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hyancinth
hyancinth Community member Posts: 78 Empowering
in Mental health and wellbeing
Im posting today it being one of my worst days. 
Ive had so much external stress and mess lately on top of my own broken lego set of a brain I carry everyday. 
After decades of what was thought depression, it got renamed enduring depression, dysthymia, ppd. Then it turned out to be cptsd from the rotten messed up childhood I had, you name it it was there, I dont know how many people never twigged. Id been having counselling for in total a year every decade(a super deep depression would occur for a few years 2 times per decade on average and Id get a counsellor, that was it, thanks)
Ive started emdr which after 1 session I cant get used to. Ive waited nearly a year for it and its awful. Im so hyper I cannot settle and watch the 'pretty light' how they think anyone with hypervigilance can do that?
Learned alot from watching about how the brain forms in childhood so I can try to understand my struggles.
I have no one to talk to about any build ups or bad days, Or the sheer depth of my thoughts.
I have few friends all of whom dont want this shut off, quiet, sad person I am. 
Care so much about things, feel very deeply about others suffering.
Feel disconnected from people, cant be doing with small talk and superficial ****. I wake up in disbelief Im here. Go to sleep glad to get another day over with. I have a skill and things that I can do but I feel its all I am, I am nothing other than them so I focus hard on them. I volunteer but honestly when I look at it Im being used.  I havent work for last 5 yrs due to this episode( though I always found people difficult and I feel stupid and ugly)But most of all I was bullied to near suicide for a year and a half by a gaggle of women and that changed me forever( I wont mention the 3 yrs we were held in suspended animation and my thoughts on that) I cannot be around other women. I fear them and am pretty rude and stand offish. I dont undertand womens passive aggression (female weaponry) Im not that kind of woman which I guess makes me less of a woman. Which I have always felt anyway. 
Im so very sad, Im beating myself up today. I know very well there are worse things I could be than a whinger but my head is permanently in contemplation of x. I feel Im in the wrong place or world. I just dont get what life is about. 
I know that all this stems from never having the right start teamed with brain chemistry(dep, bi polar anxiety run in the blood in my non existent family)
People like me arent for this world, cannot be put into the little box they want me to fit in. Be 'this 'and youll be happy. So what am I supposed to do.


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