Trans at 11?

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  • Elm
    Elm Online Community Member Posts: 10 Listener
    I hope that wasn't aimed at me 😡😡
  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 4,336 Championing
    edited August 2023

    Hi Elm,

    I don't believe it was aimed at you but it would be kind of Scope to let you know!
    I've no idea either why members would be judgemental on a forum for 'a community connected by disability'

  • Elm
    Elm Online Community Member Posts: 10 Listener
    They sent me a pm about it
    WhatThe said:
    I've no idea either why members would be judgemental on a forum for 'a community connected by disability'
    Yes!!! I don't get why join just to be rude to people 
  • theo_bees
    theo_bees Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 17 Connected
    I am trans and autistic.
    I figured out I am trans at 15 (I'm 18 now) but always felt 'different', I just didn't have the words to describe it. I wanted to be called a different name since I was 7 and hated my body, especially when puberty hit.
    At 11, some people may know exactly who they are and others are still figuring it out. And if they get it wrong honestly I think that's okay. It's all a journey of self-discovery and the best thing anyone can do is support someone for who they are in that moment, even if they change their mind later.
    I know that for me, when I first came out people said I was wrong, and 'taking part in a trend', and that my brain couldn't comprehend these things or make decisions like this. They didn't use my preferred name and pronouns, and it hurt me so much., and made my mental health much worse. Treating someone with love and respect, no matter how they identify, is always the most important thing in my opinion, and support them no matter what happens or how they identify.
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Online Community Member Posts: 17,155 Championing
    theo_bees said:
    Treating someone with love and respect, no matter how they identify, is always the most important thing in my opinion, and support them no matter what happens or how they identify.
    I especially wanted to comment on this last part of your reply, &, if it's OK to say, I think as such a young person you've put it incredibly well.
    My eldest grandchild decided at your age, tho I think they may have felt like this for a while, that they identified as being male. We've all taken this onboard, & he's changed his name, which we always use (well at least the shortened version of it!) He has become a more confident young person, & certainly he's become that tad bit more talkative. But nothing, as you say, should change how much you love that person, & nothing has in my family's case.

  • Elm
    Elm Online Community Member Posts: 10 Listener
    Thank you @theo_bees. My concern has always been for my child's wellbeing and I have worried that is it does turn out that they were wrong, that it will have done more damage to their self-esteem and sense of self. But I agree with your words about treating everyone with love and respect and that is what we teach too. I hope that by knowing I'm always here for them they will be able to get through anything life throws.

    We're almost 2 years in and my child is doing well for the most part. We are facing barriers with certain transphobic parts of the NHS but otherwise things are going well. I hope you are doing well too. 
  • Jimm_Alumni
    Jimm_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,713 Championing
    It's unfortunate how much the political discourse around the topic has soured so much and made places unwelcome for people who are just trying to discover who they are. 

    I'm glad to hear your child is doing well @Elm, it sounds like you have really done the right thing by being there for them and ensuring they know they are loved no matter what.
  • SpaceAce
    SpaceAce Online Community Member Posts: 9 Listener
    I don't have kids, but I also don't think there's any harm in accepting their chosen name and pronouns. It shows that you love and support them. And even if they change their mind later, they'll still understand that you're on their side. Listening to kids and taking what they say seriously can really do a lot of good.
    Don't be like my mom and therapist who told me I was "too young to know" that I was asexual when I was 21.
  • tisms6
    tisms6 Online Community Member Posts: 14 Listener
    Good evening all, found this thread in my email and thought I'd leave a comment. 
    My autistiic child at age 11 informed me she was gay, and then a few weeks later changed her mind and said she was bi, and then trans. She struggled significantly with social anxiety,  low self-esteem ,  awful anxiety and communication difficulties.  Like you, I was so concerned about her mental health and just wanted her to be happy and comfortable in her own skin and be who she wanted to be.  All of her friends were also identifying as something similar.  I supported her as best I could but I didn't encourage if that makes sense. I just wanted her to go at her own pace and went with it supportively. She changed her name, shaved her head, changed clothes,  wore binders etc. Within approximately 12 weeks,  she was back to identifying as a straight female.  She still struggled so hard to fit in and make friends, with other peers being mean to her, or how thats how she perceived it to be, a little while after she took an od as a cry for help.  She was absolutely fine after and recovered,  albeit one of the worst experiences of hers and  my life.  My point is, the experience put everything into perspective and as long as she is happy and healthy,  I don't care what she wanted to identify as,  she is my child,  whom I love no matter what.  We're 5 years on now and with ongoing counselling and lots of support from all around her, she has lots of great friends, a lovely boyfriend and is doing fantastic in school.  She is still anxious and struggles some days more than others but continues to grow more confident everyday.  My advice would be,  let your children explore and decide with what they feel is most like them, love and  support them . They're still the person you've loved and know,  no matter what. My thought's and good wishes go out to all that are struggling with this !

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