As We Near World Mental Health Day – Tips For Looking After Our Mental Health 💆

Hi Starry,

Oh babe you such a kind and supportive friend. I've had a horrible Christmas and didn't manage to post and so do apologise. Sobbing most of the day. I spent every xmas day with my parents and then Boxing Day with my sis and her kids and my parents. A very grown up affair dressed in my chocolate ballgown! and then mayhem the next. I just can't handle them not being here and spending Christmas and every day alone. At least on the other days I can immerse myself in jobs, the garden, my textiles, whatever.

I hope you had fun with your Spanish pals and had the phone calls you were waiting for. My call with sis became very fraught (we don't get along easily and I just can't understand why she is so angry with me) and she has ignored me since. Even when I was distressed and in floods of tears getting a hospital letter advising me to now proceed with radiotherapy, having been told I don't need it. My minor salivary gland cancer is rare and isn't radio sensitive so I could have the treatment and have long term damage with no effect and it return. Phone call to Macmillan nurses helped me get a new Q&A together for another telephone consult (waiting for them to get back to me about it). So distressing. Need photo's of the impact it will have. But there's also the logistics of transport and having sis accompany me. She said she'd be staying in a hotel and not with me. Very hurtful.

Sorry for the rant. Here's my church windows with light streaming in casting rainbows everywhere.

The 3D church comes out every year now in honour of mam and her church going. Didn't make it to church like I'd hoped. Couldn't stop crying and so couldn't leave the house. And that's Sweeties massive scrabbling box with her toys. She bangs about in there and loves it. Has already had her head stuck in the tiny chimney opening of the puzzle and caved it in. Here she is having a wash with her bald tum. Vet says it's seasonal. Have some treatment coming through the post. Such a pretty girl. And so loving. I get so many kisses while she waits for me to open her pouches of food. Oh, cat paste Cherru is such a treat. She got some as an xmas pressie from one of the girls in my bereavement group. Now has a big box (on offer through Amazon). Tuna variety or Chicken.

Tangerines have turned green

and mam and dad have been added to the Tree of Life. It was a Millenium black tie do. They look so young there.

And I have another puzzle waiting for me. It's all I've been able to do over xmas.

I hope you are well rested and have plans for the New Year, whatever that is. I'll be ignoring it as usual. Just find the whole thing very stressful. Another date to bear witness that I am without my parents. Just heart breaking. I know I'll crack on with life again in time but the fragility is always there. I don't know how anyone really lives a full life afterwards. But I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow and that always helps.

On a more even keel now to be posting again.

Lots of love xxx

Hi Christine Darling!! Happy New Year!!

💘🎊🤗😘😊

Thank you for all your lovely photographs. They're just lovely. Wow. Do you know that is the first time I see your Sweetie? She's just gorgeous!! I had a calico exactly that as a kid and her name was Patches. Quite fitting for a calico. She was an outdoor cat amongst the many that we had and she had a bazillion babies. She was so gentle. And such a good Mom.

That is such a drag that you suffered so much again during Christmas. What kinds of things do the members suggest in your Grieving Support Group? Have any of them made progress in your group?

It's so good to hear that even though you and your sister don't get along that when push comes to shove she is still there for you, like with your medical appointments. And what a relief to not have to do the dreadful radiotherapy. I decided 8 years into cancer treatment and follow-ups that if my cancer were to return I would not want treatment. Part of the reason is as you say – the logistics of treatment are a nightmare. Furthermore I decided that since I didn't want treatment I would prefer not to know if and when the cancer came back. So I decided to stop all follow-ups and all testing. It has given me such peace of mind.

Yes, my holidays all went well. I have been a bit out of it since a week before Christmas with a GI upset, but it has been not so bad as to keep me from eating. Lol! It was a really nice mix of time alone, time with friends and time with family.

On to your pictures....

I adore the rainbows around your church. That is just spectacular! Rainbows are so very cool!!!

I hope you've thrown out those tangerines! Ouch! LOL!

Your parents are beautiful. The medallions are such a loving tribute!

Did you get your puzzle done? It is so very cute!

Your garden looks like a magical forest. You are so creative. You say it's a lot of work, and I can see why. But it looks a fabulous escape. That's a ton of bird feed. How long would that last?

Here are some recent pics of Angel...

Here are the main downtown Christmas lights....

Here is my family plot in the nearby cemetery, where I hang out a lot...

Hugs, love and kisses to you, Sweetie and Little Fox 🥰 😘 🤗

Oh, and here's a really cool video I saw today. Maybe you'll like it too...

Hi Starry and a very Happy New Year to you babe,

OMG! Thank you so much for posting those clips. The first was magical and the second has me in floods of tears again. It's always there, waiting for me to lose my grip on grief, such a fragile way living now. I was doing well, having taken down most of the decs (and will finish later) and finished my last xmas jigsaw puzzle. Very hard as double sided, making my head spin.

I have my textiles to plan and finish over the winter months, ready to be photographed in Spring when the light is good at the side of house, and added to site. I'm a textile artist (using recycled materials to create wall hangings using traditional techniques learned in school) but since mam about 4 years ago I've had short bursts of creativity but not a steady flow. So that's my plan to get back to a normal structured day. With some swimming thrown in too after all those chocs. What a time for you to be ill. At least it didn't stop the gorging!

Your festive high street is quite fabulous. I've always loved xmas with it's magic and glittering adornment to life. It lifts me up but now makes me sob. I just can't get over mam and dad not being here. I feel like they've left me behind to catch them up later. But until then I just fill in time, going through the motions of doing. I read something that really made sense. I used to describe it as an emptiness in me which could never be filled. But it's more a being exhausted with the mechanics of living, repetition of surviving each day and longing to be at peace with my parents. The bereavement site helps to express the overwhelming sadness consuming me. But it doesn't stop it. I post my pics of new work and the garden and it keeps me motivated somewhat. Sharing the burden of loss has created real friendship, like we have.

I'm so very sorry that you've had such a lot of ongoing treatment. I understand you not wanting to have all the follow ups and to not want to know if it returns again. I do feel like a death sentence is hanging over me, that somehow they've got it wrong and I'm not as lucky as anyone would tell me I am. It will be nice to see sis again though. We'll do something nice after the hospital. She travels either side of that day so it is a fleeting visit as she works full time.

Your cat is adorable. Sweetie doesn't like snuggling in blankets. I even bought her a furry igloo to cosy up in for winter but she refused to go in it. Loves her cardboard boxes though. Scrabbled and bits and bangs about in there. So annoying but she loves them so I can't take them away from her. She's playing out at the mo. It snowed day after the first of Jan. Here's some pics.

Have had to dry out all the furniture cushions to hhouse in the loft over winter.

Plants has a delicate sprinkling to enhance the foliage.

Sunshine was blazing

and the sky blue

Porscha is sleeping soundly in her shrine

with mam and dad's angels watching over her, their dresses stiffened in the cold air.

I envy you having a place to go to in memory of your family. My sister has the ashes but can't bring herself to get the baubles she ordered with a sprinkling for each of us. I had hoped she would organise a plot with a tree but she can't do that either. Just can't deal with it, and being on anti depressants creates a lid for all those emotions. Nobody tells us how hard it's going to be. In that video he talks about feeling alone in grief. It's so true. It's the loneliest place to be. But then my whole life was so attached to my parents. I can't remember ever not being with them at xmas, and every occasion was celebrated together. That's why it's so hard to adjust to a life without them. My whole life stopped when they did.

OMG must stop now. Off to get Sweetie in and warmed up. She refuses to let me make her a winter jacket for her baldiness and little shoes for the garden! Can just imagine her.

Lots of love babe xxx

Hello Christina!

What a week I've had with all the hospital appts and scans. Massive panic attacks. The longer I have to wait the bigger the panic and the greater the impact on me. They're really understanding and wanting to help in whatever way they can to make it easier for me. So not waiting long when I arrive is the key in going forward. Next consultation in April. They realise the extent of my inability to function outside of my home with my sis travelling 3 hours n a train to get to me, then underground and me collecting her in the car. All for a 20 minute car journey I cannot do myself. Will get my scan results in 2 weeks so fingers crossed for the all clear.

Mams birthday on Monday. She was just shy of her eightieth when she left me. Always surprised it comes round again. I still want my parents to just be away on hols or visiting sis up north. Gave me a breather in whatever chores needed seeing to but I'd still be going over to the old house to do the garden. Would take 2 hours to get round in the summer with the hose. I'd do it all every day if only they would come back again. Must stop as I'm starting to get teary. Will be in full on melt down mode tomorrow. Always am. Can't imagine not being. That must have been so hard for you growing up without a close bond as a child. The down side to loving and being loved is living inside the overwhelming grief and longing for it to have never happened. Still cannot accept it or get used to being in this world without them. To know they are alive would be enough. I would give everything just to tell them how much I love them. I so want to be with them again, whatever that means.

Will have to take a pic of the sitting room to show you my textiles. My Indian Collection is housed all around me hanging on the walls. I've created quite the nest.

Must dash babe. Still not dressed. Might try to go for a swim this afternoon but I keep putting off. Bought a full body swim suit to tempt me to do it. Might try this afternoon. So boring on my own though.

Whatever you do today make it fun!

Lots of love xxx😁