What Autism is like for me

I could never have understood it like this ,until i got diagnosed this year...

And why i would become so agitated(cbt) does not change Autism..not in my case anyway...

This is the way i can explain it....and it doesnt mean i dont consistently try... NOW!  i put you infront of a piano...Now try to play like Beethoven...

Keep going!....and going......and going"....agitated yet?   now breath and try some cognitive exercises.....It might help you feel less physically agitated...now go back in and play like Beethoven...agigated again?...

I will always be Autistic..I will always see things on a 12...noises  visuals....sensory!   

For 51yrs i wondered why i was so agitated and never present with anyone..

People would enter a room and chat straight away to eachother like they were riding a smooth wave on a surf board...all present and together..(not saying Neurotypicals cant have social issues)
I would walk in and immediately notice the pattern of the carpet...noise  from down the hall....glimmer of glass shinning through the windows thats reflecting the sun maybe 1/3rd of a mile away..and hearing people talking in a muffled way..


Its nature not nuture....You are born with Autism...I didnt begin talking until i was way past 2yrs old(obviously nuture plays a part) but clearly...Autism isnt created from events/....You are just Autistic...a dial that goes to 12 and past it..You hear things no one else does and see...yet you cant see the things infront of you that other do....youre completely out of kilter with everything..

Hence why Autism means.
The word "autism" comes from the Greek word "autos," which means "self." It describes conditions in which a person is removed from social interaction. In other words, he becomes an “isolated self.” Eugen Bleuler, a Swiss psychiatrist, was the first person to use the term.3 Feb 2019

You,i at least ,feel totally isolated...Even in a room of many people...Like a glass has been turned over and placed over you...An invisible layer...from you to the outside world..although there are very real connections with the world in very truly unique ways...that Neurotypical people may not experience...Maybe in poetry,and deep thought...
ItS then that i feel not really alone....youre just separated by the mainstream masses....If everyone was Autistic ..im not sure that would be a good thing either...im not sure if theres an answer..

Just thought i'd give a little insight..Im still trying to work it all out!