Hi
This is my first time posting. I'm honestly not sure what section to post to because it combines family, money and benefits, if it doesn't belong here I apologise and will remove it.
Also apologies for the length in advance. It's a messy situation I'm in, mostly financial but I'm putting a bit of backstory (sorry).
Basically my Mum died at the end of May this year from dementia. I was her live in carer until she was sectioned and had to go into care (which I feel horribly guilty about). My stepdad has alzheimers and has carers 4 times a day, has no memory and I have safe guarding concerns that I feel are often ignored. He has an army of people - physio, district nurses, cathethar nurses etc. Social Services has said he cannot go into a care home, and he has no savings for this. His daughter comes round to visit weekly, but if there's any problems e.g. with cathetars etc (there's been a lot) I have to sort out. I'm getting worried about him doing something at night as thanks to physio he's now shuffling around the house (he has his own small annex within the house but doesn't stay in there). He always thinks there's people in the house or the carers never visit - honestly I went though it with mum, and I don't have the energy with him.
I don't have a good relationship with him - he has been passive agressive and bullying to me for years - he's also a mood hoover and has always created a miserable environment and I'm pretty sure he's resented me living here and not moving out (I was looking after mum) and I feel like the house (which my mum solely owned) has now become a giant nursing home for him, I stay up in my bedroom otherwise carers, nurses etc try to rope me into taking care of him. When carers aren't here, I'm constantly anxious because he's a falls risk and he's doing stupid, risky stuff. Basically he isn't safe to live by himself. He's restless at night, I have to deal with the phone calls, the nurses etc despite his own children having LPA. I'm too mentally exhausted from my mum. I also have CFS, ADHD and anxiety/depression. I'm on ESA (my only income, I'm in support group) and am currently applying for PIP.
My stepdad has to pay towards his care, and this has turned out to be a lot (£820 per month). He is also currently paying utilities (£774 per month). I pay for all the food, household items and repairs (the house is old and constantly needs repairs) which often wipes out my ESA. They say this because the house has been left to me by mum (my stepdad said he'd move out but neither made any plans for what would happen if either of them got sick/disabled). They also didn't have a good marriage but that's all been ignored. I feel shoved out and unwanted in my own home, as if I no longer matter. It really hurts because I've tried really hard to help my step-sister as I know how awful it is to have a parent with alzheimers. Prior to my mum's death I paid rent but stopped because I was paying for everything for my mum despite them having a joint account my stepdad wouldn't pay for anything for her.
My step-siblings have now told me that I have to pay the utilities in future, and that the council have told them because the house is now 'in my name' I have to pay the council tax (they were trying to get a discount for their dad) I know on the surface this seems very reasonable, but I can't afford them. A lot of people's answer is I'm being lazy on ESA, I should get off it and get a job. I wish it was that simple. I'm just a mess of anxiety, pain, depression and I'm still not over my mum. I also lost my sister eight years ago (car crash) and my mum was suicidal for years so I had to look after her before the Alzheimers kicked in.
To make matters more complicated my mum's will is in probate, and is currently frozen by my eldest, estranged brother having put a cavaet on it, and the executor (mum's lawyer) is refusing for whatever reason to challenge/get rid of the cavaet and says there is nothing she can do about probate now (we have IHT to pay and I'm scared we'll get so many late fees/interest - the house is our sole assest) and keeps contradicting the advice she gives us - worse she's a senior partner in the firm and due to retire so I feel there's no one I can complain to about her. The house is also to be left to me in a discretionary trust, so I'm not sure if it'll even technically *belong* to me.
I just have no clue what to do. I'm scared. I was planning on getting some lodgers in the house to help but I can't do that with ESA - well I can, but I can only keep £20 per week.
I just feel lost, drained, I miss my mum and sister so much, they were my best friends. I'm just not sure what to do. I hate not pulling my weight financially but I just can't afford the house bills (I want to sell the house for something much smaller but can't until probate is done).
Sorry for the very long pity party. I probably sound pathetic, but if anyone has advice. I can't afford to talk to a lawyer and CAB said the situation was too complex. I just wondered if anyone could offer advice? Or if I'm being stupid/unreasonable?
