Trapped in the silence: The painful wait after a romantic request

NeuroNavDan28 · July 14

I have developed feelings for a female bowling group member who is deaf with a learning disability. This is the first time this has happened. Last Friday, I told her over text that I really like her and would love to take her out on a date if she is interested. I told her that she really caught my eye when she first joined bowling, and I have liked seeing her be part of the group. She reacted to my message with a thumbs-up emoji and asked if I am okay and told me that she is going to have a takeaway.

On Monday, I texted her again to tell her that I was not completely sure whether your thumbs-up emoji meant you wanted to go on a date sometime or was just an acknowledgement of my message. I told her to take all the time you need to think about it. I thought she would still answer at least say hello. I was disappointed that I did not get a response.

I know that a learning disability can change the processing of a romantic request and that the processing differences are on both sides. However, it does not make the silence any less painful.

At bowling today, I noticed she was chatting and smiling with other guys and was answering text messages. I was wondering why she was answering other messages but did not answer mine. It made me feel jealous, disappointed, and betrayed.

I experience several hypothetical scenarios my brain created to try and explain her silence. I had a thought that a member said that it might be because of my race and defended that he did not mean it in a nasty way in front of the others. I felt embarrassed, exposed, marginalised, and small. I had a thought my family were saying she might not be into my race.

I had a thought that I was told it is unfair to have wanted a response from her when I told her that she could take all the time she needs. I feel trapped in an uncomfortable middle ground. I have been a generous person who has given her time but the silence is actively hurting me.

rubin16 · July 15

If she didn't respond its clear she doesn't want to go on a date and is most likely not interested. I'll leave her alone before it turns into harassment. I know if someone did the same to me I'll probably ghost them and be unsure how to answer too. She might feel uncomfortable hence the thumbs up emoji.

I know rejection is hard, but you have played the first hand now and all you can do is wait and see if she responds. But don't force an answer leave her alone and if she doesn't answer its clear she's not interested.

ChrisR777 · July 15

The silence just might be your answer. I know how you feel, it's not a great place to be.

Anhedonia2 · July 15

Well done on putting yourself out there @NeuroNavDan28, it's not easy and sometimes doesn't go well and is painful, but it shows real sense of character to be able to! It hurts now but it'll get easier as time passes and you find someone else that interests you.

There are thousands of reasons she may not have responded and it won't do anyone any favours trying to guess or making assumptions. Whatever the reason, it means the answer isn't a yes, so you need to take it as a rejection and accept that.

Try not to put reasons onto her by assuming them, especially as she hasn't said anything, and find ways to accept it wasn't meant to be.

I don't know how old she is but I know when I was younger I found rejecting people very difficult and did the only thing I could, which was shut down and not reply. I 100% was not intending to hurt anyone, it was my own inexperience handling those situations and finding the whole thing very awkward and not wanting to say the wrong thing or upset anyone. Ironically I now know that ultimately causes more pain but sometimes it feels like the only thing possible to do.

Try and go back to how it was before between the two of you, show her there is no hard feelings and you respect her decision, even if you don't understand it.

NeuroNavDan28 · July 15

Hello @Anhedonia2,

Thank you for sharing your perspective and your own experience. You are right. I cannot know her exact reasons without her telling me. However, I felt disappointed and betrayed by the response. I was trying to actively empathise with her processing differences and find reasons that might explain her silence so I could understand her better. I did not want to ignore her learning disability. So, it is upsetting to be told that I am not doing anyone any favors trying to guess or making assumptions and that I am putting reasons onto her by assuming them. I feel those comments unfairly turn my thoughtful processing into a malicious act. I felt the remarks reframed me as the antagonist who is doing her a disservice by guessing, while she is positioned as the one who needs protection from my thoughts. So, I am no longer seen as the person who is hurting. I feel my hurt has effectively been framed as hurting her.

The comments do not recognise that I have spent emotional energy to hold space for her difficulties. It completely invalidates my kindness.

Telling me to show her that there is no hard feelings and that I respect her decision asks me to ignore my pain to protect her boundary.

The response has skipped emotional validation and jumped to fixing my experience. It has made me feel unseen and unimportant. It has also resulted in feeling personally attacked, singled out, and managed, which feeds into my current cycle I have to be struggling to cope with.

NeuroNavDan28 · July 15

Hello @rubin16,

Thank you for reaching out. I hear your point that silence often means someone is not interested and that rejection is a likely outcome. However, this response has also upset me. By immediately telling me that she is most likely not interested, it dismisses the pain of the silence and jumps straight to resolution. The comment feels like a criticism because it implies the answer is obvious, so I should not still be upset about it.

Telling me to leave her alone before it turns into harassment, not to force an answer, and that if someone did the same to me you would probably ghost them and be unsure how to answer too, reframes my painful wait as a potential harassment. Warning me not to 'force an answer' and bringing up 'harassment' are highly unfair accusations that completely misrepresent my respectful silence. The only thing I have been doing has been processing the silence. I have not forced an answer, nor have I pressured her in any way. I have kept my promise to give her space. I felt these remarks reframed me as the antagonist who is bothering her, while she is positioned as the one who needs protection from me. So, I am no longer seen as the person who is hurting. I feel my hurt has effectively been framed as hurting her.

So far, it seems that she is receiving 100% empathy in this thread and I am receiving little if not none.

NeuroNavDan28 · July 15

Hello @ChrisR777,

Thank you for your kind words. You are right that the silence might be the answer, but I appreciate you holding space for how painful that is to navigate.

Bluebell21 · July 15

Hi @NeuroNavDan28 I am so sorry you are feeling hurt by not receiving a reply from her.

It could just be the thumbs up was an acknowledgement of your original text.

Her silence now is an answer in itself she is not interested in having a date with you.

I think most of us have had rejection at sometime in our lives and it does hurt, but you need to accept that this time it was not meant to be.

Members on the forum have given their opinion and it is not meant as a personal attack on you and I am sorry you see it that way.

Take care.

NeuroNavDan28 · July 15

Hello @Bluebell21,

Thank you for acknowledging that rejection hurts and that I felt personally attacked. When group members warn me about 'harassment' and 'forcing an answer' when I have done nothing but wait quietly, that is not a opinion—it is an unfair accusation. Defending those comments as harmless ignores the reality of how I was treated, and it continues to make me feel unsupported here. It does not matter if they were not meant as personal attacks on me. They felt like personal attacks.

Additionally, telling me that I 'need to accept this' feels like a criticism of where I am in my emotional timeline. Acceptance is a process that takes time, especially when processing deep disappointment. Telling me to simply skip to acceptance ignores my need to process this on my own terms.

Defending the group while rushing my timeline only continues to make me feel completely unsupported here. I feel my pain from the comments have been unseen.

rubin16 · July 15

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1139178#Comment_1139178

I wasn't personally attacking you, just giving you some advice. Currently from the way your writing it seems a little obsessive over the girl (Which in itself would make anyone feel uncomfortable). And while its nice to say your interested in someone, you can't always expect them to feel reciprocal in their feelings towards you. You can't expect every person you have feelings over feeling the same way and want a relationship with you or force an answer out of them.

You never know how the other person feels, maybe its not the right time for them? maybe they are still deciding? or maybe they are simply not interested? You never know. But you have asked and its time to move on.

Rejection is hard on anyone but you have to accept it from time to time.

Ross1975 · July 15

Her silence could be that she's thinking of how to word things to you, whether it's because she is interested or not interested is anyone's guess. I understand the hurt and you've not doing anything wrong, but right now I'd stop any more pursuing, as you've let her know how you feel and it could be that she isn't interested, if she is I'm sure she will let you know that eventually and then you can take things from there.

NeuroNavDan28 · July 15

Hello @Ross1975,

Thank you for acknowledging my hurt.

However, I do want to point out that in my original post, I explicitly stated that I already accounted for her learning disability and communication differences. Having this explained back to me feels like the emotional energy I spent empathising with her was overlooked. This has made me feel unheard. I have been accused of not empathising before which makes this even more painful.

Additionally, I am not currently pursuing her. I have kept my promise to give her space and have done nothing but wait quietly. Suggesting that I need to 'stop pursuing' assumes I am actively pressuring her, which is not the case. I have not sent any other messages. All I am doing is processing my pain from the silence and the comments I have received on this thread.

Anhedonia2 · July 16

Hey @NeuroNavDan28, by saying "…it won't do anyone any favours trying to guess..." I was including you in that, in fact you are centred in that. Guessing only serves to cause you further pain and feelings of rejection and uncertainty, which no one wants.

I'm sorry you felt personally attacked by my response, I don't know what I've said that was so wrong but it was certainly never my intention, I was trying to let you know we understand and offer advice on how to move forward so you don't have to stay feeling this pain and uncertainty.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate this painful process.

Ross1975 · July 16

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1139205#Comment_1139205

I wasn't saying that you're still pursuing her, I was just trying to be helpful by saying that it wouldn't be a good idea to continue after this point.

SheffieldMan1976 · July 16

Without trying to sound mean, she probably doesn't have the emotional maturity for a relationship beyond friendship.

Trapped in the silence: The painful wait after a romantic request

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