Feeling lost

haras321

I'm 52. Struggled all my life with feeling wrong. I was known as the black sheep of the family. Suffered with depression, anxiety, ocd, and ptsd most of my life. My daughter who is 18 was referred for an autism assessment and diagnosed with autism and adhd. During her assessment a lot of what was said hit home. I could relate to all of what the pyshchiatrist was saying. I did some research and spoke to the gp who agreed that he thought I was probably autisitc. I was later diagnosed as autistic and having adhd. My younger daughter is also waiting for assessment.

The problem is I feel so angry. I know it wasn't recognised in girls when i was younger but i feel so angry about the life I could have had if I knew I wasn't "weird or too quiet". I have a broken marriage, walked out on careers and can no longer work, been a victim of a sexual assault, have no friends, no longer speak to family, the list is endless. I have spent years trying to fit in and I am tired of it. The worst are the meltdowns. When things get tough I just shout, scream then retreat to bed. To make matters worse I am now dealing with the menopause.

Not only am I trying to deal with the "new" me, I am trying to help my daughters who both have their own needs.

I am so tired. I feel so so sad at a wasted life. I had so much potential and just wanted to help people but always ran when life got hard. I was always told i needed to make and effort, i needed to get out of my comfort zone, be more like my siblings etc.

Normal people aren't going to change, I feel too old for it to matter.

I wish I had never had the diagnosis as its made my depression so much worse.

Anyone else relate?

Thank you.

StodgySquare

Hey @haras321, yeah I definitely relate and it's so exhausting believing that you're the problem or a burden constantly. ❤

You're struggling and I feel your frustration and possible guilt with your past actions and life in general but you're trying your absolute best, especially for your daughters.

I'd wish people aren't classified as "normal" because you are normal.

I'm so sorry you've been abused, that's so much trauma to heal from, however that wasn't your fault. ❤

I struggle also with my emotions and find myself shutting everyone out and literally removing myself.

You're supporting your family despite your suffering but now it's absolutely time to support yourself ( not implying your family's not supportive.) ❤

It's completely okay to feel rage or grief for your life so far and even worse after your diagnoses ( I felt the same.)

Have you considered or tried receiving professional help? That might be a good place to start.

You definitely deserve friendships and do you think maybe a club or other social activities to engage in could help?

Hope I'm not coming across as condescending, I guess I'm brainstorming ideas.

My suggestions may be to overwhelming right now and not the right choice for you and that's totally fine. You do what's best for you, I'm not expecting you to immediately turn your life around

Please remember

you're completely normal

People care and love you for who you are

Even if you don't believe it

I really wish you the best @haras321, you deserve it. ❤

Great care-

@StodgySquare

Pinkity

Hi to everyone in this thread. I hope you all find this helpful.

I can also relate. I'm 53 and was diagnosed at 50. I struggled socially in school and all through my life. When I was diagnosed, I felt angry too. I had all the thoughts about "if only I had been diagnosed when I was younger" too, sad at all my failed relationships and everything. Three years on, I'm much happier. I made an active decision not to dwell on what could have been, and what had been, but to focus on what could be. I stopped hiding who I was, I began asking for help, and the hobbies that sustained me when I was struggling back then, will hopefully become a way for me to earn a living in the future. I have made the choice to remain single and I am happy with that. I've also gone public with my autistic fixation with dolls (which is apparently quite common with autistic girls and women) instead of being embarrassed about it and I have been pleasantly surprised at the reactions of family and friends, who have supported it, rather than disparaged it.

I still have bad days and my particular autistic issues still get in my way, but overall, things have improved for me. I also recommend getting a "Hidden Disabilities" sunflower lanyard to wear in situations you find difficult. I wear mine when going shopping and I think it has really made a difference in the way people interact with me when I'm out.

Processing a diagnosis takes time. Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be you, autism and all. Own it. Own your quirks and your foibles and your weird interests (if you have any). Chill in your comfort zone. Stuff what anyone else thinks. You've done your time as an NT and it didn't work for you, so now just be you. I wish you all peace and happiness for the future xx