Letting Go

Catherine21
Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
in Families and carers

Im crying as I write this i cant keep trying to support my dad I know hes at the last stage of his life hes has always sent me mixed messages one minute he cares the next hes verbally abusing me this has been a lifelong thing even from a child he used to mock me calling me miss piggy which was very distressing as a child I have forgiven or pushed aside my feelings to help him hes always been impossible yesterday I visited to tidy his squalor up when I wash his clothes it has to be 3 times on long washes I get out the lift where he lives and can smell his flat and thats with me cleaning it two days before I just don't understand he has caused me great embarrassment all my life and hes why with body dismorphia I suffer so much and much more my psychiatrist is making me understand I have been reliving my trauma she quoted Stockholm syndrome over and over for 54 years my mum escaped him and I took over he was mocking me yesterday saying everyone laughs at me as I wear sunglasses when I visit as I feel hides my face he was calling me tragic useless this is not because hes old this is his nature tomorrow I will phone social services which will kill me and I know this year he will pass away I can see it I understand I have so so much trauma because of him all the years of pain is coming out I thought I was helping him but I was just hurting myself even more bit letting go seems scary

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Comments

  • Rachel_Scope
    Rachel_Scope Posts: 2,828 Scope Online Community Coordinator

    I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. It seems you've had such a difficult life with your dad and he doesn't appreciate the support that you give him. I'm really glad your psychiatrist has been able to label what you're going through so that you can understand it better. It sounds like calling social services will be good for the both of you. This is a huge thing to do and it takes a very strong person to do it; you should be proud of yourself for that.

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093570#Comment_1093570

    Sorry to overshare i feel like the flood gates have opened i cant so it anymore im grieving fifi still he makes me feel so depressed and hopeless ive neen trying to change him to make him the parent I want im still very childish at times its time to focus on trying to heal and having some sort of life without feeling guilty thankyou for listening racheal yes will be so hard to phone social services as this persona ive created is hard to put down but I can see its breaking me

  • Rachel_Scope
    Rachel_Scope Posts: 2,828 Scope Online Community Coordinator

    You don't need to apologise at all. You're taking a big step towards healing and are putting your own needs first, feel free to let it all out.

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093572#Comment_1093572

    Xx

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing

    WWaited All day for scheduled psychiatrist call at 3.30pm today literally on time waiting sat on edge of bed and waited no call called cmht shes not in today she rescheduled just not with me feel totally wiped out really burnt out by life brain body

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 7,610 Scope Online Community Coordinator

    Sorry to hear that @Catherine21, that's really frustrating that she didn't tell you she'd rescheduled. Did you manage to get in touch with Social Services today?

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093775#Comment_1093775

    I left a message someone will call me back and i called office where he lives to say I won't be cleaning his flat 3 times a week felt sick doing it but hes really making me ill hes very very cruel with his words I really need to heal hes extremely toxic I feel broken but I understand will take time this is years upon years of toxicity hes drained me

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 7,610 Scope Online Community Coordinator

    That's a big step @Catherine21. I hope it's the start of some healing for you 💛

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing

    Thankyou rosie so kind of you ive also decided to cut all junk food for four months I have been binge eating so for January im going to focus on me solely thankyou for all your support xx

  • luvpink
    luvpink Online Community Member Posts: 3,263 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093781#Comment_1093781

    Hi Catherine

    So sorry to hear about all the stuff going on in your life.

    I'm not here much due to health issues and I had to spend time in hospital but I do think about you and send you love and best wishes. X

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093783#Comment_1093783

    Oh ive been thinking about you how are you now sending all my love xx

  • luvpink
    luvpink Online Community Member Posts: 3,263 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093787#Comment_1093787

    Taking each day at a time.

    I just need to try and build some strength but I have so little energy to barely function. X

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093815#Comment_1093815

    Oh im sorry luvpink are you having any protein drinks to build yourself up you must rest as much as your body wants and needs dont be hard on yourself as you rightly said Day by Day I hope you have support you will get there again and go to your Sunday get togeather but time being heal yourself nice food if you can plenty fluids and your positive mental attitude your on the right track xx

  • luvpink
    luvpink Online Community Member Posts: 3,263 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093841#Comment_1093841

    Hi yes

    I Have prescription protein drinks from a dietitian at the hospital.

    Thank you for your kindness

    Take care. X

  • Strawberry1
    Strawberry1 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 8,437 Championing

    Sending gentle and supportive hugs your way @Catherine21

    Sending loads of empathy and compassion your way.

    My heart goes out to you

    So sorry you have this to deal with.

    At least you have people here who care .

    Your important

    You matter

    You count

    Your voice counts

    You deserve kindness and to be respected

  • Strawberry1
    Strawberry1 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 8,437 Championing

    Please take care of yourself @Catherine21

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093846#Comment_1093846

    Your so kind strawberry Thankyou im still in bed have been for days how are you ? I often think of bluebell and wonder how she is

  • Strawberry1
    Strawberry1 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 8,437 Championing

    Your welcome @Catherine21

    You get as much rest as you possibly need .

    I myself am struggling with my sleeping pattern .

    Im plodding on thank you @Catherine21

    Some days are harder than others.

    I myself was thinking of Bluebell too thinking how she is doing wishing things were better all around and Bluebell could be here.

    Shes missed a great deal

  • Strawberry1
    Strawberry1 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 8,437 Championing

    Please take care of yourself @Catherine21

    Your important you know

  • Catherine21
    Catherine21 Posts: 8,969 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1093860#Comment_1093860

    Oh bless you strawberry you warm my heart with your kindness

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