(Lack of) relationship & family members passing

66Mustang

Didn’t post this in the relationships section but feel free to move it if you think it is better suited there. Thanks.

As a result of my circumstances, I am not interested in having a relationship. I have never had one and am not sure I ever will either. I wish I could have one but I am not able to. It boils down to all the boring drivel like I am not happy with myself and how can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself etc…

I am worried about what will happen when close family members start to pass away. I am especially worried about when my parents are no longer about. My brother is supportive in his own way but he will most likely have his own life and I would not want to impose upon him.

I am reliant on my family, especially parents, for the majority of my socialising, practical things like going to shops, cooking meals, going out, appointments etc. and also things like dealing with people and companies on the phone.

I am confident that I will be independent by the time my parents are gone, actually I want to be living in my own house before that so they can see me being independent as in their words it would mean they have succeeded and their job is done.

Even if I solved all the reliance issues and it was just the loneliness I am still worried about what life will be like. Will I just be existing like getting up, going to a shop or appointment, coming home and going to sleep?

Is anyone else in the same position?

Not sure what I am expecting just posting my ramblings to see if anyone else can relate, or indeed is already in the position I fear I will be in and can maybe tell me it’s not so bad?

Hannah_Alumni

I'm sorry you are going through so much with these feelings @66Mustang You know where we are if you need us

I think your want and confidence for independence is amazing! When I was very ill and housebound by my health, I started online social groups like with my ancestry research and now meet with people in person. Visit locations where they lived, worked and cemetery's where they are now. It's created new friendships, and put life back into old ones when I realised a primary school friend is in the same ancestry social group. I'm still reliant on my parents but I am getting there. 

I think things like this take time because they take the energy we don't always have. Which can be a day to day thing with physical and mental health. And some days you feel ok but just not up for socialising. 

As for relationships, well... you never know. And that's not me speaking from a "you'll find them when you find them, there is someone for everyone" point of view. I just think relationships can be surprising and I like surprises  

Sandy_123

It is lonely living by your self, a lot of people do. For me altho I live with son, he is never home lately. But I do like time on my own, doing what I want and when and how. I guess you won't know how it is until you try it,  you might prefer it. With support you can maybe get that from out side organisations. It's a good way also for your parents to give you the opportunity and get you through it. 

66Mustang

Thank you for the lovely posts and supportive messages. Will respond to all the points tomorrow in more detail but just wanted to let you know I have read the posts. Going off for tonight now.

66Mustang

Thanks @woodbine really appreciate that.

The issue is even when I am independent I would worry about being alone. Not for any practical reason - I intend to be independent. The reason I worry about not being in a relationship is not because I would intend to depend on the other person for practical help. It is more just the loneliness etc., if that makes sense?

I have this horrible vision of being all alone in the future, where no one knows I exist, I am getting by fine, paying the bills and eating fine etc. but nothing more. Then later on having about 3 people at my funeral.

I was wondering if maybe some people here are in a similar boat r.e. living alone and can tell me it's not that bad?

Steve_in_The_City

I feared the future and dreaded loneliness. I was terribly shy and introverted but knew how to cover it up. I still cover it up, even though I seem confident. All of my friends have either relocated or "gone abroad" (popped their clogs). My partner of 47 years died in 2019, then in 2022 I moved to a new estate, where I had to get the "feel" of things. My partner did everything: dealt with problems, workmen, the council and officialdom. Importantly, he broke the ice with others. I was ill prepared to do any of these things, but I had to and found inner strengths I didn't even know I had. Acquaintances were amazed at how well I coped. As for being lonely, that was the big hurdle I had to surmount as I did not like being by myself or doing things alone. But I had to. I adapted to my new circumstances and frankly I haven't looked back. I enjoy being by myself. I feel free. I enjoy my life within the limitations imposed upon me by disability, although I have been working on that and intend to do more with my life. I like not being accountable to other people, or having to conform to what others expect of me. I come and go as I please and I like it that way. I really wouldn't want to get in to any sort of relationship. The future can seem frightening, lonely, unmanageable and grim. But once you find yourself in the future that you feared, you may not find it so bad. One thing I don't do any more is worry. There is an old saying: Expect the worst, hope for the best and take what comes. So if I were you I wouldn't worry too much about the future, or of loneliness. I am sure you will cope better than you imagine.

OverlyAnxious

66Mustang said:

I was wondering if maybe some people here are in a similar boat r.e. living alone and can tell me it's not that bad?

Maybe they're all out enjoying life, instead of wasting time on the internet! 

I think this does come from making a few more friends though.  Not easy as we get older.  And even less so for those of us with social difficulties.  But if you go to local car shows you're sure to find some like minded people.  And perhaps get into gardening and join a gardening club, or a walking club, or volunteer for local litter picking and hedge cutting groups.  And who knows who else you might meet through the internet between now and then? 

onebigvoice

@66mustang.  Never fear Scope is here.......
  Listen the fact that you are able to talk about is great as you will see here there are many in the same boat.  When you say lonely there are different types.  You can be lonely and you could be in a crowed room of family and feel lost.
  This is where I was the silent suffering where every time youy mention that you are in agony you get scoren or made to feel as though you wished you had said nothing.
  But you learn to adjust.  Don't get me wrong every one is different and I am not saying you are the same as mee.  But my starting point was to look to see what I wanted and where I wanted to be, the rest once they realised that I was not dependent on others all the time suddenly found everyone was around.  Its not a quick fix but with what you want you get.  You are stronger than you think.  

JessieJ

Many years ago, I was just moving out of my parental home when I had my accident. Ended up that didn't/couldn't happen. So I had always lived with my parents since. Dad passed years ago, mum 3 yrs ago. So that forced me to live alone. It was a shock to the system & so difficult, but I had to get on & accept it. Now, I really couldn't live with anyone. I moved to a totally different place & have no friends here. I lost all self esteem & confidence after my accident & withdrew from, well, my life really. Still don't have any esteem or confidence so won't be going anywhere to make friends. I do have family around, one, my nephew, I see every week, as he makes time for me, helps me out if needed & he's also encouraged me to go on the bus, so we go out for a coffee & talk whilst people watching. He's a lovely lad. Other family members, I have to make the effort & occasionally I do. I've found though, my own company is fine, I like to be my own boss, doing what I want when I want. You do adapt, it can be hard, sometimes very hard, but you make it work, as it's a case of having to.

One piece of advice, @66Mustang, do it sooner than later, so you have the back up.

Life will be different, but you will cope. 

WelshBlue

Hard to give advice as someone who's surrounded by people, but who's very insular and love solitude at times (always encouraging my wife to go out with friends as often as possible)

The clubs// groups you've mentioned joining before could be a way out of the loneliness of living alone  ?
Easy to say I know not being in that boat.

Strangely I have experienced loneliness despite there being people here with me, when I thought the answer to my problems was at the bottom of a bottle and a visit to my dealer.  My wife was only upstairs but I've never felt so alone. 

I wish you all the best my friend, you come across as someone it would be a pleasure to get to know and to have a 'proper' conversation with ... and I don't like many people 

Jimm_Scope

I do think society places a bit too much emphasis on having a romantic relationship. I am lucky in that I am in one and want to be in one, but I feel like there's an expected norm that you should want such a relationship, and that isn't a healthy norm I think. When I was much younger and not lucky enough to know my current partner I definitely felt that pang in the chest, that loneliness.

I'm also someone who puts a high value on online friendships even next to in-real-life (IRL) friendships. Oh, I don't think online friendships are better, but they can be just as good. However, there are things an online friendship cannot do than an irl can, such as be there physically for whatever reason. Whether you need a shoulder to cry on, help moving house/with activities or want to go to something irl with someone else.

But, to go back to the original topic. I think it's fine to live alone, the expected norm of finding someone and settling down with them, I don't think that is entirely healthy. It puts expectations on people, expectations they may not even want (see: asexual or aromantics). It's not an easy subject to talk about, sometimes I wonder if the societal expectation makes it hurt even more?

66Mustang

Wow many thanks for all the positive responses. I apologise, I have been quite busy lately with family things and was waiting for an opportunity to read & answer all the posts which I now have so will get on and respond to everyone. Sorry for the delay and thanks again

66Mustang

Hope this message works it's quite long

@woodbine that’s a good idea to try to widen my friendship circle as part of gaining independence, while it isn’t reducing my dependence on people as a whole it would shift the dependence away from my parents which is what we want. Thanks.

@steve_in_the_city thank you for sharing that. That’s incredibly useful to me as you seem to have went through many of the things I fear. I like how you have found positives about being alone as well i.e. can do what you want, when. I do appreciate that with how I am at the moment, I think being able to do what I want is a positive and if I was magically given a load of friends or even a relationship I would probably miss being in control of what I do and when so maybe it’s something I need to try to appreciate rather than thinking the grass is always greener.

@overlyanxious funny you say that as I agree. I always thought people who have a big social media presence must have dull lives, if they really had an interesting life social media would be the last thing on their mind lol. Sadly it’s not an either/or for me it’s internet or nothing at the moment. As much as I love this forum I’d be gone from the internet in a heartbeat if I was able to!!!!! (No offence ). I like your idea about different clubs. TBH I find cars attract a certain sort of person - usually quite conservative politically. The other types of club may be a good way to meet different types of people with different attitudes to life.

Thank you @onebigvoice really appreciate the support and that’s a good point about the different types of loneliness. I have my family I can call on whenever I want and am not lonely at the moment, I fear when I live alone and most family are no longer about I will be lonely though. Thanks for the advice.

@jessieJ thanks a lot. I like the advice to do it sooner rather than later. I agree about that and want to do it while my parents are still about so they can see me being independent and getting by OK if that makes sense.

@welshblue thanks for sharing what you went through. Oddly I went through similar with the drink, for different reasons I’m sure, this was during my post-school years and had some school friends and internet friends but was only interested in drinking not speaking to them. Sadly I lost all those people. I think your wife sounds like a strong person for sticking by you when you went through that part of life, not saying you were a bad person just I think you are lucky there! Thanks for the last bit which is a massive compliment to me, really appreciate it.

@jimm_scope in honesty I am not bothered by what society thinks, hell most of my opinions everyone disagrees with. If I cared I would be a totally different person lol. That said, I have always gone by the saying - I would rather be hated for being who I am than loved for being what I’m not. That said I think you raise a lot of good points about people feeling pressured to have relationships. I’m not even going to call it romantic relationships as I remember from school there was a lot of pressure to just have any old relationship and to have experienced certain related things by a certain age like 15. Thankfully I took no interest in peer pressure!!

@gnu89 glad that you managed to find what you want in life and are able to redirect the energy into more productive or enjoyable things.

onebigvoice

@66mustang Thank you so much for takingthe time to reply not only to me but to all the others that commented.
  You may not realise what you have done, but in wanting to be independent and also wanting to "expand your friends" you have already done that.....
  
  Many here allready see comments and contribute, O K you have the final say as to what to do, but we are already like your extended family, and hope that if ever you feel the need to talk, about anything, I'm sure there's an "APP" on here somewhere.  And if there isn't THEN START ONE, NEW TOPIC, NEW POST.
  Hope you are not feeling better and never feel that you need to comment a simple thumbs up is enough.

onebigvoice

@66mustang Thank you so much for takingthe time to reply not only to me but to all the others that commented.
  You may not realise what you have done, but in wanting to be independent and also wanting to "expand your friends" you have already done that.....
  
  Many here allready see comments and contribute, O K you have the final say as to what to do, but we are already like your extended family, and hope that if ever you feel the need to talk, about anything, I'm sure there's an "APP" on here somewhere.  And if there isn't THEN START ONE, NEW TOPIC, NEW POST.
  Hope you are not feeling better and never feel that you need to comment a simple thumbs up is enough.

onebigvoice

@66mustang HOPE YOU DO FEEL BETTER.........  NOT as posted?  DOH.  And you thought you had troubles......