Have I any option other than the streets?

I have a GP. You have to call repeatedly at 8am to get through for an appointment, so I did this last week.

Asked for a telephone appointment, as I'm really struggling to leave the house, and this is why I haven't seen the Marie Trust. Not only that, we're looking at six trains, and it takes around 4hrs in total. Where I am just now isn't where I'll be living, so there's no point in changing my GP just now.

Surgery called back at 0830 - Basically, the doctor has an appointment for you, but you have to come here, otherwise no deal… so forget that.

I had an Adult Services Social Worker… who promptly transferred me to an advocate, dumping me out of the Social Work system, although I am still involved with them through Children & Families with regards to a separate matter.

Yesterday and today, I contacted the advocate, asking if there is any possible way that I can be put away for my own safety. I'm not washing myself, washing my clothes, eating, going out, anything - although I did eat yesterday and today because I told my friend just how desperate things were getting for me, and he put something down in front of me.

No response from the advocate.

Thank you, Rosie, although I very much doubt that the Marie Trust or Shelter or anywhere such as this can do anything for me in my current state.

I actually contacted my wife yesterday, asking if I could meet her for half an hour prior to my Mental Health assessment next Thursday. The reason for this is how crushed I am due to the loss of my kids, who I can't see as I shouldn't have got up the next day after I spent 2hrs with them at least a month ago. I wanted her to tell me how they were, as she spends more time with them than anyone else.

Got up today, and there was a message saying that she doesn't need to see me at all, and that I need to get all my stuff out of MY HOUSE, which I can't, as it would feel like game over and that'd finish me off.

She believes that I've somehow abandoned them, when it's absolutely killing me to not be with them.

So I called up Social Work, and I asked them to put me away before my friend goes away on holiday. I really don't trust myself to be alone, and I don't think this is bad judgement. Anyway, the Social Worker's off on holiday, and I'm to contact my Mental Health worker.

I don't have a beeping Mental Health worker. All I have is an advocate, who has been allocated to me for about two months, and in that time he's ignored both messages that I've sent him, and I met him at the cancelled meeting and he said he was going to see Homeless Services, so that he could land me on my own and at risk of not making it through the night.

I'm not hearing my diabetic alarms at night, and that's one thing that could finish me off, but just my mental state alone could do it.

This can't go on. I can't deal with it, and I'm one divorce letter away from being found dead. I just don't know what to do, other than cry, which is what I do when I'm alone. I'm even overdosing my mental health meds because they knock me out, because I can only handle this hell asleep.

So sorry. I'm beyond helping. I just don't want to kill myself because of what it'd do to my kids and my father.

I did something really stupid this week. In all honesty I'm ashamed of myself and it's left me terrified.

My friend went on holiday, the day after I'd lost my meds when I went to a hospital check-up. I can't handle being alone, but taking away the ADHD meds - in the middle of a manufacturing problem - and I flipped.

Tuesday night I was taking panic attacks. Calmed down, 500mg Trazodone at 8pm to knock myself out. Then I woke up and another panic attack at 3am. Calmed down, another 500mg Trazodone. Woke up at 3pm the next day with my blood sugar at 3.4 - It had been hitting the floor, I'd taken too much insulin as well. Toxic dose of Trazodone they told me at the hospital, where I was discharged after about 2hrs without any money. I didn't have my bank card. I didn't think they'd let me back out. I wouldn't.

I freaked. Ran at a wall, jumped, and nutted it. Then police started taking my details. Checked me and it'd have said "Vulnerable" and nothing else.

Hospital then offered me a taxi. I asked if I could go to dad's, 20 miles away, so I wouldn't be alone. They refused. Only gave me the taxi back to the empty house.

Told my friend. I'm here on the agreement that I keep my head together. Now waiting on him throwing me out when he gets back. I'm knocking myself out, but I'm really tired. Just the 200mg dose.

I can't do this. I can't be alone and there's no way out of it. I've kept it out of my mind all day and now thinking about it has me crying again.

Please stop this.

And social work called up. Some meeting about my kids. Do they honestly think I'm capable? I don't. And she isn't either, but I've got to lie through my teeth to keep them out of care. I'm so scared of everything. I'm broken. And they wouldn't even take me off the streets. I asked twice.

I can go to dad's overnight as an emergency, but not for a week. Problem is I have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome and he is asleep for 10 and up at 6. Hears everything. If I as much as go to the loo, he wakes up.

The constant worrying is so bad that my head hurts because of it, and the panic attacks are absolute hell on Earth.

Of course i want to get better, but I've no family here and my friend's a busy man. Not only that, I've really soured things by what I did midweek. I can't get work because of the state of my teeth (waiting on an op) and just the general state of me. I've got Linux crawling on an ancient laptop. No computer, nowhere to listen to music, scared of myself, scared of everyone else, and scared of being alone more than anything else.

I don't know if there is any sort of solution for me, and I know I can't stay here forever. All I can think about is being found on a pavement somewhere, because I have nowhere to go.

That's the problem. I can't. This has now gone on for about 15wks. I can't stay here, dad won't have me, and I honestly fear for myself if I end up alone..

Currently feel as grounded as I can and willing to consider any solution, just so that my head stops hurting. I only want to be safe, not be in a panic, have someone nearby if my head goes into a spin, and have my things.

And I need to get better - for the sake of my kids, my dad & my friend.

I don't matter, but they deserve better.

I start a bereavement course this week, for some reason or other.

Went to GP on Friday and asked to be put away, so I could try and get help and have my medications altered to see if it'd stop my mind jumping from good to hyper-anxious to beyond-depressed. Said that I'm in no fit state to accept any sort of accomodation at present, as I would be alone and that's hazardous, therefore I need help.

Doctor said:

1. They do not offer such services

2. I should go and speak to Homeless Services, as they can set up shared accomodation with someone else who is on their books.

I spoke with a Homeless worker, perhaps in late-May, and his first question was, "What drink or drug dependencies do you have?" and I juddered back in the hospital bed.

Turned out I was either the first or second person he'd seen this year who had no addiction issues. He couldn't remember whether the previous one had been before or after the Christmas holidays.

In other words, I was told to shack up with someone and risk needles lying around, theft, and all sorts. Junkies are one of the reasons that I've chosen to spend the night on the streets rather than in a hostel, and I've refused offers of flats in tenement buildings. I'm absolutely terrified of them given what happened in the past.

Thankfully, I'm getting on OK with my friend, but I really could do with a night in a bed. The pain in my back and in my shoulders is constant, and even one night would reduce this dramatically.

Had to cancel my CT scan today as well. Not a penny to my name, so I couldn't afford the train.