Feeling lost

I could of wrote this myself 52 also menopause waiting adhd test 100 percent know I'm autistic same failed marriages never holding job down nightmare of a life and now with budget 30th October all to much I totally understand what your going through so so so hard draining scary

That's amazing !! Never heard of sunflower I will look that up its true about hiding your ways when I'm alone I will sing all different things mostly made up swing arms around have conversations with people that aren't there full blown conversations even arguments lol I only act like this in front of my daughter she joins in when I'm facing difficulties I always say what would Anthony say in my head and he answers don't know why he's called Anthony had this since a child and also counting number plates I say for example am I going to get into trouble if the numbers 5 it means yes because always start with yes for years I've done this and oh yes at one point I thought I could read peoples mind I'm so glad you embraced you x

I was always a people pleaser so called friends would call id jump do everything look after thier kids shopping money the lot I was always constantly drained and had to go home sleep for a week literally so intuned with people's pain always wanting to pls and take thier pain away whilst neglecting my needs I started therapy 2017 twice a week for 18 months Tuesday group Thursday one to one with psychoanalysis I think that's what she was I started realising boundaries saying no and meaning it without the worry of offending or people leaving me it was freeing obviously not for the people using me I understand the childhood part I'm an only child parents alcoholics I was always the brunt of the jokes I also had pmdd with was hell that's another story I have guilt of my daughters childhood and I'm really blessed she wants a relationship with me but moving forward with therapy I have boundaries for myself I'm a loner I really not interested in friendships I go with what ever is comfortable for me we never stop learning even of it is really painful we have to go through being extremely uncomfortable painful amd that sucks as I don't know about you years of masking is hard to break down in front of anyone I've always done my make up hair presented myself as what I thought or think was acceptable took me years and I still find it hard to take off literally we are none of those things we been made to believe we are kind caring sensitive to the people around us great listener's good a problem solving you made the steps to find yourself and what will make you comfortable in this world and I wish you all the best your definitely not alone and you can find some peace with guidance tell yourself through this journey that you will as kind to yourself as possible x

It does get easier at the moment that probley feels impossible a life time of jumping how high isn't easy to break but it can be done I've literally cut alot of dead wood out of my life at first it wasn't easy id get panicky id convince myself it wasn't them it was my quirky ways but deep down I knew they seen me as a soft touch and I'd get so angry god the rage could move mountains and now looking back I seen they missed me more than I did them and you don't have them in your head disturbing your peace have enough thoughts as it is I don't have any drama I don't have people who trigger me I don't feel lonely i respect my peace the most important people in our life's is us we have to push ourselves extra harder than the next person honestly it does get easier take whatever support you can I do body dismorphia groups 2 a month through ocd action group loads of groups out there and obviously scope very kind understanding patient sorry to go on just letting you know there is hope