ADHD questionnaires

WhatThe
WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing
edited June 5 in Coffee lounge

Message really for @66Mustang as I can't find our earlier chat!

Done, finally done, yeeha 🤩

I expected to get upset but didn't. I can see my answers from the original referral and know why I bottled out the first time - I needed a third-party who knew me before the age of 12 and remembered the pain of contacting my estranged sister over a decade ago for help with my autism assessment.

This morning, she emailed back immediately to agree. We've been in email contact for 18 months now. I never understood why she was so horrible to me but it was hardly her fault that I was an oddball 🙃

I haven't yet uploaded my ID (because I can't) but I've already been invited to book an appointment for my assessment! I just need help to practice using Teams now..

Tagged:

Comments

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing

    That was my second ever @someone!

    The first was to @chiarieds and I learned how to do this from something @Bluebell21 wrote recently. I don't know why I avoided it for so long but I'm there now 😊

  • Anhedonia2
    Anhedonia2 Community Member Posts: 28 Contributor

    @WhatThe I know this wasn't addressed to me but I want to say how wonderful it is you and your sister have reconnected and she was able to help you.

    Families are difficult and I think we can never fully understand where our siblings are coming from, I know with my sister we went through a terrible time for many years and after radio silence for almost a decade we slowly rebuilt and agreed to leave the past in the past. It was hard to do as I was so hurt by her but I realised we have led different lives and may always see past disagreements differently.

    Good luck with your ADHD assessment, I had mine a number of years ago now and it was so eye-opening.

    What's the issue you're having uploading your ID? Is it something that can be resolved?

  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Community Member Posts: 3,621 Championing

    Well done @WhatThe what a great achievement for you.

    Take care.

  • Holly_Scope
    Holly_Scope Posts: 5,746 Online Community Team

    Well done @WhatThe 🤗

  • ColonelBlink
    ColonelBlink Community Member Posts: 909 Pioneering

    Good work @WhatThe, it only matters that you have done it now!👍️

  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community Member Posts: 15,447 Championing

    Well done @WhatThe you've done really well there!! Thanks for letting me know 😊

    Your experiences with your sister (and those mentioned by @Anhedonia2) sound quite like mine with my brother

    Something I realised is that understanding and justification are not the same thing. I struggled for a long time trying to solve cognitive dissonance around a loved one doing terrible things. Partly this was through adjusting my opinion of myself so as to make my brother's behaviour seem justified. I now realise that it's possible to understand why he may have done certain things, and that isn't interdependent on him being reasonable (or even rational) in doing so

    In other words, I think it's possible and sometimes helpful to realise we can explain some things, without excusing them… and that doing so reduces ambiguity and so strips a lot of the power from a bad experience

  • Mr_Shoes_Tied
    Mr_Shoes_Tied Community Member Posts: 71 Empowering

    Have you gone via a Right to Choose provider? Teams can be a bit tricky on first use so see if someone will have a go on it with you. Good luck for your assessment, it's a strange feeling to finally get recognised.

  • justsaying2025
    justsaying2025 Community Member Posts: 61 Contributor

    Hi all,

    I wanted to seek some advice from you folks. I definitely think I'm ND (probs Audhd) but given my age (51) and trauma and the lacklustre response from my GP I'd just 'parked it'. I wouldn't want a diagnosis for any other reason than personal validation/I wasn't 'weird' but I wouldn't want my toxic family to be contacted - they're not to be trusted alas.

    How best to proceed? I have an app at the Dr's next Friday & I want to prepare. In the moment I find it hard to self advocate (don't want to be a bother etc) but I DO want to know. I feel (I'm female) we are the forgotten as we masked so well and then peri/menopause and the/(my) world fell apart. It's no longer possible to the same/any degree in fact in some situations. So, I isolate. I probably should have posted… but this seemed safer. xx

  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Community Member Posts: 3,621 Championing
    edited June 5

    Hi @justsaying2025 the following link might give you some ideas.

    https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org

    If you go into the link go to Knowledge base, Autistic Women, Everything is connected to Everything.

    Good luck with your appointment at the doctors next Friday. If you feel up to it perhaps you could let us know how you get on.

    Take care.

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing

    Thank you very much @Bluebell21 @Holly_Scope @ColonelBlink

    @Anhedonia2 I'm glad you have also forged a new relationship with your sister. Do you see each other now? What is the age gap?

    Email is all we are up to but it feels safe for now. Some people thought we were twins which pleased me but appalled her. She pretended not to know me at secondary school; ignored me at our parents' funerals; total rejection!

    "What's the issue you're having uploading your ID? Is it something that can be resolved?"

    I don't know how to upload anything. I plan to ask my surgery to do this for me next week.

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing
    edited June 6

    @66Mustang thank you for understanding 🤗 it means so much when you've battled for so long to be understood (and accepted).

    "cognitive dissonance" I looked up so perhaps you can tell me if I'm on the right track here:

    I withdrew into myself as a result of what I now recognise was abuse from all family members. "We tease you because we love you/ want to toughen you up" was my mother's excuse. When my beloved little brother shot up and joined in, I began blaming myself and keeping diaries to try and make sense of it all because I didn't accept their justifications. I didn't entirely believe their view of me yet I clearly disappointed them and that was confusing.

    I can rationalise the experience because she was still a baby when I came along 13.5 months later. Our parents had a hand in how we interacted. I'm also sure I wasn't the only ND in the family.

    Edit: my sister resented being in charge of two little rascals and I was equally enraged that she held this power.

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1130155#Comment_1130155

    Psychiatry UK if I've understood the question. I couldn't get to grips with a local provider's website but PUK is simple and suits me!

    Teams has been installed for me but I've never used it. There are two people I can ask for help and trust to be here during the assessment as I'll not know what to do if something doesn't work.

    Thank you. The autism diagnosis absolutely floored me but changed my life. This assessment feels much less critical but I'd still like to know.

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing
    edited June 6
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1130175#Comment_1130175

    Hi justsaying.

    I understand what you mean about it being safer to post here and that's fine with me 🤗

    50 is about the age I was when the idea was floated by my daughter. It was hard to believe that my own daughter was the first person ever to understand me!! She was very patient, bought me a book - "Aspergirls" - and a year later, I picked it up and knew she was right.

    When you know, you know so you must follow your instinct.

    I've written elsewhere (and will find for you another day) about my battle to get diagnosed. The National Autistic Society (NAS) has lots of information about girls/women on the spectrum through its Lorna Wing Centre. I presented my (female) GP with their literature which she admitted knowing little about and agreed to read. I also gave her some questionnaires I'd completed.

    Fortunately, I have all my school reports which were pretty upsetting to read but reinforced my conviction that I was autistic and provided the early evidence needed. I would urge you to get hold of yours. That may not be possible before Friday but this process isn't quick. Your medical and psychiatric history also counts. If you want this diagnosis enough, you will make the necessary approach to your family and they may welcome it. It's worth the risk and cringe.

  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community Member Posts: 15,447 Championing
    edited June 6

    @WhatThe

    It's interesting how relationships with more than 2 people can reinforce trauma even when certain people don't actively perpetrate the bad things themselves. My mum was always very optimistic & hopeful r.e. my brother and coped through denial (I imagine it's devastating for a parent to even consider they may have raised somebody who's done bad things - perhaps the lesser of two evils for her was to think she was the weak one?) but this led to me doubting my own experience, i.e. "mum doesn't think this behaviour is a problem" / "maybe I'm weak for being disturbed by it?" / "maybe I need to be like him?"

    I think what you say makes sense. I'd say it's important to keep that differentiation between understanding / justifying - i.e. lots of my brother's behaviours can be explained by alcohol and substance abuse; but it doesn't excuse that behaviour!

    I hope you get on well with your assessment, by the way 😊 🤞

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing
    edited June 6

    @66Mustang I think my mum's devastation was that the younger two weren't like her eldest! I actually think she was re-enacting the dynamics of her own childhood and I lost trust in her quite young. None of it felt right. Telling me it was because they loved me didn't align with how their behaviour made me feel. Is that dissonance or is that a reason for the dissonance? Thank you

    (I did suddenly decide to be more like my sister - moody and aloof - and stopped helping around the house because she had lots of friends and respect from our parents. It didn't work for me!)

  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community Member Posts: 15,447 Championing

    @WhatThe

    As I understand it it's when we hold thoughts that conflict and we're then motivated to change a behaviour / belief to reduce that friction. I think a commonly used example is being an animal lover and eating meat: some people stop eating meat, some people eat only high-welfare meat, some people stop being animal lovers… all different ways to maintain that harmony

    I guess in your situation it might be the belief that someone loves you alongside the fact that they're treating you badly? The discomfort of holding both thoughts together might prompt you change one belief i.e. they don't love you, or they didn't cause you harm

    I don't think it's inherently a bad thing, everyone lives with conflicting ideas to some degree. I think especially with autism making it hard living with ambiguity, we're more inclined than most to try to eliminate it - even to our own detriment?

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 5,842 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1130240#Comment_1130240

    @justsaying2025 I hope I didn't sound dismissive of your reluctance to make contact with whoever has your school reports. What I had in mind was a simple letter with an SAE enclosed: they're no use to anyone else and they belong to you.

    You have the right to be believed without that evidence but it might help.

Categories