Hi, my name is Lillie! — Scope | Disability forum
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Hi, my name is Lillie!

Lillie Community member Posts: 2 Connected

I've been reading for a while and after the worst christmas I can remember feel like I need to reach out. I'm a bit nervous about posting but I can't think what else to do now. 

My husband is the love of my life we've been married nearly 2 decades and he helped me so much to recover from traumas but he does drink alot. We live in our own little bubble and honestly I prefer it that way, I was young when I realised how cruel the world and people can be. I'm neurodiverse and I guess I never really got on with people so prefer the solitude of our little home but I do get lonely. 

I sometimes feel though that mark loves a drink more than he loves me, whenever he's awake he's drinking and he can be quite angry with it. He spends most his time sleeping and I hate to say it but I prefer that sometimes because I feel on eggshells when he's about. Only sometimes. I hate talking about him as I feel like I'm betraying him and I love him it's just hard.

We claim Universal Credit and it isnt much and most of what we get goes on drink, he's been sanctioned because he can't look for work and won't go to the job centre, I get LCW because of my conditions so I don't need to work but it's hard. I wish I could but most my time is looking after him some days he can't even get himself out of bed or up the stairs but my pain makes it harder to support him physically if you understand? 

PIP declined my and he's angry that we even claim Universal Credit and just ignores them so I don't really know what else to do. It doesn't even cover our rent as it's £150 short.

Did everybody else have a nice christmas? 


  • Beaver79
    Beaver79 Community member, Community Co-Production Group, Scope Member Posts: 20,260 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Lillie I am so sorry you are finding things so difficult. You are not betraying your husband by talking about him, we do not know who you are. We all need someone to talk to. Would your husband be prepared to talk to anyone about his drinking? Does he even realise he has a problem? We are always here to listen anytime. Take care.
  • Lillie
    Lillie Community member Posts: 2 Connected
    Thank you @Beaver79. No he wouldn't talk to anyone he does not see he has an issue with drink it was a very slow increase in volume until it got to this point. But with his sanction too I'm struggling to even buy food as most our money goes on drink for him. He's a good man with a good heart but I don't know what to do now. I tried to explain it to universal credit but they won't engage with me instead of him. Since he doesn't want to claim could I do a single claim instead? So at least I would not be sanctioned? 

    I shouldn't really have said anything about his drinking as he would be furious if he knew I spoke behind his back. He isn't so bad really. It just has a hold of him. 
  • Beaver79
    Beaver79 Community member, Community Co-Production Group, Scope Member Posts: 20,260 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Lillie I do not have much knowledge of benefits, hopefully another member will be able to advise on this for you. Take care. 
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 11,011 Scope online community team
    edited December 2023
    Good afternoon @Lillie. We're going to be sending you an email, so please keep an eye out for that.

    It takes a lot of strength to open up about such personal challenges, and I'm glad you took the plunge to log in and reach out to us here. 

    It's clear that you deeply care for your husband, and your love and dedication to him are evident in your words. Living with someone who struggles with alcohol can be incredibly taxing, both emotionally and physically. I want you to know that it's okay and actually really important to take care of yourself and focus on your needs too. Your wellbeing matters just as much, and it's okay to take time for your mental and physical health. Do you have any friends or family you can reach out to? 

    I'm sure you've seen some of them before, but PrioryGroup have a useful page on living with an alcoholic partner. If you get time, give it a read as it might have some new ideas for you. I particularly like these two:

    • DO focus on yourself and the others in your household who are affected by your alcoholic partner. This should be your priority, so concentrate on yours and their physical and mental health
    • DON’T give up. Remember that you are not alone and you can handle today. There are people who care about you and who will support you so that things can get better
    • DON’T remain in a position where you feel that you and others in your household are physically or emotionally unsafe. Seek immediate professional support and don’t try to handle the situation yourself

    Mind also have some tips on helping someone with alcohol problems, and Carers Trust recommend talking to someone about how it affects you to be caring for someone with alcohol issues

    Please remember that seeking help is not a betrayal; it's a brave and necessary step towards improving your situation.

    With regards to your benefits, how long ago was your PIP decision made? Have you thought about appealing?

    Would your partner consider starting the work capability process for himself too? 

    You also mentioned a shortfall in your rent so I wondered if you've heard about Discretionary Housing Payments

    I know that's a lot of information all at once so please let me know if you have any questions. 

    Itruly hope things get better for you, and that 2024 brings positive changes. 

    Community Manager
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community member Posts: 16,103 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Lillie - & welcome to the community from me also. I just wanted to reach out as I know how difficult alcohol addiction can be. My son-in-law is addicted to alcohol, & his wife, my eldest daughter, also loves him so very much & struggled with this for it must be 5 years now. This is also the first time I've mentioned this here, so I know how difficult it can be. 
    My daughter had similar feelings to yourself, not knowing how he'd be, when he'd be comparitively sober, when she might have the opportunity to talk to him, & try & help him.
    My daughter always had my support, as did my son-in-law; I sought help for him, especially because he'd had bariatric surgery, & him having one drink was like someone who hadn't had this surgery having had 2.
    It's not a matter of him loving a drink more than you; just addiction is so very difficult for everyone to deal with.
    In addition to what Adrian has said above, & just speaking personally, my son-in-law's GP was helpful. There's also  https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk/  tho they're not in all areas, but do know they also have helped those with alcohol addiction
    The unfortunate thing is, that until he realises he has a problem, then he may not engage with anyone.
    Universal Credit will be a joint claim as you're his wife. You couldn't claim on your own without involving him.
    What Adrian said about your PIP claim is important tho, as depending how long ago you got a decision you may be able to appeal, & hopefully get more money if awarded.
    You'll find this an enormously supportive community, & we'll be here for you. We all need help/support at different times in our lives, & you do indeed need to look after you too. My best wishes.

  • Ada
    Ada Scope Member Posts: 14,293 Disability Gamechanger
    @Lillie our story is incredibly similar. But I can’t say more than that. A part from I know 99% off what your going through. 

    I just wanted to send you a warm welcome from me. 

    I completely understand


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