Hi, my name is twoferggiekids!

twoferggiekids

Hello. I have an Intellectually Disabled 17 yr old Son living with me at home.  My Daughter is 20 yrs old and a Sophomore at CSUMB.
My husband of 20yrs died in September of 2019 after a 3 year bloody, painful degrading battle here, in a hospital bed in our living room. He was 56 yrs old at diagnosis and 59 yrs old, 6’3” 130lbs at death.  My Son was chronologically 10 yrs old when we told him about his Daddy’s illness.  However, he has a Processing Disorder and he was mentally and emotionally, somewhere around 4 yrs old.  I’m battling the Diabetes I neglected when I was taking care of everyone else.  It’s really serious now and I’ve had toes amputated and I almost lost an arm. I’m trying to provide for us in CA, using the Survivor’s Benefits of my Husband’s Social Security. However, a year ago, I received a text from my Brother In Law which said he’s selling their Father’s Home ASAP and to get out.  I’ve barely said 2 words to this baby/man since I married his Brother in 2002.  I have been promised my Husband’s share from the sale, around $125k.  I begged for 2 years to Atleast allow my Son to get his certificate from completing High School. They completely stopped communicating with us! Our good friends for over 33 years and the few family members I have who are still alive, completely abandoned us and I’ve yet to speak or see any of them since burying my Husband and their good friend too.  I was calling and leaving VM’s crying and utterly feeling so empty and depressed, I thought I died too. I was only here to settle my Son and Daughter into their adult lives and if my health held on until then, I’d die soon after.  I became a Widow at 53yrs old and I never imagined I’d ever be single again.  

Out if the blue, around 2 yrs after my Husband died, I received texts from the girlfriends who has become my sister’s.  They said my bereavement was too huge for them to handle and be with their families at the same time.  I need to state here that these women were absolutely the opposite of what they became. It was another death. I’ve been bedridden for 4 yrs trying to heal a pressure sore under my foot that I didn’t even realize I got in the final week of my husband’s life.  

I don’t even recognize this frail version of the physically and emotionally strong woman i once was.  

I’m overwhelmed.  I’m finally coming up for air and I’ve had a few moments i actually felt ok. 

I need to start thinking about declaring CH7 before my in-laws send an assessor down. They live 5 hrs away and plan to sell this house from up there.  

I need to locate an accessible, safe and friendly State, where I can buy a house with the intention of leaving it to my kids after I pass.  I can’t even buy a 1bd 1bath mobile home here for under $100k with a $1100-$2500 space rental. I’ve seen some beautiful homes in the Mid West,  that i could buy and still have money left over to pay my car off.  

I’m so freaking lonely and now I’m anxiety ridden whenever I do get out to see the doctors.  Ugh. 

poppy123456

Sorry for your loss. You have been through a lot. I'm sorry i don't have any advice for you. Scope is a UK website and i don't know anything about the help that maybe available across the pond. I hope you get the help you need.

Jimm_Scope

Hi @twoferggiekids, welcome to our community. It's clear from your story just how much you've been through, how much you've suffered. As poppy says, this is a UK-focused site, but that does not mean you cannot speak with us here. We do not have knowledge of the US benefits or health system, but we can still be a form of support if you'd like that. 

twoferggiekids

Thank you for reaching out to me.  I’m such a mess.  I believe that’s why everyone left.  I’m volunteering to stay  stuck in grief, loneliness and both physical and emotional pain.  I can’t understand why I don’t apply myself and take even the smallest steps towards healing.  Part of me wants to heal,  so I can enjoy life in the present moment again.  I reach out and make therapy or MD appointments but I never follow through.  When I was 22 yrs old, I was addicted to drugs and I landed in jail.  I turned to AA for support and the first thing they told me was that I’d need to become willing to stay sober and then the fun really started.  I was told I needed to change everything in my life if I wanted to stay sober, but not to worry because there were 12 steps, already proven to transform lives for the better. I only needed to show up and don’t drink or use for today.  

I never looked back. I have my children’s futures solely in only MY hands now and I’m wondering why they aren’t enough for me to apply myself to atleast TRYING to change.? 

I could use some words of wisdom from you both if that’s ok to ask even though I’m far away. Really, both your comments are the closest relationships I’ve had with anyone anywhere.  

Jimm_Scope

Hey @twoferggiekids, thank you for replying!

I have not lived in the states, but my partner is from the states. I have some idea of how much of a struggle it can be, especially having gone through the experiences you have. I think it's amazing you managed to become sober, that's an incredibly difficult journey and it really does say something about your inner strength. 

You say you keep missing medical appointments, that was common for me too. Do you have an idea why you can sometimes miss appointments? For instance, I discovered I have ADHD with time blindness and executive function issues. 

I do not know much about what kind of services can help you. I did a little research and found this section on Housing programs the California government runs (I assume the CA means California). I hope some might be able to help you. I saw there's also a general assistance fund by county and disability help if you've paid into social security in the past (I'm sorry if this doesn't apply). Finally I saw CalWORKS, a program for helping families with children.

I hope at least one of these links might prove useful. I'm not great with my state abbreviations so I did assume CA meant California, let me know if I made an oopsie there! 

I hope you're having an okay day despite everything going on.