Dating with a physical disability and health conditions

ZL1993

Hi everyone, I'm 29 and since I was 15 I've had a right sided weakness from a stroke during brain surgery for a pituitary tumour. I can walk but struggle any great distance and uneven ground/ stairs etc. I struggle to believe that a guy would accept me as I am because of the fact I can't do activities that rely on walking around for long. So many online dating profiles i see, men are asking for someone fit and can go walking adventures with. 
I also can't have children because of the tumour affecting my hormones. So I am always thinking I'm no good for them because I can't give them a child. 
I am always saying to myself that I have so many positive things that someone would like about me. I've got a degree, i work, I rent my own place, I drive, I'm kind and can cook a good meal lol 😆 so why wouldn't they be interested? I don't know if I'm self sabotaging myself or if guys are really only interested in someone able to do everything they can do.
Is anyone else in the same boat or understands what I mean? 
Thank you for reading x

Leo_Aces

Hey @ZL1993, thanks for sharing.

I definitely know what you mean. Online dating can definitely feel a bit like people are set in their minds with the things they are looking for, which is a bit draining.

 You are absolutely right, you’ve highlighted great qualities here. May I ask whether you would add these things to an online dating profile?

Also I would say, don’t forget that very often people can write things on their profiles, like “I love long walks” and “I’m always outside “ but to be honest, in reality it might translate to “occasionally I take the dog on a long walk” and “I go camping about twice a year “!

ZL1993

@Leo_Aces thanks so much for your reply! I have put my good qualities into a dating profile but would rather not say about my walking or health until I'm talking to someone. 

I get what you mean about what guys say in their profiles. It still worries me that it's a big deal for them when they specifically say it. 

rebel11

Hi ZL

Your description in your second paragraph is more then enough, don't concentrate on the things you find difficult, just concentrate on the things you can do better.

There is no such thing as a perfect human being, just human beings who want to be perfect, unfortunately none are or ever will be. That's being human.

Remember you are 'amazing'.

Cher_Alumni

Hello @ZL1993 How are you doing today?

Thanks for sharing your story with us. You've received some fab advice, please do remember your own worth and remember what you see on dating profiles is an exaggerated version of the ideals people want to project! 

I just wanted to pick up on what you said about:

I also can't have children because of the tumour affecting my hormones. So I am always thinking I'm no good for them because I can't give them a child. 

This feeling of 'not being good enough' due to infertility is something I can relate to having unfortunately been there in the past. I wondered if you'd considered talking therapy to work through these troubling thoughts with someone you don't know, who you can be completely open and honest with? Although it's not for everyone, I'd encourage you to explore the option and maybe a self-referral to your local Improving Access to Psychological Therapies team online. 

Wishing you the very best in the dating world  Keep us posted on how you get on.

Alex_Alumni

Hello @ZL1993 just to add my two pennies to the discussion, I can certainly relate to this: 

So many online dating profiles i see, men are asking for someone fit and can go walking adventures with. 

When I was online dating a few years ago this was common too, and as a wheelchair user, with some limited mobility, I was a bit worried about how I'd be perceived at first. 

Firstly, you sound lovely, and you know your positive qualities! Sometimes people aren't even aware of what they bring to the table, so keep that thinking front and centre.

One thing to remember is that there are plenty of people out there who prefer more 'sedentary activities', like reading, or gaming for example. Both of those can be quite adventurous if you think about it    

Equally, even if someone is quite active and outdoorsy, there's always the idea that 'opposites attract'. In any relationship you will need time and space for yourself, that's healthy. 

Everyone has things things they enjoy, and things they are less keen on. If these don't always align with a partner that's okay. If being active or enjoying walks is a big deal for someone, then you can decide whether or not it's worth pursuing. It can be hard, but try not to feel guilty, they'll be okay. What's important is that you feel comfortable spending time with them.

My advice is to keep searching as long as it feels right for you, and let us know how you get on. I hope we can help support you   

ZL1993

@Alex_Scope thank you so much for that. I never thought of it that way. That has helped a lot. 

janer1967

Hi 

When I was 50 I became separated from my husband left a single mum and 6 months later became physically disabled an amputee 

I thought I would never find or want a relationship but I plucked up courage and started online dating 

Lots of men were accepting of my disability and I met a few face to face . It took a while I must admit and a lot of fake people but I did meet my match and we are now engaged after 3 years 

If an old bird like me can do it there is hope for you 

Also remember not all men want children 

Good luck 

L_Volunteer

One bonus of people's responses is that it often helps us to think of things differently @ZL1993. Please don't hesitate to let us know if we can do anything else to support you 

louise321

 wow so many people in similar situations to me, I no longer feel alone with the decision I have made in deciding to stay single as feel no one will be able to cope with my disability. But is that just an easy way out? But one thing I do think of is I don’t want to be alone forever & sometimes feel I’d like to share my life with someone who understands me. But it isn’t that easy is it to find someone that ticks all the boxes so it’s easier to stay single. 

Dee78

So great to hear from you ZL1997. You seem like a fab person, and so many good qualities! Just to say I understand your worries, as I've been in the same boat. I used to love long hikes, and energetic mountain climbs. I can't do it any more, but instead will spend the whole day out in the open air very happy with my sketchbook, but maybe only cover an 'hour's worth of walk for a more able person! I spent my 30's adjusting to this very new reality with not much head space for dating, and similar feelings of thinking I would be holding others back or I couldn't call myself an outdoorsy type if I couldn't scale Everest !(-:. But now a little older, ( and probably too old for kids) I'm thinking the right person will just accept me for I am,  and am ready to maybe be brave and perhaps, just perhaps explore dating again....

dylan89

@ZL1993 no one should judge you cause of your physical health or disability or if you can’t have kids the person you end in a relationship with should accept you and your disability and how it affects you I’ve been single for 8 years cause most people can’t accept me for who I am and my learning disability 

Kalps

Hi. I really like what you wrote and your own instilled confidence and self sufficiency. I too can't walk long distances due to multiple lumbar compression fractures so I am no different, you can't tell externally. I would like to get to know you though. Some tips of raising esteem/confidence I would most welcome. 😊😊

Sunman81

My ex wife had similar problem with her pituitary tumour so could not have Children. That never bothered me as I have a son from a previous marriage but also because if you truly love someone then nothing else matters apart from that special someone. You will if you have not already find someone as your still young. I have chronic health issues but I'm older than you and believe me I have had the same worries about being single and on my own. We all deserve a loving relationship and to feel love and cherished it's just so much harder it seems with health issues.

Stickman

I really wish I had a girlfriend. The last girlfriend I had was over 20 years ago! We'd met at school and were together for 10 years.

Wheeled_Weapon

I think a huge part is our own mentality. I'm definitely not good-looking, and in a wheelchair 🤣 (but great arms 🤣🤣) which should be woman-repellant but I never have a problem.

I'm very outgoing, inappropriately funny (been told multiple times I have the 'gift of the gab') and just get myself out there.

I'm NOT accusing everyone of this, but if your mentality is "I'm disabled, nobody will fancy me" then that's not going to work in your favour.

Remember, you're just as valid as anyone else, and confidence is key.

pooleemily29

@Wheeled_Weapon I'll be honest and say I am struggling while I know your right in what your saying about confidence I just haven't got it at the moment and I dont know why. Maybe its because im nervous I dont know. I do want a boyfriend believe me I dk that's got the same thing as me CP but I just get the courage or confidence to sign up to this other online community. @pooleemily29

Wheeled_Weapon

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1039304#Comment_1039304

I hope my comment doesn't upset anyone, it's just my personal experience.

My confidence took a massive knock after I became a wheelchair user (plus escaping from an abusive relationship), so it took me a bit of work to get it back.

I went by the mentality of 'fake it 'til you make it', as in I behaved like I still had the confidence I used to have. Well, it works! At least for me. By acting confident I became confident again.

pooleemily29

@Wheeled_Weapon That makes complete sense

Roughyed1485

Sadly due to my Mental Health it cost me my marriage in 2023 which had led to me being a very closed, private and reclusive person. After my wife chose to end our marriage and one month shy ten year relationship, I put a huge line in the sand and said no more. I’ve only had two serious relationships in my life and both led to marriage but they both did untold damage to my mental health. The only contact I now is either with my GP, Mental Health Team or talking openly on here. I know personally now my heart is made of Scottish Granite and Millstone Grit, I don’t have any trust in people, I wouldn’t want to open myself up to more harm from another relationship as I couldn’t cope with another heartbreak. I’ve come to find since 2023 that people are quick to judgemental and very opinionated. I have become a recluse and only leave my flat to put the rubbish out. I have become at almost 42, a cranky old man, Victor Meldrew 30 years younger! I no longer have social media accounts, I don’t have contact with my family and have cut off all contact with friends, I’ve decided to just plough my own path over however many years I have left.

I wish everyone with both mental and physical disabilities all the best finding that special someone who will make your life enjoyable and full of adventures and discoveries.

pooleemily29

@ZL1993 hi I'm Emily and im 30 I suffer with Cerebral Palsy and I know ive commented on this post already from @Wheeled_Weapon but im really struggling with actually finding a boyfriend like me that's my age and that knows whst its like to go through CP (any kind) not just HCP (Hemiplegic Cerebral Palsy) like @Wheeled_Weapon said i could fake my confidence but when in truth how could I? Im a lying type of person. I want to try s different online community called Ablehere.com but the thing is i just have got the confidence to sign up. I want yo spend the rest of my life on my own that would kill me. I want someone to share my experiences with and cuddle up with on the sofa and watch movies with (not horrors though dont like them) id luke someone who knows how to treat a woman well. But finding them is like finding a needle in a haystack these days isn't it?. That's my opinion on it anyway. @pooleemily29