Hi, my name is WK1796! (Dyspraxia)

WK1796

Hi, I'm new here and honestly don't know how much I'll engage with the community but I'm feeling a bit down since my diagnosis and where better to try?

I am 32 and was diagnosed back in September. Since then I have had every emotion about it - my happiness and confidence got a big boost when I felt I finally had an answer to 'why am I like this?'. I could stop blaming myself for things I couldn't change (like always dropping food down myself) and start adapting instead. It was a huge relief and a self esteem boost when I finally stopped judging/putting pressure on myself.

A few months out though, a new frustration is starting to creep in with a flavour of sadness. I know the limitations I experience aren't my fault, but I've also lost the last bit of hope I had that I could change things. I find myself wondering how far I could have gone if I wasn't like this.

The thing is, while in every other way I fit the dyspraxic mould, I did very well in education in the academic subjects. My P.E., Art and DT scores were abysmal but otherwise I got straight As. I got a first at uni. And now I have a steady job as an administrator.

When I had my assessment, the assessor was lovely and very thorough but I found it odd (and a bit patronising tbh) that he kept saying how well I was doing career wise, when I felt like I wasn't fulfilling my potential. I struggle to cope with full time work, high stress, people management and responsibility, so I don't pursue higher roles. It feels like such a huge barrier and I was being praised for being at the bottom of it. I didn’t understand then how much so many dyspraxic people struggle to get and keep a job at all.

On such person is my line manager's son, who struggles at school. My line manager is doing her very best to support me but I'm finding it hard to explain to her that though her son and I have a lot of shared difficulties and needs that particular one isn't so bad for me. She keeps telling me and everyone that I need time to 'process and understand', even on the occasions when I'm like 'no, I'm good, I get it'. It's very frustrating to feel like you are being held back unnecessarily, but her concern is that I am continuing to mask when I say I'm fine.

This is very rambling! I know this must be coming off as so entitled and ungrateful. I promise I know how fortunate I am that dyspraxia did not affect my academic abilities and that I am able to hold down a job. It's just hard sometimes when I look at my sister, who got the same marks as me at school, and is now in a high paid high skill job I wouldn't cope with. I find myself wondering what my life would be like if I didn't have this.

Then I look at online resources about dyspraxia and feel guilty for being dissatisfied, and like I shouldn’t complain because so many people with this condition struggle so much more. I feel like I am 'not dyspraxic enough' to use the label and resources available. Like I managed fairly well for 32 years, why does this matter now?  I just feel alone in the middle.

Rosie_Scope

@WK1796, welcome to the community. You're definitely not entitled or ungrateful, and you're not alone in these feelings. It's really hard to come to terms with how things might have been, it's something I'm still working through with my conditions too. But everyone struggles with different parts of their conditions and to varying degrees, so please don't feel like your feelings aren't valid. You're just as worthy of resources as anyone else

Have you ever spoken to anyone else about the way that you feel, like a trusted friend or family member? 

We are always here if you need to talk things through, lots of us have been through similar struggles. I hope some of our members will be along soon to share their experiences too. Feel free to join in as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing, I hope you'll find everyone is very friendly and supportive

WK1796

Thank you Rosie. I am fortunate to have a good support network of friends and family, but it's nice to talk to people with more of a shared experience. Thank you for listening and the reassurance, it has really helped

Rosie_Scope

No problem at all I'm really glad to hear that you've got some good support, but as you say, it's always nice to chat to people with similar experiences and that's what the community is there for

JoeGro

Hi, I feel I'm in the same boat. I was diagnosed in my last year at uni, after never hearing about dyspraxia previously. I - did well at school and 6th form, and I've now managed to establish a career for myself but I struggled enormously at the start of my career when my jobs were more admin focused and I'm terrified that it will all come crumbling down at some point. 

I haven't really found any advice that helpful. I had some interaction with access to work in one of my earlier jobs and they seemed pretty clueless about the condition and weren't able to provide anything that I couldn't do myself.

Like you I doubt I'm equipped to hold down a managerial role, although I feel like I can "get away with it" on a day to day basis.

Do you mind if I ask what job you do?