Hi, my name is Ninii81!

Hi and thank you all for your kind words. I'm returning to work on the 8th of January and I've asked for a risk assessment to be done as currently my role is very physically demanding, I don't know what adjustments can be made yet or if there willing to help, I feel anything they do will be temporary.. I can't appeal my pip as it was quite some time ago and I'm left feeling that re applying is pointless as they lie in the assessment. I have bipolar but that's a recent diagnosis and currently on an antidepressant but the psychiatrist dealing with me has asked for a referral to neurologist as I have something wrong with my brain and there waiting list  means I won't be seen until October so I won't receive any sort of treatment for that until the neurologist has assessed me. It seems I have multiple conditions no one can treat and they all pass me around and don't believe I have so much wrong with me. I can't afford to be on the sick as we're not managing financially as it is but I can't get any help either. I get so down and just feel if I end my life I'm no longer a burden and I'm free from all these problems. I don't want my children to go trough all this for the rest of there lives so I keep trying to be OK and can't seem to talk to anyone. Sorry for rambling 

I've just applied for universal credit, and had a nightmare being hacked and someone has all my information like name address DOB and NI number. And had to change all passwords extra on all accounts, informed universal credit and they seem like this happens alot and won't do anything, the only way to protect my self against fraud now is by paying an online fraud protection company. I owe money for a loan from universal credit and tax credit overpayment from last year so finances are a mess. The gp's have been useless as they have caused a delay in treatment after telling the Psychologist I didn't have cerebral atrophy yet I had evidence and the brain scans from buying my medical records for pip.. There response was they don't list all medical conditions on your file incase you need travel insurance or want to go in the armed forces.. Everything seems a mess at the moment but it seems the kindest people are strangers that are also suffering and family and friends look the other way as they don't know how to handle my inability to cope. because I have invisible conditions and don't look how people would expect, they can't see the pain and struggle and I appear "normal" as some have commented like I'm supposed to be a stereo type to receive help or they don't believe me because I'm independent and struggle on without showing how much pain I'm in. You get penalised for trying to get on with things and if you don't fit into a certain box and look sick. It's like I have to fight every thing and everyone and I've lost the ability to do that at the moment. I'm trying to read through the work adjustments and links and make notes but I'm terrified about this meeting, I work for age UK and I know there a disability friendly employer and I still worried they will say if I'm not upto the job then I will have to leave.. Then what do I do.