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The empty space in my heart

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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    edited February 2018
    Hello @bevvyp Thank you for reply and kind words.  Reading more what are saying it is all tinged with sadness.  I know I am not alone in this every one understands your plight.  I am not a mediator or a relationship councillor.  Although that could be a solution I do not know.  When I read your story thanks for sharing it reminds me of mine.  Also my experiences with relationships have in the past I had to take sides.  It effected me mentally and still will. That is why I am concerned for your well being.  I hope and pray that you can find some comfort in the words that every one has sent in.   I am here to listen take care nice to talk to you. 
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  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
    edited January 2018
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  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thankyou all xxxd
  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    @Neil2017 it sure is all for real x
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    @bevvyp at some point you have to draw a line and stick to it. Forget the consequences and just be strong.

    At the age of 16 not only can your grandson choose who he sees he can also decide where he lives. However, if he should decide to live with you could you manage? Are your finances able to cope?

    As has been suggested, separate your problems out into manageable parts. Deal with one at a time. Sort and organise each separately.

    I am not quite sure from your words but, if your savings are £6,000, you should be able to get assistance or benefits. Not the complete amounts but some. It does sound like you need to sort your finances out properly.

    As for your son I can only suggest that you bite the bullet and cut him off. I wouldn't advise making excuses as it shows weakness and he sounds like he will pounce on any weakness  and use it against you. If you really need to though the simply say you cannot afford any more support. Helping him further, in any way, might alienate you other children and that is the last thing you want to do. Can you get them to help you sort things out at all? If you can become close with the others the troubled one might see that and understand that he will be completely in the cold and maybe get him to understand that he needs to sort himself out. It does seem unlikely though. As for his emotional blackmail, blaming you for his own shortcomings you need to just ignore it.

    If you are worried he might in any way hurt you then refuse his calls or hang up on him and refuse him access to the house.

    Above all. Breathe, slow down your thinking, take things at your own pace and allow yourself the time to think properly. You cannot continue as you are now and you absolutely must find a way to move forward at your own pace and look after yourself in the process.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thank you @Topkitten, I have cut ties and giving myself a breather BUT..... my middle son had such a bast go at me, blaming me coz I won't re_ mortgage my house to finance at "plan" he has, they always fail, he has been lovely the last 3 days, I bit the bullet and ordered a new carpet, he has been decorating but yesterday he was in a bad mood and spent most of the day telling me basically I'm stupid for not doing these things, had a go coz I won't buy my mum's council house to make money after her passing, I'm stupid, my siblings and mum too,_ I do nothing to help him _ and continued calling me from a pig to a dog and when i told him to stop he was destroying me, he said i suppose youre gonna chuck the suicide thing at me now, i really was totally suicidal and beside myself with grief, which was obviouse,hr carried on, even when i asked him to leave, he moaned i was only paying him 50 pounds a day !! He said that much and has a very selective memory, totally immasculated through epilepsy and has become someone else, very irritated and all sorts but when do you stop blaming the medication, he is also very bull headed,  anyone reading my story up to here are probably thinking _ too many things? Is it all truth X It' 100% my life and only just hanging in, can't wait to see cheree tomorrow,  my councillor, I have so much I need to offload, can't believe how 2 of my sons have become and got worse now their dad's dead, it seems a free for all to see what they can get, I'm grieving my dad too who died 5 weeks before my husband in July,  he is the father to my grandaughters,  who are my reason to live, that shouldn't change much because his girls just ring me to stay and then tell parents but they wouldn't stop me seeing them anyway, my eldest son is being evicted again tomorrow, ( a year almost while his dad was dying and i paid to keep grief away from my hubby, who deserved peace ) my eldest grandson told me that he is staying at his girlfriends  (15th old)
  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    The son I had row with is my grand children's dad___ my comment about that sounds like MY dad is their father !!!! Sorry
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    No need to apologise, stress makes us all make mistakes. All I can suggest about the troublesome son is just don't let him into the house. Cut him off completely and let him try to stand on his own. He will either come to realise that he cannot and should not treat you in such a way or will just blame you for everything. If the latter then stick to it. As I see it this is your only reasonable option. There is another but would not really advise it and would not put it on the open forum.

    I hope you can resolve this with a minimum of emotional pain but I don't see how you can sort this situation out without some suffering.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Sorry I had not spoken to you for a while.  How are you?  Trying to understand and sending a message of support.  I was reading that you seem to be everyone favourite target of abuse and mental cruelty.  This is not right.  You need to sit down with yourself and start to think about you.  I see the pain, hurt, misery from others who so much remind me of my family.  Again I get reminders and triggers from my past.  I was the feed bucket for the family.  Bank and the rest.  This is about you though and I feel the stress the load on your mind.   Understanding that you have a counsellor that is good that helps.  Please can I add use that service much as you can.  I am not interfering here but when I was making loads of money one time from business.  The family stepped in you can pay for this and that weddings, funerals, cars and everything else.  I lived with family paid over top rents and rest.  So one day I wrote every one a letter saying how I was feeling what they were doing to me mentally.  Making me ill with addiction telling them about my alcohol problems.  The time was Christmas all expecting luxury, expensive gifts.  So instead each annoying irritating family member got a letter.  I would suggest do the same.  I hope you can find some thing positive in what I saying.  I did even this had to go to court to stop my family doing any more misery and hurt to me.  I know that is extreme but I understand that is family.  You are important not them.  Time for every one to stand on their own two feet.  I hope and pray that every thing works out.  Take care
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  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thank you all again, I'm hanging on, I have disowned 2 of my son's for my sanity'a sake, but not many visitors at all since I closed my purse !! But I don't need this stress/pain, MR helping me claim ESA but not holding out much hope, gonna apply for PIP too because I have a few dangerous ailments _ on ailments good note I have started smiling again_ not much but I'm getting there, little steps, I wouldn't be where I ailments if it weren't for you ailments ml supporting me, hopefully if can start  supporting you ailments ml llc soon xx Thank you all
  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    Ailments !! Predictive texts !!  Meant  'a' and 'all' not ailments !! Gotta change these settings because I can spell correctly but don't look at predictive text above keyboard !!! But as usual I "don't know how" !!
  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    @Topkitten please messenger me the other option _ I'm intregued as to what you mean
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Thank you for replying.  This is great good new start.  I can hear some good excellent things.  You have done right thing.  I had to congratulate you yes apply for benefits why not.  I would.  This the new beginning.  All the pain and heartache will be there for a while.  Memories linger.  What helps is speaking about your problems.  Having a counsellor is a good start and is good for offloading.  Also don't worry about typing and computer.  I am not good with these sorts of technology.  I had a joke had a old computer had to wind it up like one of those old record players.  Had a young lad got him going for ages in a office I worked.  The old days of Amstrad and the rest floppy disks and all that.  Still can not get use of my mobile and online banking.  So any way hope everything works out.  By way you find and have new friends they will come I know this.  You have one and some on this community.  I hope to speak to you soon nice to talk to you.
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  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    edited February 2018
    Thanks @thespiceman and everyone else , I will let you all know if I get any financial help but you have all helped me so much, still eating for support fromm docs but getting there now _ I think tho some dysfunction are still black xx much love friends 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Thank you for reply and hope you succeed.  Always here to listen and give support.  Take care.
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  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    Oh I'm on a downer again up on Saturday flat on Sunday again nd down today, it will be 6months on 27th since I lost my hubbie, and my visitors have stopped now really, again expecting me to get on with life _ I don't have one and no where to go,  I was suicidal last nite so rang helpline and guess what _ busy! !! I really am trying but how do you get a life if you don't have friends ??. It was one of my son's birthday yesterday but I wasn't invited up or even contacted _ why do I bother ??
  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,793 Disability Gamechanger
    So sorry to hear that things are difficult, @bevvyp. Have you tried The Samaritans helpline when things are tough? I also hope that at the very least, you find comfort from the online community: you're always welcome here, and our members will do their best to offer support and encouragement wherever they can. I hope today is as kind as possible to you. 
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 215 Listener
    @bevvyp hi your certainly not alone I lost both my brothers my mums only sons , you have friends on here to talk to too..My brother showed no signs of his suicide so it was a massive shock . You did the right thing to ring the emergency help line although they didn't answer . But I believe your life won't be always in a bad place good things eventually come to those who suffer in this life ..be strong and think of the beautiful memories you had with your hubby.I do hope you get help today .
  • bevvyp
    bevvyp Community member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thanks all but I just can't get past losing my hubby and best and only friend, I just don't think I can carry on this way, I'm so alone and tormented by memories_ I'm seeing my grief councillor today so hoping to feel better but I'm sick of not sleeping and then being exhausted, I wish I had put exhaust in car when my hubbie  found the idea appealing, but i couldn't because I didnt want to hurt family !! Who don't even visit, I could of hung myself over weekend but as of yet I would still be hanging as not one person has messaged even tho I told them last week, doc says tell family but they aren't interested really

Brightness