Dating and relationships
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how to find friends

justjudithjustjudith Member Posts: 9 Listener
edited August 2020 in Dating and relationships
Hi.  This might be for the coffee lounge, but I'd ask here first.  How do I deal with other people's reaction to me? 

I am a mid 50's single woman (lesbian), who hasn't got a social circle. I am trying to put myself out there and make friends.  Any friend. ……  One that won't see me as asexual or too odd/weird to be an ordinary friend - due to my movement disorder (TD) let alone mental challenges. But..... where and how?

I am a member of facebook groups etc.  I don't normally do video calls (or phone calls if I want to impress - the TD means sometimes my speech isn't clear) due to the odd movements.  Anyway this one lass said about a video call and we did.  It was only for friendship -  and she made comments about my mouth etc. and it seems evident that I am not friend material.  As soon as she saw my head (I sit down so no-one has the fright of looking at more than me than has to ) . 


I am cautious of dating sites etc., as in the past (before TD) it was basically women either wanting one night stands or instant marriage - I like to devlop relationships and friendships.

Any tips. I might have this life skill wrong.

Judith

Replies

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 15 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • justjudithjustjudith Member Posts: 9 Listener
    I get what you say.  I have just read this - and I guess I am just struggling.  I am having issues being treated as human in social circles - just normal interactions really.   This TD didn't happen in an instant - it became a major issue in Oct 18.  I have been putting myself out in public since then. I  work and interact with people there.     I go to the gym (well not with COVID),  and other places. I make myself walk into town every day I am not working.  It isn't relationships as in romantic -  it's in interactions. 

    Ages ago I spoke to someone over the phone who couldn't see me - it was a helpline I think - and her view was "perhaps they don't know how to handle you" -  which blooming infuriated me.  

    Thanks for responding.

    I'm off work this week - so might sort out  housing benefit, debt etc

    Stay safe

    Judith
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 15 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • m_burrell82m_burrell82 Member Posts: 104 Pioneering
    I'll be 63 on Monday and no lady has ever wanted a proper relationship with me! I firmly feel that the problem is the UK!
  • leeCalleeCal Member Posts: 3,501 Disability Gamechanger
    edited July 2020
    Hi @justjudith I was going to say try visiting the kinds of places that the (with luck) kinds of people you would like to meet would go to. Then I thought, actually, if,I was looking for a relationship I’d be non plussed as to where to begin. 

    I mean generally, years ago, people would visit pubs and clubs. Perhaps not right now with the virus about, but for example, if I wanted to meet someone who likes reading, I’d visit a library often, or join a book club. When I was in my early twenties I learned bass guitar and joined a band and gained some new friends like that. You get my drift I’m sure. 

    Probably none of what I've said helps in the least so apologies now but I wish you luck with it.
  • m_burrell82m_burrell82 Member Posts: 104 Pioneering
    Believe me, I've always been getting myself out there. I just needed half a chance with anyone that might be interested. If someone had problems I'd be happy to lovingly share their problems. This lonliness is not the life I ever wanted. So I hate all this talk about the virus - just another excuse to mess me up. I'd be willing to take a bit of a risk to at last have a bit of that life I always wanted.
  • emmarenshawemmarenshaw Member Posts: 712 Pioneering
    Welcome to the community @justjudith
  • laura222laura222 Member Posts: 84 Pioneering
    Hi @justjudith! Nice to 'meet' you!

    Just wanted to throw my ore in! :p It can be so tough to interact with people, particularly when you have differences that may or may not be obvious right away. I find that it's an issue of being outside of most people's experience and thus outside of their expectations. When people experience something new they don't always react in the same way that they would in other situations, but this is completely their fault and due to someone leading a very sheltered life. It can be difficult not to blame yourself and your own characteristics when people make comments and treat you badly, but the blame absolutely does not lie with you. I hope that you can reach a point where you know that the way people react to you is solely their responsibility and a reflection of their difficulties in interacting with other people. If someone reacts badly to you, another person, that says to me that they are the people who are not friend material, not you.

    I'm always going on about celebrating your differences, because they're what make you awesome! Although I know from experience that this isn't an easy thing to do. But I do hope that one day you'll know that you are friend material, relationship material and just plain awesome!
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,653 Disability Gamechanger
    Welcome to the community @justjudith! Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. :)
    Scope

  • debbiedee513debbiedee513 Member Posts: 29 Courageous
    I’m not sure what TD is?  But I know I don’t have it, but I have the same problem of not being able to meet like minded people, people I seem to meet just want to use me for their own selfish gains, I’ve basically given up as like you I start thinking it’s me who has the problem, maybe it is, I don’t know, but it’s getting too stressful meeting new people, makes me thankful I live alone lol but it’s a lonely existence 
  • serenity2serenity2 Member Posts: 206 Pioneering
    edited July 2020
    Hi 
    wish I had the answers,.lim sorry I don’t, 
    im sorry for your struggles @justjudith..
    my illness is invisible but complex around making friends, because I struggle in group situations these days..and where on earth do you go that isn’t a group situation...
    I enjoy walking but it’s all groups..
    I wanted you to know I understand, not identical to you’, but the outcomes and emotions are similar..you are not alone..it’s difficult for me as I always believe there has to be a way around things that we find make us lonely or unhappy etc etc, but I’ve not resolved this myself,,,it’s the weekend and I’m feeling like life is passing me by yet again...
    I have to do something about it...
    maybe next week I will go sit in a local library if they are open and at least be around some people, Knowing they can’t really speak to me but they are there....maybe it’s a start for me....I’ve isolated so much...
    im thinking of you and hoping things change for us all..

    I do believe they can-change, but right now I feel a deep lonliness...
    I enjoy walking and a walk buddie sounds great but I can’t find that easily at all ..
    althougH someone suggested An ad in a drs surgery or hospital may work,,,

     because I fear being judged by people who new me prior to me struggling I fear doing an ad in case someone i new replies 🙄but it is a good idea I suppose...

    every good wish to you...I’ve written my thoughts down here as I was thinking of you and your situation, and how it resonates with me in a lot of ways....🌺🌺



     :)
    Best Wishes
    serenity2 
  • GeoarkGeoark Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 1,375 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @justjudith and welcome to the community.

    Have you checked out the Stonewall site? There is an easy search tool to see what is near you, or you can call them and they will try to assist you. https://www.stonewall.org.uk/

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • justjudithjustjudith Member Posts: 9 Listener
    hey, a slight update. Recently I phoned up switchboard  - just asked how do you find friends - no mention of my disability. He was not helpful. Suggested I ask lesbians at work where they go to - I said the two I know are much younger and have a different life.  The places an early 20's person wants to go is completely diferent to a mid 50's.  He also kept asking me why I haven't any friends!  I did email them and got a better response.  I know some have suggested searching for lgtb  places on google in my area. Most  are aimed for younger people - without a car and money to spend in  a pub...…- but I am not giving up! Over the years I do try evening classes, hobbies etc.  I chat at bus stops!  I have done evening classes - but if you go on your own you are likely to stay on your own.  I might keep you updated! At the beginning of COVID I said to a young lad at work that apparently virtual raves were a thing - the next time he said he had tried - and it was a waste! So, a handy hint there
  • justjudithjustjudith Member Posts: 9 Listener
    laura222 said:
    Hi @justjudith! Nice to 'meet' you!

    Just wanted to throw my ore in! :p It can be so tough to interact with people, particularly when you have differences that may or may not be obvious right away. I find that it's an issue of being outside of most people's experience and thus outside of their expectations. When people experience something new they don't always react in the same way that they would in other situations, but this is completely their fault and due to someone leading a very sheltered life. It can be difficult not to blame yourself and your own characteristics when people make comments and treat you badly, but the blame absolutely does not lie with you. I hope that you can reach a point where you know that the way people react to you is solely their responsibility and a reflection of their difficulties in interacting with other people. If someone reacts badly to you, another person, that says to me that they are the people who are not friend material, not you.

    I'm always going on about celebrating your differences, because they're what make you awesome! Although I know from experience that this isn't an easy thing to do. But I do hope that one day you'll know that you are friend material, relationship material and just plain awesome!


    Hi, yes, I celebrate my difference - sometimes the problem is people glance and see something physical so they don't get to see how awesome you aare in different ways!

    We are the best

  • mum1mum1 Member Posts: 11 Listener
     Outsiders is a FB group for people with any sort of difference, they have regular meet up for lunches around the country and are sexual orientation is not an issue. Give it a try. 
  • m_burrell82m_burrell82 Member Posts: 104 Pioneering
    @mum1 I am a Unitarian. Those things are not an issue with us either. Normal times we help people like "Rainbows Across Borders" in Croydon. Rainbows Across Borders are Asylum Seekers from places like Uganda where there is harsh laws against people of different orientations. Even though I was raised in mainstream Christian Churches, I would find it very difficult to go back to one now. Most of them don't have the same standards like I have on issues like this any more. Maybe any Christian could diplomatically tell us how their Church is on this.  If someone can afford to do so, maybe a person should also create a account of Outsiders on meetup dot com . Sometimes folk in a meetup group pay towards the cost of having it on that platform.

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