Autism and Aspergers
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What Can I Do To Make Things Right?

Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
edited January 25 in Autism and Aspergers

I am on the autism spectrum and have been bad last night and today. Last night I did not want to watch Dancing On Ice and I was told by my Dad in a stern manner to come downstairs to watch it to make my Mum and him happy. I take fluxoetine once a day and I am sure that that is the reason I have stopped emotionally reacting to when my Mum is stern with me, but because Dad rarely does it it can make me emotional especially since I tend to freeze and flight because I struggle to articulate my feelings. I am very quick to feel embarrassment and shame when I do something wrong so I went downstairs to watch the programme with my parents. When I feel those feelings I tend to ruminate so I was trying to keep that and any embarrassment or shame under control, plus I do not watch many ice skating shows so I was trying to understand it so I was very quiet. As a reuslt, I am pretty sure I still upset them even when I was failing at trying not to. I feel terrible but I know that they are pretty fed up with me, especially as I bought crafts that arrived today for me using an Amazon voucher they gave me for Christmas which makes it look like I care more about myself than anyone else. 

I really want to say that I am sorry but I know they are sick to death of hearing those words. I don't want to be a narcissist, I just can be very thoughtless because it feels like my brain cannot take on as much things as everyone else does in their brain. I don't want to be especially as we are stuck in lockdown together. I feel terrible that I hurt them and I want to make this right. What can I do to make amends? 

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Replies

  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Scope community team Posts: 3,057 Disability Gamechanger
    edited January 25
    Hi @Dylan246

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  From reading your story, I don't think you are a 'narcissist' or 'thoughtless' or anything negative at all.  We all have different personalities and interests, and like you Dancing on Ice doesn't interest me.  I'd say you reacted in a flexible way and from what I understand, you didn't complain or make a scene but did what your dad wanted you to do to make him happy.  I think it's important that you be kind to yourself as perhaps your inner 'critical voice' has took over a little bit.  Think about what you would say to a best friend who was going through this exact same thing.  You would be supportive, right?  Maybe speak to your parents more about what happened and explain you are worried you've upset them.  They might not react as badly as you imagine and I'm sure they wouldn't want you nattering about it.

    I hope that helps and let us know how you get on.  And, as not to confuse you, I've moved your post over to our Autism and Asperger's discussion board.  Take care.
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  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    I still messed up though because when I was trying to keep control of my thoughts by being quiet I looked upset when I was not. I did try to make a cup of tea last night but then I blurted out (should have kept it in!) why I do not have as much interest in Dancing on Ice than RuPaul's Drag Race UK and Strictly Come Dancing (which I do watch with family), and they got upset because they want me in supported accomodation but worry that I will not be able to be around other people.

    I think that was my emotion because I did feel fed up that me saying 'no thank you' was slightly ignored. I know that I should not feel shame but I do feel guilty for upsettting my parents. I am in my early twenties and since 2020 have only been starting to get help. I want to accept myself but I think I have got too obsessed with self-care that I am neglecting other people around me and causing them to get upset. I want to have my own living, preferably in shared accomodation so I am not on my own, but there are times where I think 'God, I am so useless that I will fail in my plan, so why bother?'.

    I got diagnosed as autistic when I was three years old, but only started to discuss my mental health problems last year. I have had very low self-worth and self-image so I think I got too obsessed trying to rebuild that. Part of it has worked as I have lost well over a stone and a couple of inches off my waist, but what I posted today shows it has not worked so far.

    I think the words 'make me and Mum happy' freaked me out especially said in a stern tone. My parents think I am being social on my own terms without thinking of others which is unfair to them. 

    I think my family (and certainly my friends) think I am egocentric which has caused issues. I just think my world has slowly become very small but because I have spent most of my life in mainstream and thus must be part of a neurotypical society, I have to have far more awareness of myself and everyone around me. I feell like I am in primary school within the education of having good social skills, when I should have graduated from its university.
  • Ross_ScopeRoss_Scope Scope community team Posts: 2,861 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Dylan246

    Thanks for speaking so honestly about how you feel. As Cher mentioned above, you don't come across as rude, a narcissist or as though you are inconsiderate of your parents. You sound like a lovely person who did their best to make their parents happy.

    You seem to be presuming what other people are thinking about you without actually knowing, which is understandable because we all do that sometimes. And often when we think like this we start to notice certain actions of other people that re-enforce our belief that we are doing something wrong. 

    I would advise talking with your family about how you feel, as you have done here, and hopefully that will help put your mind at ease about certain things. While it's important to make family happy, it's also vital that you make yourself happy, there's no use in always watching a certain show just because your family want you to and I'm sure they'll understand that. 

    I'm glad you've been getting help since 2020, has this help been working well for you? Please remember that if you ever feel as though you need further support you should talk with the health professionals in your life. And I'm absolutely sure that you will be able to make a success of getting somewhere to live, with the right planning, preparation and support you can do anything you wish :) 
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  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    I want to be lovely but I upset them because I acted like I was making them happy as an obligation rather than because I was thinking of them. 
    I tend to overthink so that I am constantly alert to other people's thoughts but when I don't do this I end up looking thoughtless. 
    I want to talk to them but I struggle to articulate my thoughts and feelings so I hurt them more by not being fully honest. I'll be more assertive next time but I want to be less selfish as well.
    I'm waiting for an appointment from VitaMinds for CBT, but I have a nutrionist. I will talk to them if I need to.
    I hope I get that success, I really, really hope so.
  • Ross_ScopeRoss_Scope Scope community team Posts: 2,861 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Dylan246

    Just a thought, you say you struggle to speak about how you feel to them. Perhaps you should show them this thread? From my point of view you've articulated yourself brilliantly and I'm sure seeing this would give them a good idea of how you feel right now. Of course it's up to you though.
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  • woodbinewoodbine Member Posts: 3,504 Disability Gamechanger
    hi @Dylan246 how are you this evening? I have you considered asking your GP for a referal for counselling so you can discuss your relationship outside of your family?
    my advice is given freely and is correct to the best of my knowledge.
  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    I worry that this thread will make them think that I’m feeling sorry for myself as they are saying they are trying to help me. I’m still feel shaky out of intense guilt, I’m waiting for CBT from Vitaminds so I don’t pull this mess again.
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Scope community team Posts: 3,661 Disability Gamechanger
    I don't think it would come across as you feeling sorry for yourself @Dylan246. I think you've been very honest here. Sometimes people can have good intentions in wanting to help, but it can be upsetting. They might rather know the truth, but I totally understand that you might not feel comfortable opening up to them at the moment.

    It's great that you're on a waiting list for CBT. Do you know how much longer it might be? 
  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    I think I feel I am in a complicated situation, where I get told off for lying but told off for telling the truth.
    It should be at least a month until I get CBT, at least I hope so!
  • OverlyAnxiousOverlyAnxious Member Posts: 1,225 Disability Gamechanger
    The sad reality is that you can't please all of the people, all of the time.  And this will lead to conflict and confrontation.  I can't deal with either of those things myself so just find it easier not to have to deal with other people at all (not that I'm suggesting that's a good approach!)

    I tried pleasing relatives for many years, at the detriment to my own health, and I can honestly say it wasn't worth it.  If you don't like a TV programme, that's fine, we all have different tastes.  You shouldn't be forced to watch it and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty for not enjoying something that you don't like.

    Are there some things that you do all like?  A TV programme or a jigsaw or walking or gardening or anything at all?  Maybe suggest that you do all do something together that will suit all of you.  :)
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Scope community team Posts: 3,661 Disability Gamechanger
    A month isn't too long, so that's definitely something to look forward to @Dylan246 :) 
  • Dylan246Dylan246 Member Posts: 52 Connected
    That's very true @OverlyAnxious and you're right. I can't please people but I want to not be on my own all the time. I should be more assertive and less of a people-pleaser. There are things in common, there was just a lack of understanding why there was something I did not like.
    I hope it does not get any longer @Tori_Scope. I can't wait for a month. 
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