I am transgender

123_Bear_321

Hi, my birth certificate says I am male as I was born with a penis, but i am not male.  I still have a penis.  I tried to cut it off a couple of times but its there still.  I dont have enough money to get it removed (..."removed")  so i will wait 4 years to have a normal healthy "adult" relationship.  I have mental health problems but then again I do not, it is the world that is sick: a cliché that holds for me.  Perhaps this is the right community in which to speak like this, safely.  I have always tried to live a normal life and not let the things I see and hear outside my door affect me, but today once again I am making another vow not to leave the building as I get less sleep at night the more time I spend outdoors.  5 Friday, 2-3 last night, cant even think of the word...  means one amount relates to another: correlation, numerical correlation, negative correlation: more time outdoors, less sleep.  I am a victim of sexual abuse that I dealt to myself from the age of 15/16, and I have complex ptsd.  I have lower back pain so bad I cant move at all well, could hardly walk the 200m from bus stop home yesterday, and with the sleep loss my body aches; my mind is grey and my "heart" numb. I cant even talk to my friends, a lot of them do not talk at all anymore, and the rest often once I have their attention I decide to start draining them.  I've just put on some Bob Dylan,   I only mention in honesty as an axplanation for possible change of tone.  I think; I dont have much money, but... nm.  The answer to hate is love, only I don't have any.  Music off.

I dont want to sleep.  I am tired but why should I?

Can't even remember what I wanted to say, forget it.  Times were a lot lot worse before, I have some memories which can't be mine, but fear that world coming back.  TBH I feel like i'm pretty much there now.  Next minute ill be euphoric and "manic".

I want to hurt myself, but I worry I will lose access to my treatment for gender dysphoria.

you know what i dont care, i feel asleep typing and woke up with music in my hear.  this is all fruitless.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion as large as they are, feel free to offer thoughts and feedback, I will try to be open to debate, not to "shout down".

noman

Why have you started 25 threads on the same subject?

123_Bear_321

I hadn't posted this I was still working on it.  dont know in other words.

123_Bear_321

Also i got asked to leave a takeaway in bradford yesterday. i paid for food and sat to eat it they said it was not eat in and i had to go (wonder what the tables and chairs were for then?)  I had done nothing wrong as far as i was aware, i left my chips and left, booting the window from outside and then 2 minutes later was harassed by a drunk couple for no reason as far as i am aware other than the reason that I was sober.

I get an email response from the police that no crime had taken place.

I spent 20 hours in a cell 4 weeks ago for malicious communication, barely any food, no access to healthcare not even paracetamol when I begun with a psychogenic but very real fever which ended in physical convulsions. Then our "great leader" makes his speech, I watched it  last week (finally as I had calmed down about other things).
I had packed my medication when I was taken from my home but they rushed me and then refuse to allow me the one with the missing box, and made no attempt to remedy this, said they had no time, meanwhile I sit in the cell I cant even exercise as I am hungry and thirsty and my body is shot with skeleto-muscular pain.  As someone who spent 2 years in a pharmacy and has also been drugged forcibly by the UK government on a "community treatment order"  I am not happy about this.  The "do you have a complaint" poster in the office somebody had underlined "complaint" with red marker... as if to say keep your mouth shut scum.

I cant remember what else I was going to say, the posts in question I was describing how I was going to go out and kill random people, some "chamber of secrets tom riddle's diary" style stuff, and something about school shootings.  I watched American horror story a couple of weeks later I hadn't seen those episodes before.  i need to chill now. i wanted it out, i want it out more. if i shout too loud people will turn away.  i'm tired of speaking in riddles though.  I predicted the Manchester Uni stabbings, Rishi did that. - not really followed this and it might be unrelated, but im gonna say he might have done, and possibly has elsewhere, definitely the PM is ********* and worse he is the PM.  He is entitled to his beliefs but not to say things outside his remit on public TV
.

123_Bear_321

starred the descriptive word as i am undecided what to use currently,

123_Bear_321

I have volunteered at a scope shop for a year, cant go currently as outdoors isn't safe, and I have not been sent my disabled travel card. they are going ahead with the eugenics program, sounds like a joke...  we are not talking about the lame risking the survival of the tribe, we are talking about sick caged chickens being incinerated.

123_Bear_321

you should try happy me, we are a tag team.

123_Bear_321

One last remark about the psychology experiment where two teams of subjects took turns to be the jailors and prisoners.  they had to can the study.   I'm hungry for Greggs sausage roll, I think I might be confused as to what year it is.

123_Bear_321

I looked it up.

Jimm_Scope

Hi @123_Bear_321, thank you for sharing your story, I'll be sending you a email shortly so please do look out for it. I know talking about these feelings and concerns can be incredibly difficult.

Regarding the many posts, we've noticed this is an issue with certain users. Would it be okay to know what kind of device you were using? (Computer, Mobile, if mobile is it apple or android?) This info will help us raise this issue  

123_Bear_321

yeah its PC win 10 "vivaldi browser"  (the one with the red "v" as its logo).

I fell asleep and when i woke i had the comment it had been posted 25 times.  sheesh, bit if an overkill.

you know what Jimm, thanks so much really, i feel like i need to cry but i am just numb, today i was seriously verbally abuse in a pretty threatening manner in a takeaway, and called a "C*nt" in acorrosive tone by the third person of the people outside the pub who i only spoke to cause i was "called over"  i have brathed in some pot i think, i feel a bit "dissociative", im tired lack of sleep i feel self hate and no urge to help myself at all, and i can berely do the simplest tesk i need to eat.  not huingry!  my friend might be the next town over if she lets me ill go see her...   thanks jimmy, i am ok, i did feel like that but im gonna get up off the floor ...   x

Jimm_Scope

Hey @123_Bear_321, thanks for responding. Thank you for giving me that information, hopefully it'll help find the bug and fix it

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It's a lot to deal with, nevermind everything else. I've sent you another email just so you know. 

Maybe seeing your friend would be good? 

I hope you find the time to eat though! 

123_Bear_321

washed changed and ate.  oao