Dating and relationships
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37 year old virgin - May never get a girlfriend.

kevinjohnmannkevinjohnmann Member Posts: 5 Listener
edited April 21 in Dating and relationships
Hello

I have a very mild form of Cerebral Palsy and although there are people with much worse disabilities in relationships. I have never actually had a relationship,  I also struggle making a keeping friends and ergo have very little social life and does anyone find it gets harder and harder to make connections or for people to see you as a potential love interest or sexual partner? 

I have achieved extraordinary things I never thought I would achieve and tried so hard to be equal with able-bodied people and  I have sadly experienced disability discrimination even today, however I have been largely successful with one exception and that is the realm of relationships and sexuality.

I admit I don't get out much outside of my hobbies and don't have friends to socialise with my own age  spending an awful lot of my spare time with my family. 

At one stage in my life I felt immense pressure to have sex as got the understanding that being a virgin for so long was abnormal and un-natural. Being a disabled person some felt genuinely threatend by me having any sexual feelings at all. Or get the "That's so sweet / Thats so brave" brigade that don't take you very seriously. 

I've even been branded a pervert by some just for wanting the same as any other able-bodied person. 

Sadly I have found the longer I go on the more I seem to get mocked or worse suggest that i have a prostitute or mail order bride. To me that can be slightly offensive and even called and mocked as a "40 year old virgin" and even at one point in life encouraged to have same-sex relationships because I struggled getting relationships with the opposite sex. 

I have experienced it all and sadly these negative experiences have stayed with me. 

Sadly today I don't ever see myself in a loving relationship or even experiencing a loving adult sexual connection getting more and more dependent on porn. I do have a lot to offer the right person in a relationship however. 

I was wondering what other peoples experiences were like and how they coped with it?
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Replies

  • Sandy_123Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,368 Pioneering
    Hi @kevinjohnmann there's no shame in it at all being a virgin. The right person will come along when they do you will know, have you tried dating sites? What hobbies do you have? Is there a possibility you may meet someone through your hobby interests. 
  • mikehughescqmikehughescq Member Posts: 6,265 Disability Gamechanger
    Brilliant to talk about this. It’s unspoken but applicable to a range of disabilities. 
  • woodbinewoodbine Community Co-Production Group Posts: 4,088 Disability Gamechanger
    Agree with Mike,  Kevin it's great to meet you and so good that you could express your feelings in the way you did. I would say ignore those who make negative comments but I imagine they can be so hurtful.
    To be honest I have little to offer in the way of advice as I lost my virginity many moons ago.

    However you do mention having free time and spending it with your family (nothing wrong with that) could you find some voluntary work so you could meet people outside your normal social circle? Widen the net so to speak?
    "Putting a child into care, isn't caring for a child" (T.Rhattigan)
  • kevinjohnmannkevinjohnmann Member Posts: 5 Listener
    Well I have Japanese lessons which started out in a class and I went to meet other people, sadly the college dropped the class due to too few people taking it and a lot of drop outs. 

    I do martial arts to improve my control over my Cerebral Palsy however most of them are families and married couples and no singles there at all. 

    Finally i do an internet radio show which is essentially me talking to myself at home whilst being recorded - just been nominated for an award in it and have been quite good over the years.
  • mikehughescqmikehughescq Member Posts: 6,265 Disability Gamechanger
    And have you ever talked about this on the show, or put an invite for others to join you in discussing it:
  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 4,126 Disability Gamechanger
    I know a lady who is 92 in the village and has always been a virgin and she says she never met the right man or woman  lol she is a lovely lady 
  • ScottyboyScottyboy Member Posts: 47 Courageous
    Hi @kevinjohnmann
    I have seen on here that there is a group called The Outsiders which maybe able to help you with relationships/meeting someone
    Whereabouts in the country are you?
  • Richard_ScopeRichard_Scope Posts: 2,770

    Scope community team

    It is hard not to feel the societal pressure to have sex and prove we're just like everybody else, which we are of course! In my experience, it doesn't pay to fixate too much on the sexual part of a relationship as difficult as that can be at times. Building friendship, so somebody can really get to know you, has always been the best way of nurturing potential romantic intentions. It is most likely the case that you just haven't found the right person for you. Where are you based @kevinjohnmann? I would be happy to try to support you.
    Scope
    Specialist Information Officer - Cerebral Palsy

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  • kevinjohnmannkevinjohnmann Member Posts: 5 Listener
    I'm actually in Essex but yes I do music radio so wouldn't talk about it there
  • LukeChesterLukeChester Member Posts: 3 Listener
    The more we are focused on sex and relationships, the more these thoughts devastate us. Thus, people feel unhappy and exhausted.
    We can drive our sexual power to art, work, sport, and it will bring much more benefits. Single people often start getting more achievements in other fields of their lives - they just change a focus.
    Another fact is quite funny: when you stop thinking about relationships and completely dive into career/education/sport and so on, the right person finds you suddenly.  :) 
    So I hope it will take its time in your life.
  • BrettyBoyBrettyBoy Member Posts: 7 Listener
    Autism is a **** drier for most women, unfortunately.
    YouTube.com/BrettyBoy200
  • lisathomas50lisathomas50 Member Posts: 4,126 Disability Gamechanger
    I  have had a few children  so I have had sex a few times and I was abused when I was younger  I did get back to normal where I had feelings during sex but then I got to the point where I couldn't be bothered  I was working full time as a carer do it never bothered me 

    It seemed to be after haveing children I lost interest  then since corona virus I wouldn't want to neither does my partner  but it doesn't bother me doesn't make me less happy 
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,709

    Scope community team

    @kevinjohnmann How are you doing?  Have you been able to get out a little more since restrictions have eased?

    I hope the responses have helped and they definitely offer a lot of food for thought.  The suggestion of joining The Outsiders Club is an excellent one, as this is a social, peer-support and dating club run by disabled people.  Is this something you might be interested in exploring?

    Also @LukeChester is right - they say comparison can be the thief of joy and we often assume that if things were different we'd be happier, i.e. if we had kids, a better house and were part of a couple.  But there's a lot to be said for what we have now and enjoying that which we tend to overlook.  Nevertheless, I completely understand your want to experience sex and loving relationships, and I'm sad to hear you've come up against such stigmatised (and outdated) views.  Please try not to let these deter you from trying new things and meeting people.  As @Richard_Scope said – friendships are often the gateway to relationships so perhaps see what is available in your local area that marries with your interests.

    I hope you are keeping well.  Take care and have a great Tuesday! 

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