Partner is my Carer

CookieM95

Hi everyone, firstly thanks for even starting to read this. I am hoping to just pour everything out and see if anyone else can help me make sense of this. 

I have recently loved to Lancashire to live with my partner. He has taken on the role of my carer and I am resentful of it. I wish I could do things for myself, some days are better than others when I feel more able to. I suffer from severe mental health issues, mobility issues, and a complete lack of motivation to get out of bed most days. The last two days have been really bad with my mobility and even getting to the bathroom is difficult. We live in a 2-story house with the bedroom and bathroom upstairs and the living room/kitchen and garden on the lower level. I feel like I am not really living life but just existing and I am sick of it. He has spent the last 2 days cleaning the downstairs and sorting out bits around the house and I am just stuck in bed feeling like a complete and utter failure as a partner. I have applied for a social care needs assessment, but I have been told that can take up to a month just for the assessment. I have recently been accepted by the local mental health team. I just feel so completely and utterly alone. 

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. We are drowning in money issues, and relationship issues and I am miserable. I am 28 on 10/02 and for the first time, I have asked him if can we not celebrate it, I don't want to do anything about it. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore or what I bring to this relationship. I was raised that love is not enough to make a relationship work and I agree with that but is it really supposed to be this hard? 

Anyway thanks for reading

Leo_Aces

Hello @CookieM95, Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you and your partner are struggling at the moment. It can be tough to need to relay on a partner for care and it is common for this to put stress on relationships.  

That's good to read that you have applied for a care assessment. If you need a little advice in preparation for this, check out the Preparing For Care Assessment page 

 https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/preparing-for-carers-assessment/

I hope that you receive some helpful support from the mental health team. Remember it’s ok not to feel ok. 

Sometimes when people are struggling in relationships due to external factors such as money or trying circumstances, it can be helpful to try to put a little time aside to have some quality time together. This could be as simple as watching a favourite film together once a week. 

Jean Eveleigh

Hi @CookieM95, pleased to meet you.

I can completely understand where you are coming from (except the house bit, my property is all 1 level) as I have the same issued with feeling resentful and inadequate in my relationship and what I am bringing to it.

I try to do as much as I can when I can and as @Leo_Aces said make sure to set aside time to do things together even if that is just watching a movie or playing a board game in bed.

You need to try to unpack why you feel resentful of your partner for being your carer - who's decision was this or is it just circumstances.

Are you hoping that the result of your social care assessment will be to give you a carer to come into the home and if so what do you want them to do for you? 

Are you going to ask them about the instillation of a stairlift to help you get up and down a but more independently.

What other equipment do you think you may need to help you regain some independence.

Unfortunately the wheels do move slowly but being as prepared as possible before any meeting and ensuring you record them so you don't miss anything can help you feel more in control.

I hope this is helpful, all the best xx

JustPete

@CookieM95 I have come to this conversation very late; my apologies.
The advice from @Leo_Aces & @Jean Eveleigh is spot on and I can't really add to what they have said.

I guess I just wanted to show solidarity and say that having a partner as a carer is so hard.  In my case I would never do it again because of the stresses and issues it places on EVERYTHING in your lives.

For what it is worth, I agree with @Jean Eveleigh in suggesting there are a lot of issues that need unpacking from your post; it might be that doing this might help relieve some of the frustrations you feel.

I hope you are in a better place now; it would be good to hear how you are getting on.

CookieM95

Hi @JustPete, @Jean Eveleigh and @Leo_Aces

Just wanted to come back to this to do an update and answer some questions, things between my partner and I have reached a head. I have moved out of the property we were living in and into a one-bedroom bungalow. We are trying to make the relationship work, but it's not without its issues. Issues that are linked to my disability and neurodiversity as well as our relationship as a whole. 

I think I am over the relationship, to be honest, but it's hard unlearning something that is familiar. I had my care assessment and had carers in for a while but now my social worker has closed my case saying I don't need it anymore since the house move. I am trying to be as independent as possible, but it's hard. My desire for independence is a problem for my partner, he wants us to do everything together but I am left feeling frustrated and smothered. I want a life, I want a social network with "real" people, not people online. I want freedom. 

@Jean Eveleigh Since moving into the bungalow, I have got various aids to assist with my independent living, I now have a toilet seat raiser, my couch has been raised, and I have a perching stool in the kitchen. I now have a walking stick and a mobility scooter. It is hard going outside as I feel people staring at me when I use my scooter due to my age and weight. I know that is most likely in my head, but it still causes a lot of anxiety. 

@JustPete as for how I am getting on now; I guess that answer changes day to day. At the moment I am feeling motivated to do better, to be better, to achieve more and not let my disabilities define me. I start my second year at Manchester Met University in September so I am giving myself the summer holidays to get a grip and sort my life out. A big task and whilst I have the mental health space, and energy to do it I want to see what I can achieve! 

Will pop back on to update everyone!

JustPete

Well @CookieM95 it seems like you are making huge progress.  I live by the mantra 'to try to be the version of myself as possible'.  I looks like you are doing just that.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Emeraldgem

Hi @CookieM95 I completely get your situation as my husband is also my full time career. Please don’t feel alone at all I’m here for you too talk when you need. 

I also suffer from really bad mental health and again the same with being in bed for the last few days as I haven’t had the energy or motivation to get up. I have all the same feelings and thoughts as you do about being a complete burden to ,y husband as he can’t go out and leave me alone due to the risk of self harm / suicidal tendencies I feel like I have taken his life away from him. When I got diagnosed I gave him the opportunity to leave and have a better life but instead he chose to stay and marry me. Please don’t suffer in silence I’m here for you as I completely understand how you feel x