Getting people PAST the disability to give me a CHANCE at anything!

Dear Tori.

Only just found your lovely post!

I've lived alone my entire life. I've never had friends, nor joined groups, they won't have me, I'm too ugly. There's no such thing as childhood and adulthood, only peoplehood, if they decide you're verboten for ugliness, nobody wants you with them. I'm banned from Brighton Pier because my face scares tourists (apparently!) from a few massive bars because the other customers complained about having to look at me, I've been kicked out of 2 Asperger's groups and I'm not at all sure what I've done wrong, was just given the bum's rush. The Neurotypical who ran the second one said she didn't want me 'infesting' the others any more - her words, no idea what she meant by them. In the first one I tried to help in the kitchen - nope, knives, might run around stabbing people. In the office - lady took one look and ran in and slammed the door. In the volunteer shop - nope, too ugly, the other customers wouldn't like looking at me.

I'm 59. In my whole life I've never had friends, nor have I been in groups of other people. I've tried everything I can think of, I do really well with E_mails, then people see what's coming towards them and that's it, game over. These days I just stay in and look out the window at all the groups going past, people talking on phones, people going to be with people….. I GOT found a new group to go to but I'm flat too scared. The ghosts of all my past efforts - like the Aspergers' groups, above - rise up and jeer at me. I don't know how to do it. I've had so little experience of being with others, I don't know the basics of HOW to be with others and nobody will teach me them. Imagine going to be with - say - a bunch of foxes AS a fox, making them believe you're a fox, accepting you as a fox. Could you do it? I feel the same way about being with other humans. It's second nature to them. It's second nightmare to me.

If you could give me some advice about HOW to do it all, I'd try it, promise. Right now, I'm totally out of ideas, sitting here, wondering if the next world would be any better than this one. Maybe not. It's the same people there as here, so I've read. So wouldn't I just get treated the same way throughout Eternity?

I live life sick with fear. I look at the next life and feel sick with fear too because - let's face it - it's filled with people from this one so they'll treat me as badly - except they'll have eternity to DO it in!

Any ideas? They'll all be tried, promise!

Yours respectfully,

Chris.