Dealing with end of a long term relationship

msoton

Hi all, new here and having a rougher tough time of it at the moment.
For context, I was diagnosed as autistic just after covid and although would consider myself fairly 'high functioning' I do struggle, as many do, with change and handling my emotions among other things.

So to the point, my now ex partner, said she wanted to end things on Boxing day, we have been together for 8 years, own a house together, have 3 cats but no children; I'm 37 myself and she is 34 (and also on the spectrum but more in an ADHD sense). It's has been slightly mutual but definitely more her choice to end things. We have become distant over time from an emotional perspective, i.e. no longer had sex as I just felt totally like I was overthinking it all and it became too much so I just shut myself off, and I've said things that have hurt her when I've been in a depressive cycle.

I've had breakups before and while they're obviously never fun, I've never been in the situation of it being combined with the anxiety of what will happen with these big adult things like the house and cats (which are basically like my kids to us!).

I've been really struggling to process things, have been trying to go for walks and not isolating myself from friends (I made plans for dinner tonight with one I had not seen in ages, for example). Yet I continually drift from feelings of grieving, loss, sadness, pity for myself, anger at myself and thinking that I'm better off not alive at my worst - it just sort of spirals (this comes back to the difficulty in controlling my emotions, I've also never self harmed before I should note nor am I realistically thinking of doing so) - am texting the 'Shout' thing today also to see how that helps.

Does anybody else on the spectrum have any advice for things that really helped them? Going to try small dose CBD to see if that just slightly calms things a little.

I'm just feeling totally overwhelmed with every emotion under the sun at the moment :-/

Thank you

Rosie_Scope

Hello @msoton, welcome to the community. Sorry your relationship has ended, that sounds really difficult to deal with and I can understand why you feel overwhelmed. Reading about your situation, it already sounds like you're doing some really positive things to help like staying in touch with friends and walking. 

Do you ever find writing down your feelings is helpful? It doesn't have to be hand written, even just little notes on the computer or phone that you can delete afterwards should you not want them hanging about. I was skeptical about journaling for a long time, but I have to admit that it's sometimes a good way to get spiraling thoughts out of your brain. It's not always helpful for everyone, but might be something to try if you feel up to it.

I'm sure more of our members will be along to offer some advice and support soon, I just wanted to say hello and welcome. I hope you find Shout useful and we are always here should you need to talk about things

msoton

Rosie_Scope said:

Hello @msoton, welcome to the community. Sorry your relationship has ended, that sounds really difficult to deal with and I can understand why you feel overwhelmed. Reading about your situation, it already sounds like you're doing some really positive things to help like staying in touch with friends and walking. 

Do you ever find writing down your feelings is helpful? It doesn't have to be hand written, even just little notes on the computer or phone that you can delete afterwards should you not want them hanging about. I was skeptical about journaling for a long time, but I have to admit that it's sometimes a good way to get spiraling thoughts out of your brain. It's not always helpful for everyone, but might be something to try if you feel up to it.

I'm sure more of our members will be along to offer some advice and support soon, I just wanted to say hello and welcome. I hope you find Shout useful and we are always here should you need to talk about things

Thank you Rosie for your reply and suggestion - I will try your idea and see if it helps.

danwheelies

I empathize with your situation. Ending a long-term relationship is very difficult. I went through that when my 5-year relationship ended. But getting a golden retriever as a company made things easier. I know a cat can also be affectionate, but having a golden retriever was the best decision I have made. And she even helped me meet my new partner by posing beside me in my dating profile. That’s how I met my wife, who also adores dogs.

glowstick

I went through a really rough breakup over summer. Obviously not exactly the same - the relationship was shorter and we're in our mid twenties - but there was the housing element to it as well. Personally, I went to stay with my mum for a few months (since I was then homeless and didn't have much choice rip) and really focussed on seeing my friends, grieving that relationship, and finding ways to heal. I found it really helpful to give my life a structure to it that I could rely on that calmed me, so for me this was starting every day with a cup of my favourite tea, doing yoga, and having my breakfast before I even looked at my phone (the amount of anxiety my phone was starting to give me was unreal, feeling like I had to be constantly available to everyone all the time). I did loads of journalling too, and of course making time just for my special interests. It took me many months to really feel like I was passed it, but I think making those self-care activities a part of my new routine really did wonders. Obviously, different things work for different people and it'll take time, but in the meanwhile it is a hellish and overwhelming process and I really sympathise.