Feeling lost

haras321

I'm 52. Struggled all my life with feeling wrong. I was known as the black sheep of the family. Suffered with depression, anxiety, ocd, and ptsd most of my life. My daughter who is 18 was referred for an autism assessment and diagnosed with autism and adhd. During her assessment a lot of what was said hit home. I could relate to all of what the pyshchiatrist was saying. I did some research and spoke to the gp who agreed that he thought I was probably autisitc. I was later diagnosed as autistic and having adhd. My younger daughter is also waiting for assessment.

The problem is I feel so angry. I know it wasn't recognised in girls when i was younger but i feel so angry about the life I could have had if I knew I wasn't "weird or too quiet". I have a broken marriage, walked out on careers and can no longer work, been a victim of a sexual assault, have no friends, no longer speak to family, the list is endless. I have spent years trying to fit in and I am tired of it. The worst are the meltdowns. When things get tough I just shout, scream then retreat to bed. To make matters worse I am now dealing with the menopause.

Not only am I trying to deal with the "new" me, I am trying to help my daughters who both have their own needs.

I am so tired. I feel so so sad at a wasted life. I had so much potential and just wanted to help people but always ran when life got hard. I was always told i needed to make and effort, i needed to get out of my comfort zone, be more like my siblings etc.

Normal people aren't going to change, I feel too old for it to matter.

I wish I had never had the diagnosis as its made my depression so much worse.

Anyone else relate?

Thank you.

Nightcity

I can relate yes, I turn 42 Friday.

I only put on Facebook recently how I feel I've achieved nothing and how sick of life I am.

Nothing seems to go right and I genuinely feel at times I'm cursed

I have no friends either, only online (but that's choice due to years of being used and abused). I don't have children and I disowned my siblings who only used me as a human bank loan.

I'm tired all the time physically, emotionally and mentally .

I still have meltdowns at times and end up breaking something by accident like a cupboard by hitting it.

But I am glad I'm not classed as a "normal" person because from my experience Many are absolutely horrible and the disabled community in general are much nicer.

StodgySquare

Hey @haras321, yeah I definitely relate and it's so exhausting believing that you're the problem or a burden constantly. ❤

You're struggling and I feel your frustration and possible guilt with your past actions and life in general but you're trying your absolute best, especially for your daughters.

I'd wish people aren't classified as "normal" because you are normal.

I'm so sorry you've been abused, that's so much trauma to heal from, however that wasn't your fault. ❤

I struggle also with my emotions and find myself shutting everyone out and literally removing myself.

You're supporting your family despite your suffering but now it's absolutely time to support yourself ( not implying your family's not supportive.) ❤

It's completely okay to feel rage or grief for your life so far and even worse after your diagnoses ( I felt the same.)

Have you considered or tried receiving professional help? That might be a good place to start.

You definitely deserve friendships and do you think maybe a club or other social activities to engage in could help?

Hope I'm not coming across as condescending, I guess I'm brainstorming ideas.

My suggestions may be to overwhelming right now and not the right choice for you and that's totally fine. You do what's best for you, I'm not expecting you to immediately turn your life around

Please remember

you're completely normal

People care and love you for who you are

Even if you don't believe it

I really wish you the best @haras321, you deserve it. ❤

Great care-

@StodgySquare

Catherine21

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/123064/feeling-lost

I could of wrote this myself 52 also menopause waiting adhd test 100 percent know I'm autistic same failed marriages never holding job down nightmare of a life and now with budget 30th October all to much I totally understand what your going through so so so hard draining scary

Pinkity

Hi to everyone in this thread. I hope you all find this helpful.

I can also relate. I'm 53 and was diagnosed at 50. I struggled socially in school and all through my life. When I was diagnosed, I felt angry too. I had all the thoughts about "if only I had been diagnosed when I was younger" too, sad at all my failed relationships and everything. Three years on, I'm much happier. I made an active decision not to dwell on what could have been, and what had been, but to focus on what could be. I stopped hiding who I was, I began asking for help, and the hobbies that sustained me when I was struggling back then, will hopefully become a way for me to earn a living in the future. I have made the choice to remain single and I am happy with that. I've also gone public with my autistic fixation with dolls (which is apparently quite common with autistic girls and women) instead of being embarrassed about it and I have been pleasantly surprised at the reactions of family and friends, who have supported it, rather than disparaged it.

I still have bad days and my particular autistic issues still get in my way, but overall, things have improved for me. I also recommend getting a "Hidden Disabilities" sunflower lanyard to wear in situations you find difficult. I wear mine when going shopping and I think it has really made a difference in the way people interact with me when I'm out.

Processing a diagnosis takes time. Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be you, autism and all. Own it. Own your quirks and your foibles and your weird interests (if you have any). Chill in your comfort zone. Stuff what anyone else thinks. You've done your time as an NT and it didn't work for you, so now just be you. I wish you all peace and happiness for the future xx

Nightcity

I was diagnosed fairly late with autism as well in 2016 at age 36.

So many wrong diagnosis between 1988 and 2016 and meds That didn't do anything.and I didn't need.

Love to you all

Catherine21

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/914449#Comment_914449

That's amazing !! Never heard of sunflower I will look that up its true about hiding your ways when I'm alone I will sing all different things mostly made up swing arms around have conversations with people that aren't there full blown conversations even arguments lol I only act like this in front of my daughter she joins in when I'm facing difficulties I always say what would Anthony say in my head and he answers don't know why he's called Anthony had this since a child and also counting number plates I say for example am I going to get into trouble if the numbers 5 it means yes because always start with yes for years I've done this and oh yes at one point I thought I could read peoples mind I'm so glad you embraced you x

ElizaRose

This made me feel so emotional as I recognise everything everyone has said. At 57 I am now trying to work through my whole wasted life with a trauma counselor to try and make sense of it all.

I was the black sheep in my family and constantly scapegoated. I learnt very early on that I had to come over a certain way and be quiet and agreeable to have any chance of being safe. This continued at school where I was constantly bullied and never had any real friends but you were just expected to be like everyone else and "fit in".

My eldest son was finally diagnosed with autism when he was about nine and when he was old enough to put into words what would happen at school and how he felt , it was pretty much identical to my experiences. The only difference was that he would hit out and I would internalise everything as I am incredibly introverted and wouldn't have dared cause a fuss. I have not been formally diagnosed with autism, but I know that is what it is. I have been diagnosed with quite severe M.E/ CFS which I am sure comes from all the years of trying to fit in, be safe and then the horrendous battles with the system for my son. I also have crippling agoraphobia and c-ptsd and am terrified of everone and everything. My whole body is now skewed and in constant fight or flight mode. I also feel incredibly angry but am just too exhausted to acknowledge it.

My Dad was incredibly controlling of all of us including my Mum which has led to me accepting very controlling men in my life, the last one of which was the worst. I escaped from him a couple of years ago with the help of Women's Aid and don't think I will ever trust myself to find anyone else. It's easier to stay alone.

When I was at school I was considered a gifted artist and spent some of my life as a dancer. Now I can hardly move, think or do anything. Some days I just have to stay in bed. Throughout my life I have been given many potential opportunities, but let them all fall by the wayside because of the fear of not fitting in, self loathing, perfectionism and imposter syndrome. Now I just try and avoid everyone because I know I come over as strange and weird and just haven't got the energy to put the "normal" act on anymore. It makes me angry because all I needed, and probably any of us needed was a little acceptance and emotional support and things could maybe have turned out differently. It would have been good to have an autism diagnosis then too to help me understand why I felt like I had been dropped into a parallel universe that didn't make any sense!

Catherine21

I understand draining isn't it glad you got away from a toxic relationship as painful as it is good your getting counselling very painful and alot to unpack I get the perfection part of this that's why I ended up with body dismorphia and they say bpd but sure it's adhd autism talking about this with people who understand is freeing hard to put down the mask as being doing for all our lives well done for taking the first step totally understand that anger and loss feelings especially autism makes sense people drain me I cant spend to much time around people always love being on my own I think there is thousands of us in our 50s relized we have adhd not just bpd depression anxiety or are over sensitive lazy you name it I wish you all the best in your next chapter in your life called focusing on you x

ElizaRose

Thank you Catherine21. It does help to know there are people out there who understand. Like you, I have been called over-sensitive, difficult, highly strung, depressed my whole life. Whenever I went to the doctors about anything they would try and shove me on more antidepressants when I knew that wasn't what the "problem" was. I also understand the body dismorphia thing which came from my total self loathing for not "fitting in" which people seemed to think was deliberate. I am trying to focus on me a bit more now (as well as my boys) but the constant guilt which came from my childhood doesn't help with that. When you've been taught you are a nobody and are just there for everyone else's benefit, or to be used as a convenient scapegoat for 50 odd years, it's difficult to change. I do hope you can find some peace in your life. Best wishes x

Catherine21

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/914511#Comment_914511

I was always a people pleaser so called friends would call id jump do everything look after thier kids shopping money the lot I was always constantly drained and had to go home sleep for a week literally so intuned with people's pain always wanting to pls and take thier pain away whilst neglecting my needs I started therapy 2017 twice a week for 18 months Tuesday group Thursday one to one with psychoanalysis I think that's what she was I started realising boundaries saying no and meaning it without the worry of offending or people leaving me it was freeing obviously not for the people using me I understand the childhood part I'm an only child parents alcoholics I was always the brunt of the jokes I also had pmdd with was hell that's another story I have guilt of my daughters childhood and I'm really blessed she wants a relationship with me but moving forward with therapy I have boundaries for myself I'm a loner I really not interested in friendships I go with what ever is comfortable for me we never stop learning even of it is really painful we have to go through being extremely uncomfortable painful amd that sucks as I don't know about you years of masking is hard to break down in front of anyone I've always done my make up hair presented myself as what I thought or think was acceptable took me years and I still find it hard to take off literally we are none of those things we been made to believe we are kind caring sensitive to the people around us great listener's good a problem solving you made the steps to find yourself and what will make you comfortable in this world and I wish you all the best your definitely not alone and you can find some peace with guidance tell yourself through this journey that you will as kind to yourself as possible x

ElizaRose

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/914526#Comment_914526

I think that is why I have become even more introverted than usual, because I know I can't break the masking just like that, but it's just too exhausting so it's easier to stay away from people so I don't have to worry about it. As soon as I am with someone else, I am on high alert and have to worry/ look out for them and put myself to the bottom of the list again as that is what I was trained to do my whole life. Maybe one day it will become easier. Hopefully, with practice. You sound like a highly sensitive person like me and society just isn't made for people like us x

Catherine21

That's spot on I never have people at ny house and if someone was coming I wouldn't relax all day obsessing trying to make everything perfect I only look in one hand held mirror and when I look in it I'm like hell no way can anyone see me like this so cancel so nobody asks anymore your so right high alert it's so true after being around people for any amount of time I have to retreat the thing I don't do as much is give myself a hard time but all this talk going back to work has unsettled me like many of us well thousands I have to say thats for another day so today I'm with my two dogs and my daughters dog going to watch below deck or 90 day fiance and try not to think so much me think that parts impossible

Catherine21

It does get easier at the moment that probley feels impossible a life time of jumping how high isn't easy to break but it can be done I've literally cut alot of dead wood out of my life at first it wasn't easy id get panicky id convince myself it wasn't them it was my quirky ways but deep down I knew they seen me as a soft touch and I'd get so angry god the rage could move mountains and now looking back I seen they missed me more than I did them and you don't have them in your head disturbing your peace have enough thoughts as it is I don't have any drama I don't have people who trigger me I don't feel lonely i respect my peace the most important people in our life's is us we have to push ourselves extra harder than the next person honestly it does get easier take whatever support you can I do body dismorphia groups 2 a month through ocd action group loads of groups out there and obviously scope very kind understanding patient sorry to go on just letting you know there is hope

ElizaRose

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/914573#Comment_914573

I know, as if we haven't got enough on our plate as it is, without all this cruel stuff from the government. They haven't got a clue. I am really terrified about what they might do as I truly cannot go back to work right now, I would if I could, but I can't. That then feeds into all the guilt and self loathing again, but at least I know that is what I am doing now. I have been trying not to let myself look at the news too much. At the moment I usually struggle to get through each hour, let alone each day. That's good you have dogs. I live with my youngest son and he's hoping to get a dog after he's learnt to drive and got a better job. It has been lovely to talk to you, someone who understands. I am quite exhausted again now so have to lie down, but you have made me feel a bit more lifted. Thank you. I hope you have a good evening x

Catherine21

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/914589#Comment_914589

You too ! Don't worry it would take years and alot of charities are on our side have a restful weekend x