Hi, my name is Rosalind — Scope | Disability forum
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Hi, my name is Rosalind

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rosalind1951
rosalind1951 Community member Posts: 7 Connected
in Start here and say hello!

Hi, my name is Rosalind and I am the mother of Reuben91. I thank all those that kindly wrote back to him when he first wrote, but I don't know how to explain the pain my son is going through. He is even very nervous of reading your replies. Everywhere my son has gone has turned out to be painful and rejecting. I thank @steve51 for replying again offering help. All he wants is a girl to write to. He had that for six and a half years, but in the end the girl didn't want to get to know him romantically. Her mother and I wrote to each other for a while too, and they came to visit us, and we had a wonderful day. In fact the girl didn't want to leave. Can you imagine the confusion my son felt when she didn't want to know. I can assure you it had nothing to with their visit to us. Christmas presents were exchanged after that, it was only when my son explained how he felt about her, did things change. He was heartbroken when she didn't want to know, and has been like that ever since..He tried writing on dating sites and pen friend sites, but there were always money penalties. Like not only did you have to pay to join, but pay to receive a reply, and pay again to see if the person you wrote to had looked at your message. It appears to me, that the more disabled you are, the more money/profit they make out of you. Reuben can only cope with writing to one person. He knows this is a forum, and that many may answer. He is desperate to get back to a girl who would write to him. I have encouraged him to send in some of his photo's to you, he has taken fantastic nature photography's and has been trying to sell his work on Redbubble, a website that puts your photographs or artwork on to products. Unfortunately, there you have to advertise your work all the time, and money comes into that too. Reuben can't do anything unless he knows he can write to a girl.

I am sure you may find this odd or difficult to write to a mother, when her son has written too. But I don't know what else to do @steve51. I don't know what to encourage him with anymore. Can you perhaps suggest something else I can try please?

Kind Regards

Rosalind1951          


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  • rosalind1951
    rosalind1951 Community member Posts: 7 Connected
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    Hi @steve51, I needed to add to my previous and first post, that I LOVE my son Reuben91 so much, that it pains me that he hits his head because he cannot make  anybody understand the pain he is in.

    Regards

    Rosalind1951

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  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,648 Scope online community team
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    Hi @rosalind1951
    Thanks for posting. I'm sorry to read that your son is going through a difficult time. Forming relationships can be challenging. As one of our champions has suggested, it might be worthwhile if Reuben takes a look at  https://www.outsiders.org.uk/outsidersclub/
    I have heard good things about their events. 
    Scope
    Specialist Information Officer and Cerebral Palsy Programme Lead

    'Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us.' 

    Want to tell us about your experience in the community? Talk to our chatbot and let us know. 
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  • janer1967
    janer1967 Community member Posts: 21,964 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi and welcome to the community, I am sorry for the pain your son is going through. Does he just want to write to somebody or is he looking for a relationship ?

    It may be hard if he forms a bond writing to someone and then they dont want to embark on a relationship so he needs to be clear from the start what he wants .

    If he just wants to write maybe loom at writing to forces people

    Im not too up on where to look for friendship and dating sites but hopefully others will be here to help
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  • rosalind1951
    rosalind1951 Community member Posts: 7 Connected
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    Hi Richard_Scope

    Thank you for your reply to me, and thanks for your concern, I appreciate that.

     

    Thank you very much for the link you have sent, I have had a quick look at it, and have seen it is in London. We don't live in London, we are in Berkshire. I will again and see what else they can offer.

     

    Kind Regards

    Rosalind1951


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  • rosalind1951
    rosalind1951 Community member Posts: 7 Connected
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    Hi janer1967

    Thank you for your welcome to the community, and thank for your concern for my son.

    You question is a good one, but maybe complex for you to understand his thinking and mindset. His end result and deep desire is for a long time relationship, with someone he can trust. But he cannot do it any other way then through writing to a girl first. He cannot cope with going out, not because he has severe OCD & SPD but severe anxiety too.

    When my son was on a different forum many years ago, he was writing OK. Then he was being abused in DM even by the moderators. Suddenly a mother wrote to him telling him about her daughter and how she wanted to write on the internet, but was too afraid too. My son offered to write to her, she was autistic too. The was writing on an art and photography site, it was a sort of closed site. They liked the same things and they got on well. My son would write pages to her and she wrote the same back. The trust was there and the then email each other. It is or there in the messages he has sent here to introduce himself Reuben91. Things were so good and progressed. Sending photo's and then videos od each other My son made so many things for her., Christmas and Birthday and even in between. Presents sent to the mother and even her Gran and then in 2018m mother and girl came to visit in the summer. We had a wonderful time, the girl didn't want to go back. They exchanged Christmas presents. 6 1/2 years they had been writing to each other. My son wrote to tell her he had feelings for her, and it all want wrong . She said she was Asexual, she then turned on him calling him a liar, but for what she had done nothing wrong, accept tell her how he felt about her, and she wrote Goodbye. He has never got over that. He had  bad experience in school constantly bullied until he had a breakdown. He never went back to school, but was then taught at home by 2 home and hospital tutors. But because my son could not trust anyone anymore, including teachers. He shut his bedroom door to the tutors and that's how it was for the next 5 1/2 years.

    He has written to a few girls on dating sites, but they have all gone wrong, nothing that he has done.

    Thanks again, I know you were kind enough to write to my son. But all he can see is no girl to write to. He can't go out not only because of his conditions, but he can't bear to see another girl and boy together because he knows he hasn't got a girlfreind.

    Kind Regards

    Rosalind 1951


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  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community member Posts: 16,103 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @rosalind1951 - I  have messaged your son, but not yourself, so I hope you don't mind me joining in. I mentioned to Reuben that the 'Outsiders' might be of interest. They have an online community where members can message each other. About the venues they have where members can safely meet, this is not just in London. I notice in the application form that the Home Counties are also mentioned where they 'hold/might hold local lunches.' I have recommended Outsiders before to other members, & Richard has also said he has heard good about their events, so perhaps it is worth a try. It just seems a safe environment.
    I am sorry for what you've both been through. As a Mum, I know when your child hurts, regardless of their age, you feel it too. My best wishes. :)
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  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,648 Scope online community team
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    @rosalind1951 your son might want to have a look at this site.
    https://apenpals.com/friends/united_kingdom
    It is an online pen pal site in the U.K. 
    Scope
    Specialist Information Officer and Cerebral Palsy Programme Lead

    'Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us.' 

    Want to tell us about your experience in the community? Talk to our chatbot and let us know. 
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  • rosalind1951
    rosalind1951 Community member Posts: 7 Connected
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    Hi Richard_Scope

    Many thanks for sending this link, hopefully my son can find someone he likes that he can write to. I am sorry for my late response, I have been physically sick the last couple of days, I just hope I am over it now. Thank You again.

    Kind Regards
    Rosalind 1951

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  • rosalind1951
    rosalind1951 Community member Posts: 7 Connected
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    HI chiarieds - Thank you very much for your message, and for sending a message to my son. No of course I don't mind you joining in, I am very pleased that you did. I am sorry I didn't get back to you straight away, I have been sick for the last couple of days unfortunately, but I am hoping I am on the mend now. Thank you for pointing out the 'Outsiders' group again. Also that you say it has places in the Home Counties, hopefully there is a place near to us? The next step for us is to look at the website again and see where and what the form application says. Thank you again for pointing out this website. Also thank you very much for your understanding of the feelings of a Mum, you are so right, it doesn't matter what age your child is, if they hurt you do too. Very best wishes to you. :)


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  • rosalind1951
    rosalind1951 Community member Posts: 7 Connected
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    Hi Richard_Scope

    I wrote to thank you for the link you sent me for my son Reuben91 on the 28 July.. The link was 
    https://apenpals.com/friends/united_kingdom . my son actually paid yet another subscription for three months. He actually wrote to 2 people on the site. One even gave him her email address, my son wrote to her twice but she never replied. He wrote to another person but they didn't bother to write back to him either, which has upset him even more. It is a constant struggle for me to help keep his spirits up. I am at a loss of what to suggest now. Can anyone help please?

    Kind regards
    Rosalind1951 
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  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community member Posts: 16,103 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @rosalind1951 - may I ask if Reuben tried the 'Outsiders' club? Please see: https://www.outsiders.org.uk/outsidersclub/club/the-outsiders-club/
    Again, unfortunately there is no guarantee of success, & I'm sure it impacts greatly on Reuben if he tries, yet doesn't get a positive response. There again, if he doesn't try, that doesn't help him either. Hope this may help. :)

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  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,648 Scope online community team
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    Hi @rosalind1951
    I'm sorry to read that your son hasn't received replies from people that he has written to. Unfortunately, you cant make people reply. Do you know what he was putting in his correspondence? Perhaps he could change how he communicates with people in the beginning just a little?
    Has he contacted https://www.outsiders.org.uk/outsidersclub/club/the-outsiders-club/ yet? He might prefer that.
    Scope
    Specialist Information Officer and Cerebral Palsy Programme Lead

    'Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us.' 

    Want to tell us about your experience in the community? Talk to our chatbot and let us know. 
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