unlock a magical door so I could slip through and rejoin my old life. I'd live there forever.

Sweetie has already been at the 3D church puzzle I bring out every xmas as a nod to mam and all the Sunday schools I attended as a child.

The bedroom is adorned in threadbare tinsel, tickling the angels as they watch over me sleeping.

Cat, koala and old Pandy (trying hard to keep his eyes open but he's so old now) are eagerly awaiting their snow ride, tucked up in fur and tartan.

Harlie Quinn is all set for ice skating, even if she isn't dressed appropriately.

The glamour of a festive outing.

Food shop has been dealt with, even if my chocolate log enraged me with it's miniature scale! Getting a refund, but that's not the point! Thank goodness I also got a trifle.

Have made a good start on my xmas puzzle (my fave)

and have already devoured much of the Quality Street. Gets smaller each year and I do miss the jazzy wrappers of bygone times.

I'd trade all of it just for a second with am and dad, to tell them how loved and missed they are. I find xmas without them unbearable. Going through the motions of it all just for them, a nod to all the festive mayhem growing up. In tears again so I'll go.

I hope you post your window stickers. Be lovely to see yours. And I hope it was worth the wait. I do apologise again. If I wasn't cracking on with the house and garden I was falling apart with the cancer worry and stressing about the follow up date being given and then take away and given back again for tomorrow. Hope to get some understanding of it all so I can decide on whether to go ahead with the radiotherapy in Jan. Will keep you posted hun.

Lots of love xxx

Hi Christine Darling and a Very Merry Christmas!!! Thank you so much for all your lovely pictures! I'm so sorry you have to do radiotherapy. It's so exhausting to have it done, and it sounds like it's going to be very invasive. Have you considered not doing treatment? Do you have somebody that you can bounce ideas off of, like perhaps your sister? Please feel free to talk to me about it. As you might remember, I too had cancer treatments - surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. So I might be able to be of some support.

I absolutely adore your decorations! The doves on the wreaths are just magical, so sweet. The cherub is a delightful gold colour. The pinkish purple roses around the cherub....gorgeous wow! The angel dresses are a great idea! My first thought was they may be the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. 😊 We have those light deers in Canada too and I love them!

Your textile ornament is just gorgeous! Did you teach yourself to do that? Or have you taken courses?

I imagine the thought of a golden key to the past is a great idea to help you get through the grief of the present.

You're so brave to keep going on after losing your parents and Grandma and your Porsha. It's so good to hear you have a support group to help guide and hold you.

Today I stayed in alone with family video calling from Sweden and Canada. It was a really peaceful and quiet day. Just beautiful. Tomorrow my brother will call from Canada and I'm going to lunch with some of my Spanish family.

Your sticker display is just delightful! I put mine up today, as I was waiting for you to show your arrangement. I really really like what I did, and there are still tons of stickers left, so I will be decorating with you in mind again next year. 💕 I did one window with New Year's in mind, and the other one for Christmas. What do you think?

(There is a white light beam on the wall outside from the neighbours' lights)

Here are some flower pics from this week for you...

And here are some shots for you from this week, while sitting in the park...

Sending you, Sweetie and Little Fox much love and huge Christmas hugs. 🥰🎄😘

Happy Christmas Starry,

Will pop in tomorrow just to say hi and I hope your Christmas day is filled with lovely things.

Lots of love babe xxx

Hi Starry,

Oh babe you such a kind and supportive friend. I've had a horrible Christmas and didn't manage to post and so do apologise. Sobbing most of the day. I spent every xmas day with my parents and then Boxing Day with my sis and her kids and my parents. A very grown up affair dressed in my chocolate ballgown! and then mayhem the next. I just can't handle them not being here and spending Christmas and every day alone. At least on the other days I can immerse myself in jobs, the garden, my textiles, whatever.

I hope you had fun with your Spanish pals and had the phone calls you were waiting for. My call with sis became very fraught (we don't get along easily and I just can't understand why she is so angry with me) and she has ignored me since. Even when I was distressed and in floods of tears getting a hospital letter advising me to now proceed with radiotherapy, having been told I don't need it. My minor salivary gland cancer is rare and isn't radio sensitive so I could have the treatment and have long term damage with no effect and it return. Phone call to Macmillan nurses helped me get a new Q&A together for another telephone consult (waiting for them to get back to me about it). So distressing. Need photo's of the impact it will have. But there's also the logistics of transport and having sis accompany me. She said she'd be staying in a hotel and not with me. Very hurtful.

Sorry for the rant. Here's my church windows with light streaming in casting rainbows everywhere.

The 3D church comes out every year now in honour of mam and her church going. Didn't make it to church like I'd hoped. Couldn't stop crying and so couldn't leave the house. And that's Sweeties massive scrabbling box with her toys. She bangs about in there and loves it. Has already had her head stuck in the tiny chimney opening of the puzzle and caved it in. Here she is having a wash with her bald tum. Vet says it's seasonal. Have some treatment coming through the post. Such a pretty girl. And so loving. I get so many kisses while she waits for me to open her pouches of food. Oh, cat paste Cherru is such a treat. She got some as an xmas pressie from one of the girls in my bereavement group. Now has a big box (on offer through Amazon). Tuna variety or Chicken.

Tangerines have turned green

and mam and dad have been added to the Tree of Life. It was a Millenium black tie do. They look so young there.

And I have another puzzle waiting for me. It's all I've been able to do over xmas.

I hope you are well rested and have plans for the New Year, whatever that is. I'll be ignoring it as usual. Just find the whole thing very stressful. Another date to bear witness that I am without my parents. Just heart breaking. I know I'll crack on with life again in time but the fragility is always there. I don't know how anyone really lives a full life afterwards. But I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow and that always helps.

On a more even keel now to be posting again.

Lots of love xxx

Hi Christine Darling!! Happy New Year!!

💘🎊🤗😘😊

Thank you for all your lovely photographs. They're just lovely. Wow. Do you know that is the first time I see your Sweetie? She's just gorgeous!! I had a calico exactly that as a kid and her name was Patches. Quite fitting for a calico. She was an outdoor cat amongst the many that we had and she had a bazillion babies. She was so gentle. And such a good Mom.

That is such a drag that you suffered so much again during Christmas. What kinds of things do the members suggest in your Grieving Support Group? Have any of them made progress in your group?

It's so good to hear that even though you and your sister don't get along that when push comes to shove she is still there for you, like with your medical appointments. And what a relief to not have to do the dreadful radiotherapy. I decided 8 years into cancer treatment and follow-ups that if my cancer were to return I would not want treatment. Part of the reason is as you say – the logistics of treatment are a nightmare. Furthermore I decided that since I didn't want treatment I would prefer not to know if and when the cancer came back. So I decided to stop all follow-ups and all testing. It has given me such peace of mind.

Yes, my holidays all went well. I have been a bit out of it since a week before Christmas with a GI upset, but it has been not so bad as to keep me from eating. Lol! It was a really nice mix of time alone, time with friends and time with family.

On to your pictures....

I adore the rainbows around your church. That is just spectacular! Rainbows are so very cool!!!

I hope you've thrown out those tangerines! Ouch! LOL!

Your parents are beautiful. The medallions are such a loving tribute!

Did you get your puzzle done? It is so very cute!

Your garden looks like a magical forest. You are so creative. You say it's a lot of work, and I can see why. But it looks a fabulous escape. That's a ton of bird feed. How long would that last?

Here are some recent pics of Angel...

Here are the main downtown Christmas lights....

Here is my family plot in the nearby cemetery, where I hang out a lot...

Hugs, love and kisses to you, Sweetie and Little Fox 🥰 😘 🤗

Oh, and here's a really cool video I saw today. Maybe you'll like it too...

Hi Starry and a very Happy New Year to you babe,

OMG! Thank you so much for posting those clips. The first was magical and the second has me in floods of tears again. It's always there, waiting for me to lose my grip on grief, such a fragile way living now. I was doing well, having taken down most of the decs (and will finish later) and finished my last xmas jigsaw puzzle. Very hard as double sided, making my head spin.

I have my textiles to plan and finish over the winter months, ready to be photographed in Spring when the light is good at the side of house, and added to site. I'm a textile artist (using recycled materials to create wall hangings using traditional techniques learned in school) but since mam about 4 years ago I've had short bursts of creativity but not a steady flow. So that's my plan to get back to a normal structured day. With some swimming thrown in too after all those chocs. What a time for you to be ill. At least it didn't stop the gorging!

Your festive high street is quite fabulous. I've always loved xmas with it's magic and glittering adornment to life. It lifts me up but now makes me sob. I just can't get over mam and dad not being here. I feel like they've left me behind to catch them up later. But until then I just fill in time, going through the motions of doing. I read something that really made sense. I used to describe it as an emptiness in me which could never be filled. But it's more a being exhausted with the mechanics of living, repetition of surviving each day and longing to be at peace with my parents. The bereavement site helps to express the overwhelming sadness consuming me. But it doesn't stop it. I post my pics of new work and the garden and it keeps me motivated somewhat. Sharing the burden of loss has created real friendship, like we have.

I'm so very sorry that you've had such a lot of ongoing treatment. I understand you not wanting to have all the follow ups and to not want to know if it returns again. I do feel like a death sentence is hanging over me, that somehow they've got it wrong and I'm not as lucky as anyone would tell me I am. It will be nice to see sis again though. We'll do something nice after the hospital. She travels either side of that day so it is a fleeting visit as she works full time.

Your cat is adorable. Sweetie doesn't like snuggling in blankets. I even bought her a furry igloo to cosy up in for winter but she refused to go in it. Loves her cardboard boxes though. Scrabbled and bits and bangs about in there. So annoying but she loves them so I can't take them away from her. She's playing out at the mo. It snowed day after the first of Jan. Here's some pics.

Have had to dry out all the furniture cushions to hhouse in the loft over winter.

Plants has a delicate sprinkling to enhance the foliage.

Sunshine was blazing

and the sky blue

Porscha is sleeping soundly in her shrine

with mam and dad's angels watching over her, their dresses stiffened in the cold air.

I envy you having a place to go to in memory of your family. My sister has the ashes but can't bring herself to get the baubles she ordered with a sprinkling for each of us. I had hoped she would organise a plot with a tree but she can't do that either. Just can't deal with it, and being on anti depressants creates a lid for all those emotions. Nobody tells us how hard it's going to be. In that video he talks about feeling alone in grief. It's so true. It's the loneliest place to be. But then my whole life was so attached to my parents. I can't remember ever not being with them at xmas, and every occasion was celebrated together. That's why it's so hard to adjust to a life without them. My whole life stopped when they did.

OMG must stop now. Off to get Sweetie in and warmed up. She refuses to let me make her a winter jacket for her baldiness and little shoes for the garden! Can just imagine her.

Lots of love babe xxx

Hello Christina!

What a week I've had with all the hospital appts and scans. Massive panic attacks. The longer I have to wait the bigger the panic and the greater the impact on me. They're really understanding and wanting to help in whatever way they can to make it easier for me. So not waiting long when I arrive is the key in going forward. Next consultation in April. They realise the extent of my inability to function outside of my home with my sis travelling 3 hours n a train to get to me, then underground and me collecting her in the car. All for a 20 minute car journey I cannot do myself. Will get my scan results in 2 weeks so fingers crossed for the all clear.

Mams birthday on Monday. She was just shy of her eightieth when she left me. Always surprised it comes round again. I still want my parents to just be away on hols or visiting sis up north. Gave me a breather in whatever chores needed seeing to but I'd still be going over to the old house to do the garden. Would take 2 hours to get round in the summer with the hose. I'd do it all every day if only they would come back again. Must stop as I'm starting to get teary. Will be in full on melt down mode tomorrow. Always am. Can't imagine not being. That must have been so hard for you growing up without a close bond as a child. The down side to loving and being loved is living inside the overwhelming grief and longing for it to have never happened. Still cannot accept it or get used to being in this world without them. To know they are alive would be enough. I would give everything just to tell them how much I love them. I so want to be with them again, whatever that means.

Will have to take a pic of the sitting room to show you my textiles. My Indian Collection is housed all around me hanging on the walls. I've created quite the nest.

Must dash babe. Still not dressed. Might try to go for a swim this afternoon but I keep putting off. Bought a full body swim suit to tempt me to do it. Might try this afternoon. So boring on my own though.

Whatever you do today make it fun!

Lots of love xxx😁