How do I end my relationship?

CookieM95

Hey everyone, this is a long one so settle down, get comfortable and have a read.. if you want.

I have been off and on with my partner for the last 5 years, everyone around me asks why I have let it carry on for this long, I guess people ask him the same thing. It is toxic on both sides, I can not put all the blame on him as much as I wish to. Our communication sucks. I am working with the mental health team to figure out what it is that I want, what it is that is best for me, long-term, short time and everything in between. 

I think I am scared of being alone, of actually having to be independent and of actually finding myself. I have lost a LOT to keep this relationship going- not limited to but including friends, family, my original university placement and so much more.  Every time we break up I crumble and go backwards, I need to move forwards and find ME.. but that is scary and terrifying. I know that I can NOT keep doing the same song and dance that I have been doing. I want freedom, I want a life, I want excitement.

I want to be able to communicate effectively with him but when I do try, the words get lost in translation so I have reached a point where it's easier to say nothing. I live with constant pain due to my disabilities, Bipolar and EUPD which makes managing my emotions difficult at the best of times. Inside I feel like screaming but no sound will come, I am sick of it. I love him, I truly do. But maybe it's time to love me more.

I don't really know what the point of this long post is, but maybe just to help me get it out of my head and somewhere safe, a chance to unwind and attempt to process everything that is going through my head and heart. I don't know if it's my neurodiversity that is affecting my ability to make a decision and stick to it, my fear of abandonment, attachment issues or what the hell is doing on. But I know I can not keep living like this, something has to give and I don't want it to be any more of myself... whoever she may be

Superbetty

Hi @CookieM95, as you can inmagine it is hard to give relationship advice, but I am guessing you just need to talk about it, and I am happy you talk to us:-)I am kind of radical person with relationship, I think if something does not work, then you should end it, but that is me. I am talking from my experience.But I know it is not easy. I like what you said, that you cannot keep doing the same song and dance, this is so true. If you want a change, you need to dance in a different way. My frien was i a long relationship with a guy, had child together, she loved him like crazy, she told her mum if he would die, she would go to coffin with him at funeral. But he was not good for her at all, and we were always wondering why she is with him. After years of being unhappy, she finally made a decision, left him, and came back to her country, found a new job. Such a big step. I am sooo proud of her.I don't want to tell you you should break up with him, but just have a think, does this relationship makes you happy? Breaking up is never easy, don't expect it to be, but it can lead to something really good:-)I am telling you again from my experience:-)
Please talk to us whenever you want to, from what you said it looks like you have people around you to talk, this is good. I wish you all the best:-)