Moving out disabled, mentally ill and with pets.
Hi all! This is my first ever post so I'm sorry if I'm posting on the wrong spot.
I'm 22 and in a bit of a sticky situation. I'm currently living at home with my mother and her recently disabled partner, and I feel as if the environment is quickly becoming toxic due to the clashing needs and growing aggression. Every day, there's an argument about something with insults and aggression, and my overall safety in my home feels like it's not there. I witnessed my mum slamming/breaking things, her insults are getting more and more hurtful, and on days where my disabilities (an unknown illness that's currently being investigated, autism, and hypermobility if that counts) are at their worse, my reasons are considered as excuses. I tried discussing these things with her in every way I could; calmly, while shouting, throwing insults back, crying, writing it, sending resources — I feel like the only thing I haven't tried was a powerpoint.
I admit I'm also at fault as I've not being able to cope or maintain the sudden increase of dependence coming from both her (she has her own disabilities) and her partner (who became disabled due to a stroke) despite not being a main carer. I've tried my hardest for almost a year to be as accommodating as I physical could without sacrificing my own needs, but I'm reaching my own limit. I've been told that I'm not doing enough, that I'm treating my mother as a dog, and I've had more meltdowns than I can count since this all began. I assumed it was just because of the sudden change being so quick and rapid, but I feel myself going into a burnout, which is why I think it's best that I move out before things get really bad.
But I have no where to start. I'm unable to work, I feel like I might have to get in a carer as I struggle to take care of myself (though I feel like that's a by-product of the stress I'm under) and I have 3 cats that I consider my emotional support animals as without the, I'd be in a MUCH worse mindset than I already am.
What are some advice, directions and/or resources I can go through to help put me in the right direction? From my research, everything is more separated (e.g I see advice where someone is just autistic or just has pets or are just disabled rather than a mixture) and I feel like I can't get a direct answer. Anything and everything is appreciated!! Thank you!
Comments
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It may not be easy to find some where else to live because mostly it never is. You could start with putting your name down on the social/council housing list in your area. However, as a single person it may take many years to be housed.
You could refer yourself for a needs assessment from your local Authority and this may help you to be placed into a higher band on the social housing list. There may also be some properties that will not allow pets.
There's also privately rented but again, this isn't easy either. If you're claiming benefits then the majority of landlords won't accept a tenant claiming these. If you're lucky enough to find one then they may ask for a guarantor.
With private landlords you also have the issue of your cats because a lot of landlords will refuse a tenant with pets. There's also another issue and that's rent they charge is very often higher than the amount that benefits will pay, so you will need to meet the shortfall in rent.
It's not easy living alone because you'll be responsible for all the bills, energy, water, TV licence, internet etc etc.
There's a lot to think about but for me if I were you then I would add my name to the social housing list first. This is what I did last April when the house I was living in was no longer suitable for my needs. I was placed in the lowest band to start with. Then I had a needs assessment and because my landlord refused the adaptions I was moved up to urgent medical priority in August 2023. I was often a house in December 2023 and moved in mid January 2024.
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Thank you so much! I assumed it would be difficult to move out because of my pets and benefits. I appreciate the lil advice you gave me!!
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Hi and welcome to the community 😊
I felt sad reading of your predicament because I had to leave home before I was ready for similar reasons. What my mum said to me many years later was "I was ill. Why didn't you get me to a doctor?". Well, perhaps because I was a young teenager and nobody listened to me..
This can't be your fault and it wasn't mine either. Verbal abuse is extremely harmful. You are not responsible for your mum's new partner so I would ask social services to step in, with her knowledge.
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I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, @wreckacowboy. It sounds incredibly tough, especially with the toxic environment at home. Have you tried contacting National Domestic Abuse Helpline? They offer free and confidential support. You can call them on 0808 2000 247 or visit their website. However, if you ever feel like you're in immediate danger, please call 999.
With the housing issues facing the country at the moment, it's likely to be a prolonged process, but you could take a look at Shelter's website or call them on 0808 800 4444 in case they have any suggestions about the best way to approach the situation
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Hi Adrian, thank you so much for some the info! I don't feel as though I'd need to go as far as the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, as I personally don't believe it falls under that category? I am currently going through the Shelter's website though and so far, it's been a big help! Again, thank you so much!
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Hi hi! I'm so sorry you also went through something similar (though, i feel as though my experience isn't exactly verbal abuse? but still!) and I hope that you're in a better place.
Would social services be outside/NHS carers? If so, we've already gone down this route, and both her and her partner have decided it wasn't best for them as my mum felt it was too invasive. Plus, our experience with them hasn't been the best with the amount of violations they did (such as mixing the bleach wipes and body wipes in the same bag, not cleaning the floor after using the taps, and a few other things that I can't remember right now).1 -
Hi all!
I've gotten some comments saying that I'm possibly being abused or are labelling it as abuse, and I'd like to clarify that I'm in no way being abused, it's just simply toxic. Compared to the real abuse out there (verbal, emotional, financial, physical, seggsual, etc), what I go through is nothing close to it. Plus, my own mum is an abuse victim herself, and with what she told me, it's nothing like what she went through. I also feel it doesn't happen often enough for it to be classified as abuse, and I'm not in any physical danger! When I said I felt unsafe, it's because my home is slowly not feeling like my home anymore, and due to my autism, it's feels like my safe haven where I can relax, recover, and/or enjoy the space is being threatened = it feels unsafe.
I'm so so SO sorry for everyone I worried with not being clear with what I meant. I thought I managed to word it well and I feel so bad for the extra worry I put 😓1
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