Getting people PAST the disability to give me a CHANCE at anything!
Dear Violet..
I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Caetextia and Asperger's as well. They come out in my face/ physique, let's face it, I could be one of Santa's Little Helpers no questions asked! THAT'S what's always killed me in Life. In others' eyes I'm Harpic (clean round the bend), Shrek, Monster man, Hellboy, I'll let you finish the list off. I've been beaten up more times than I can count, burgled so often the cops have had to move me between 3 cities (well, 2 cities and 1 very large town) for my own safety. I've got permanent head scars, had all my teeth kicked out, had my legs permanently scarred with boiling water, intentionally thrown by a woman who didn't approve of a disabled guy working in a day centre. I've never had friends, nor been out with groups, nor known how to interact with groups, it's like they're speaking a foreign language. And I've been banned from many places for trying (including the local Pier - got banned from there because my face, apparently, scared the other customers. That was years ago. Now I'm just banned because I'm on the banned list, nobody remembers why.
I've never given up. I'll say that much for me. I've never failed any exam. I've ever been put in for even though, yes, I do find copying from black boards almost impossible - I read/take n otes from books instead. I don't drive because I've never felt safe past about 30mph - controlling an object at 70 on a motorway, not me! I've applied, religiously, for any and every jo b I thought I could do, paid or voluntary, my entire life. I still do. And I've been turned down for every single one of them. Sorry, you got no references/not enough previous experience/Look at you. You REALLY think you could do this? You're just an effin/ failure/waste of space/parasite....' The last was a sudden **** from someone who wanted a guy who understood databases. I'd thought I was doing well in the interview till then! (Yes I DO understand basic databases, btw. Got a qual. in DBASE!) But it's sentiments echoed by many others. Yeah, I get a little suicidal over all of this at times. It's a huge weight pressing down on m e. Dad always told me I'd be a failure. I always thought if I took my chances and worked hard enough I'd prove him wrong. But thus far he's been right. They never give you a shot. Or if they DO, you've got to get it right first time or they'll use your learning curve as permanent proof of your uselessness, that you should never have been given the chance at all.
THAT'S the bit that hurts. Not failing, but never having been allowed to try. I mean OK I'm an ugly sod. Granted. But I'm an ugly sod with 16 good quals. including an HND equivalent. Surely that should count for SOMETHING? And even socially nobody lets you join in. Want to go to a gym? Sorry - got to have someone with you at all times, mate. Want to join a Meetup group? You get to the venue, no idea who anyone else is (I can't recognise people from pictures, my brain doesn't' 'do' pictures at all well) so you text the group leader... 'I'm not here to answer your texts. You obviously don't want to be with us, we're taking your name off the group.' So I tried another, and another, and another and finally it dawned that I just wasn't human enough to be wanted by other people socially. So I stopped, because I was getting banned from all the places anyway (I don't have to DO anything to get banned, I just have to BE!) I've never had friends nor any kind of a social life, or ever really interacted with people at all. How many other guys can honestly say they've gone through an entire life never knowing how to have a conversation with anyone?
I want a chance to try, or what's the point of being here? I want to know how to interact/have friends, or what's the point in claiming to be human (OK, I know I'm technically not human but you know what I mean.) I want to know how NOT to feel scared all the time - there's a guy in my flats who kicks my door in because he says I walk too loudly, there's others who want me out on the streets, who say I shouldn't be allowed near normal people/kids. (I've never done anything to a kid, but when I was one I DID go through a phase of being 'got at' by adult males. Was 12-15 then. Oddly enough it felt comforting in a way because they were the closest thing I had to friends. Forget school. You don't go to school when you're me, EVERYONE'S the bully cos you're the only spazmo. But there's one thing I've learned from all of this.
In humans, dividing developmental stages up by age is meaningless. They treat you exactly the same way whatever age you, and they, are. At school, you get kicked out of the friends groups. After school there's work which are larger 'friends' groups if you think about it - you get kicked out of those, too, same reasoning, you don't fit. And of course you're still getting kicked out of adult groups (and kicked over by the adults, just as you were by the school bullies.) Everyone's got a reason NOT to let you do things, just as those in school had reasons NOT to let you join in with them. People are people, age is meaningless. They still don't want to give you a shot, they'll invent their own reasons why.
I'm sitting in a flat where the heating doesn't work, there's water coming through holes in the ceiling, I'm scared of being burgled every time I go out or meeting the downstairs neighbour when I come in. I'm banned/feel unsafe in so many places (can prove that) I have to travel an hour on a bus to find an area I feel safe being in (Crawley, but if I lived there it would probably end up like every other place I've lived in.) I've never had friends or a girlfriend - came close a few times but they were disabled and got taken away from me though we wanted to be together. When I go out I spend all my time looking at people in groups, talking on cellphones, going to be with groups, taking it all for granted and my envy's a knife in my gut. If I'm never going to have a shot, be honest, tell me and I'll leave this planet now, I've got a bottle of stuff I got off the Internet I know to be relatively painless, I'm not bad at science. But there's GOTTA be a way to have a shot, hasn't there? (I've got an online lady friend who's come to visit me ONCE, but her kids didn't approve of me seeing her and I'm too scared to go up where her kids are and she's too scared of their reaction to come down here so we're stuck online! She says she's too disabled to travel this far. I know she's not, she goes to see other friends equally as far as am I, all the time.)
What do I try next?
You tell me.
Yours respectfully
Chris.
