Anxiety and depression

Well where do I start? I have suffered with my mental health and anxiety since I was a kid really. I struggled through school and early jobs were a nightmare. I'm 45 years old now and only started medication in 2016. I have had trauma of different things to deal with which I thought I'd done by myself. I used to work with anxiety and depression come home and go straight to bed something that I got used to. I spent my days off sleeping so never had much of a life. In 2020 before the pandemic I turned 40 years old and freaked out a bit. I left my job and have been on WCA benefits ever since. The reason I freaked out really was simply because I realized that I'd lived a life just surviving. I've never been on any trips away I haven't got a family of my own no kids or coming close to any relationships. Iv always had trouble with self esteem and self worth. My mum said the other day that she was proud of me. Why? What is there to be proud of. I'm just a being surviving and not living. Proud….I feel useless a burden on society and hate the fact that I'm on benefits. On the other hand I'm petrified about the new changes that are to be announced at the end of the month. Where it will leave me I do not no. Many people will feel the same Im sure. I have had therapy with first step but was told I needed a trauma therapist and someone who I could talk to about my life. Unfortunately first step didn't have such a therapist. I'm talking with my doctor tomorrow and by the way it's a phone call consultation, not exactly a comfortable appointment for me. But wish me well. I just don't know what will happen in the future and I don't see any light in this tunnel.