Hello please help.

JustJem

Hello, I did not know what category to put this post in so apologies.

I've asked questions about this before, but I need to express again how I'm feeling if that's okay.

I have autism and borderline personality disorder, PTSD, anxiety and depression which greatly affect my everyday life.

I'm currently claiming ESA and PIP in which I'm grateful for.. however I'm feeling guilty for being on benefits because people are working, being successful, etc.. and I'm just stuck.

I've only tried working two paid jobs with permitted work and only lasted one month in one and two months in the other..  I've done voluntary work in the past.. but I'm really struggling to be able to sustain even voluntary work.

I am feeling like a complete and utter failure, and with autism my brain overthinks every little thing.. wish that I was "normal" and did not feel like a burden on society...

I'm really feeling so guilty for even existing.... and don't know what to do... I am scared to do anything just in case I fail, I've tried paid work and i know I'm not ready for that... volunteering in charity shops.. its just not for me.... I really am considering just running away at this point.

Please if someone is in a similar situation or has been.. I won't feel so alone.

Sorry for the long post.
Thank you.
😞

bg844

First of all, you was awarded ESA and PIP because as you have said 'they greatly affect my everyday life'. Disability benefits are not 'easy' benefits to be awarded, I'm sure many people feel the same as you around the old quote 'contributing to society' but if you are unable to, that is still okay.

Secondly, you should be proud of trying to work/volunteer. Some people refuse to because they think it will 'mess up their benefits' but if you see my other posts, I am always encouraging people to take up work more for the benefit of their Mental Health and even if they don't succeed the first time around then there's always another time whether or not that takes a while. 

I know it's hard but try not to stress about it, we've all had a bit of a breakdown from time to time.

All the best

DayDreamBeliever

I'm sorry you're feeling this way! 
Please don't be drawn in to the idea that success is only measured by your ability to participate in a capitalist system. There are people with successful careers yes but a career is not the only measure of success. Just because you can't work in the traditional sense doesn't make you a failure. 

I understand that desire to do something though and bring a bit of meaning  and structure to your days. You mentioned volunteering at charity shops but have you tried other types of volunteering? Maybe volunteering you can do from home online?

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Maybe you could learn a new skill or see if there are any free classes near you? That might help you feel a sense of purpose and give you something to look forward to each week

Hannah_Alumni

@justjem It is amazing that you have tried to work and volunteer whilst struggling yourself. Please don't feel guilty you are on benefits! Can I ask, do you have family and friends around to support you?

Maybe with everything going on, you may not realise how you can help them! When I was sick, my brother was working 40 hours+ a week. I remember feeling the same you did. But I had more time where he did not. I was able to sort things for him, he couldn't. Sending off cards through online retailers for people's birthdays. Arranging gifts. I sorted and wrapped Christmas gifts for all the family from him because he was working. 

There are many things you can do and many skills you have. We sometimes just have to think outside the box

2oldcodgers

bg844 said:

First of all, you was awarded ESA and PIP because as you have said 'they greatly affect my everyday life'. Disability benefits are not 'easy' benefits to be awarded, I'm sure many people feel the same as you around the old quote 'contributing to society' but if you are unable to, that is still okay.

Secondly, you should be proud of trying to work/volunteer. Some people refuse to because they think it will 'mess up their benefits' but if you see my other posts, I am always encouraging people to take up work more for the benefit of their Mental Health and even if they don't succeed the first time around then there's always another time whether or not that takes a while. 

I know it's hard but try not to stress about it, we've all had a bit of a breakdown from time to time.

All the best

There are thousands of voluntary jobs in almost every walk of life.
As an example.
I am (was now retired) a professional person with a successful career behind me. Back in  the mid 90's I had a complete breakdown and spent quite a lot of time both in a secure psychiatric hospital as well as my days being cared for in the local mental health day clinic.
Eventually I wanted/needed to get back into working. I could not face at the time going back to my old job. I asked myself what do I love doing/where am I happiest/what experience do I have.
I went back into the farming industry. Did that full time for 2 years.
I was then able to rejoin society and pick up where I had left off.