Should I stay or should I go?

rfk1974

My relationship story is a complicated one, going back over the last 17 years but basically there has been verbal domestic violence for the last 15 years.

My partner lived with from years 3 to 13 but then my family intervened and got him forcibly thrown out of my house. I didn’t want him to go but was overruled by my family as they hate him. I wanted to continue seeing him but he became really angry and nasty towards me because I “let” my family throw him out. 

We didn’t communicate or see each other for about 2 years but then reconnected (I can’t remember how) about 2 years later, which brings me to now, the present day. He lives in his own house and I still live in the same house. We were getting on really well had having laugh like we did when we first me. 

Then, in early April when I was at his house, I went upstairs to use the bathroom but only got to the 9th step and fell backwards down them, hit my head on a cabinet at the bottom and was unconscious for about 10 minutes. (I had a right-sided stroke 19 years ago). He called an ambulance and I went to hospital to get checked over. I was fine except for bruising and 4 broken ribs, which have now just about healed. 

I’ve now started driving again but my confidence is really low because of the fall. I’ve seen my physio and he told me that I’ve got to pace myself and take it easy. He’s  angry with me because I won’t go to his house because of his steps (4 outside without a handrail and the ones inside that I fell down). He’s started calling me names again like “a fat useless c**t, a fat f**ker and a useless fat b***ard. He’s also said our relationship is a joke and he hates my family.

I don’t know what to do? I’ve been “with him” for such a long time and when he calms down, he’s nice. I worry if I break it off again that I’ll never meet anyone else and die a lonely old woman. My family say I’m being silly. The problem is though that I can’t leave my house unless I’m with someone (because of my balance and falls).
 

I l was forced to take ill-health retirement 4 years ago and I just sit at home, festering! I have been trying to look into re-training in another career but haven’t even got the drive or determination anymore. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what to do. I’m 50 next year and I feel like a complete failure. 

Please can someone help me and guide me in what to do? I can’t get out of the house either as my walking has deteriorated that much. I worry that no-one will want me if I break it off with my partner. He’s been out drinking and just come back to my house and given me a load of verbal abuse then gone and got in my bed!

sorry for such a long message xxx

JessieJ

Hello @JFK1971

I'm no Marje Proops, but I say, jump out of yourself, then read your post through & think what advice you would give to the person.

Personally, I think you're better off without him in your life & your bed. You feel like a complete failure because of the abuse he's thrown at you, every time he has a go, that's a bit more of your confidence taken. Your family obviously threw him out for good reason, to protect you, as they've seen how you're treated. You split up for a couple of years, you survived that.

If your mobility is now so bad, is it worth you thinking of getting a powerchair/scooter, so that you can get out? That way, you can live a better life, be more independent & not sit at home festering. You could meet up with friends & family & little by little get some confidence back. Anyway, that's my two penneth.

Take care of you!

MW123

Hello rfk1974

As your 50th birthday approaches, always remember that age is merely a number, and it doesn't determine your value or potential. Your journey through life has moulded you into an extraordinary individual, equipped with unique strengths and qualities. The way you have triumphed over the challenges posed by your stroke and health difficulties is a testament to your resilience and courage. 

You reconnected with your partner after two years, and initially, things seemed to go well. You enjoyed each other's company, shared laughter, and it felt like a positive experience. However, it became apparent that a mistake was made because, over time, the relationship turned abusive once again. It seems that falling back into your old pattern of life together allowed the negative behaviours to resurface. This is a critical observation you make, and it's essential to recognise the patterns that contribute to the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. Taking this into account can be a starting point in making decisions about how to move forward in a healthier and more positive direction. 

In life, the temptation to revert to old patterns arises, especially when we fear loneliness. Unexpected health changes can disrupt our beliefs, leading us to cling onto familiar patterns as a way to stay connected. However, I've come to realise that, ultimately, we are inherently alone in our individual journeys. Despite having connections with others, we must rely on our own strength and resilience to navigate our new found life. 

Experiencing a fall as you did can be incredibly unnerving and is bound to affect anyone's confidence. It's entirely understandable that you prioritise your safety and comfort when visiting someone's home or going out. Having to take ill health retirement is undoubtedly another significant psychological step for you. 

Take the time to sit down and reflect on what you truly want. Block out external noise and other people's opinions. Focus on yourself. I fully understand how difficult it can be when health places limitations on you, but I have found that with time, you can adjust and discover a life with new focus and purpose, even if it's different from your life before.  I sincerely wish you all the best.

 

Maxim

Relationship breakdowns are hard, and motivation can be swept from under you by life changing circumstances. Persevearance can feel really daunting but it's the only way, try and think of the positives in your life.

CherSaysHello

Hello @rfk

I’m sorry your partner is treating you this way. It’s not acceptable to be  abusive - ever - and his words sound incredibly hurtful and insulting. I’m sure your gut is telling you what the right thing to do in this situation is, and please know you deserve to be truly happy. You are but a young chick in my eyes (a fellow 40 something-er) and who knows the good stuff life has in store for you.

In terms of promoting your independence and getting out to socialise, maybe a needs assessment from your local authority would identify a support worker could help? Give it some thought. There are ways and means and I’m sure we can get our heads together more around that ❤️

Please let us know how you get on. And if you ever feel unsafe or that your welfare is in danger, call 999 asap - you don’t have to live in fear. 

Kimi87

I don't think you are being silly, it is natural to want to be in a relationship and not to be alone. 

However if that relationship is abusive is staying really worth it? 

If a friend came to you with your situation, what would your advice to them be? 

Perhaps you might benefit from speaking to Womens Aid or a local service

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

AndyR55

hello Rfk1974 

            ive sat and read your post and see so much of my relationships in there were as you seem to not get past the emotional abuse i would never recommend anyone be on there own but every now and then we need a time out to remember what is important to us i know how you feel being abused because of weight and illnesses been though it myself i,m about repaired myself because i stepped back and tryed to heal i been on my own now for to long but i,m not running around looking for miss right either ive come to terms with my falls and self esteme i may never find anyone but thats ok because i dont need anybody in my life that makes me happy being the only reason ive  come full circle and what i need is good friends that support me and help me grow in inner strength but i,m always willing to listen and support others as well best thing you can be is the best you you can be for you if you ever need a shoulder thow a message this way 

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @rfk1974

I see our lovely community have come out in support for you. I hope we can be a safe supportive space for you I am aware one of my colleagues has sent you a message. If there is anything more we can do, please don't hesitate to reach out to us at community@scope.org.uk. 

jason2234

you are better off looking for someone who appreciates you