I'm 52. Struggled all my life with feeling wrong. I was known as the black sheep of the family. Suffered with depression, anxiety, ocd, and ptsd most of my life. My daughter who is 18 was referred for an autism assessment and diagnosed with autism and adhd. During her assessment a lot of what was said hit home. I could relate to all of what the pyshchiatrist was saying. I did some research and spoke to the gp who agreed that he thought I was probably autisitc. I was later diagnosed as autistic and having adhd. My younger daughter is also waiting for assessment.
The problem is I feel so angry. I know it wasn't recognised in girls when i was younger but i feel so angry about the life I could have had if I knew I wasn't "weird or too quiet". I have a broken marriage, walked out on careers and can no longer work, been a victim of a sexual assault, have no friends, no longer speak to family, the list is endless. I have spent years trying to fit in and I am tired of it. The worst are the meltdowns. When things get tough I just shout, scream then retreat to bed. To make matters worse I am now dealing with the menopause.
Not only am I trying to deal with the "new" me, I am trying to help my daughters who both have their own needs.
I am so tired. I feel so so sad at a wasted life. I had so much potential and just wanted to help people but always ran when life got hard. I was always told i needed to make and effort, i needed to get out of my comfort zone, be more like my siblings etc.
Normal people aren't going to change, I feel too old for it to matter.
I wish I had never had the diagnosis as its made my depression so much worse.
Anyone else relate?
Thank you.
