Sexual harassment

newborn said:

Consider if what you are doing or saying would be o.k.,  if you were gay, and  if the object of your attention happened to be a man who looks like a nightclub bouncer.  You are gay, but you don't know if he is,  You think  he might be, but you don't know if he had a partner, or if he only 'goes out'  with men who don't resemble you at all. 
 
You would take care to devise a way to talk about something you hoped might be of mutual interest.  If he seems willing to talk further, you might casually suggest a drink, but without making it seem like a statement of intention, just in case you found yourself punched in the face(!)   If, to your delight, he accepted the invitation, you would still not be confident, because he might only want to discuss with you in a friendly way the topics you have in common, he certainly has not declared, by having a drink, that he is gay, nor that he is interested in you 'in that way'  nor or that he ever will be.  

In that imagined scene, you would be extra careful, because he is at least twice as strong as you,  and you quite like your teeth to be  left in your face!

Try reversing it.  This time, he is gay and interested in you.  Either you are not gay at all, in which case although you talk to him, and might have a drink and be friendly, you absolutely never will be going into a personal relationship with him.   Or, maybe you are gay, but half his strength, or less. Maybe you are  pretty scared most of the time, because you have often been attacked by strangers, and being so short and weak has made you a target of bullying since childhood.  Maybe your last relationship involved you constantly getting beaten up, and afraid to leave, or too emotionally involved to run away, until you saw the light, and vowed never to get involved with an abuser again.   

This man is not frightening you; not yet.  Not yet, despite his size and despite your natural fearfulness.  He is not standing too close; he is talking light-heartedly.   He hasn't 'come on' to you.   He talks about things of mutual interest.  He is very casual, pleasant,  not insistent. He  does manage to find a way to ask if you want a drink some time, without making it seem as if you are actually committing to a 'date' .     
Maybe you would be happy to meet for a chat, over a drink, but not for a date.  Maybe you never would do that, because you already have a partner.   Or maybe he is not 'your type', even though you quite like chatting to him.

   Or, maybe he might, gradually, get to know you and become friends, and eventually become a couple.  But the least sign of him being aggressive, or inconsiderate of what you want, would be an alarm bell for you.   If he starts to be forceful in any way, or insistent, or persistent, ignoring the signs you want him to back off, that will be the end of it, as far as you are concerned.    And if he chases you, tries to force you, seems to think he is entitled to insist on having his own way and scaring you, then he will be a bully and you will be right to be scared. 

newborn said:

Consider if what you are doing or saying would be o.k.,  if you were gay, and  if the object of your attention happened to be a man who looks like a nightclub bouncer.  You are gay, but you don't know if he is,  You think  he might be, but you don't know if he had a partner, or if he only 'goes out'  with men who don't resemble you at all. 
 
You would take care to devise a way to talk about something you hoped might be of mutual interest.  If he seems willing to talk further, you might casually suggest a drink, but without making it seem like a statement of intention, just in case you found yourself punched in the face(!)   If, to your delight, he accepted the invitation, you would still not be confident, because he might only want to discuss with you in a friendly way the topics you have in common, he certainly has not declared, by having a drink, that he is gay, nor that he is interested in you 'in that way'  nor or that he ever will be.  

In that imagined scene, you would be extra careful, because he is at least twice as strong as you,  and you quite like your teeth to be  left in your face!

Try reversing it.  This time, he is gay and interested in you.  Either you are not gay at all, in which case although you talk to him, and might have a drink and be friendly, you absolutely never will be going into a personal relationship with him.   Or, maybe you are gay, but half his strength, or less. Maybe you are  pretty scared most of the time, because you have often been attacked by strangers, and being so short and weak has made you a target of bullying since childhood.  Maybe your last relationship involved you constantly getting beaten up, and afraid to leave, or too emotionally involved to run away, until you saw the light, and vowed never to get involved with an abuser again.   

This man is not frightening you; not yet.  Not yet, despite his size and despite your natural fearfulness.  He is not standing too close; he is talking light-heartedly.   He hasn't 'come on' to you.   He talks about things of mutual interest.  He is very casual, pleasant,  not insistent. He  does manage to find a way to ask if you want a drink some time, without making it seem as if you are actually committing to a 'date' .     
Maybe you would be happy to meet for a chat, over a drink, but not for a date.  Maybe you never would do that, because you already have a partner.   Or maybe he is not 'your type', even though you quite like chatting to him.

   Or, maybe he might, gradually, get to know you and become friends, and eventually become a couple.  But the least sign of him being aggressive, or inconsiderate of what you want, would be an alarm bell for you.   If he starts to be forceful in any way, or insistent, or persistent, ignoring the signs you want him to back off, that will be the end of it, as far as you are concerned.    And if he chases you, tries to force you, seems to think he is entitled to insist on having his own way and scaring you, then he will be a bully and you will be right to be scared.