How I’ve been left to say goodbye

weakspot

A little bit of history first 

Posted this before today probs not in the right place 

I’m 56, I’ve 3 children to too different ex wives 

im an ex army war disablement pensioner with numerous issues from ptsd anxiety and depression, , to back neck upper and lower back  and hfhl, tinnitus and vestibular issues over balance so there is a lot going on to start with, 

just after Boxing Day I found out from a air ambulance just giving page  one of my 3 son’s was involved in an accident at work , he was working under a vehicle on axle stands ( he is a mechanic on heavy vehicles ) the vehicle cam off the axle stands and he was trapped and not breathing for 30 mins, revived at scene and flown to James cook major trams unit in an induced coma on the 7th November, died of his injuries on the 15th November and cremated on the 15th December, my ex said nothing and neither did his brother or any of that side of the family, 

I didn’t get to say goodbye 

obv heads still all over the place over it 

the only way I can think to say goodbye is I’m busy making a small toy like boat and on his birthday on the 15th February go to a river near me place some pics of Kieran in the boat and launch it down the river so the current can take my thoughts and memories of Kieran on there new journey and a way for me to let go, 

the whole thing is an impossible situation to face or understand , there is no magic pill to take, there are no words can express how I feel, I’m just trying to find my way out, time stands still for no man , you have to choose between standing still stuck in a moment or move with the flow forward , baby steps I know, I’m gonna falter I’m gonna fall , 
Some days will be better others not so much , I will move on from this , time is both my enemy and my friend 

sorry for the long one I just needed to get it out 

Albus_Scope

Hi @weakspot, firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you're here talking to us about things.  We're all here to support you if you need a collective shoulder.

I can empathise to some extent, I lost my father to covid and found out shortly before his death.  I didn't get to speak to him, or go to his funeral. So I held my own funeral for him, just as a bit of closure and as a way to say goodbye.  I love your idea of making Kieran a little boat, that will be a beautiful send off. 

As you said, it's baby steps, but we're all here to help you if you need us.  Please be gentle with yourself.  

Sandy_123

Hi @weakspot I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and you not having a chance to say  goodbye, must  be really hard for you.  Its a nice idea with the boat, grief effects everyone differently and what you find comfort in that eases that a little is a good thing. Have you thought of councilling? Some people find it helps. 

weakspot

Thank you for your kind words, trying to be kind to yourself is an odd one for me as I’m a people pleaser, made worse as at the moment I’ve also got the dilemma of do I tell my dad , he is 82 with progressing Parkinson’s , or do I let him live out what he has left in blissful ignorance , we lost our mum to liver cancer around the end of Covid , unfortunately she decided not to have a funeral opted for a pure cremations plan ( picked up cremated and ashes returned some weeks later )  so again never got to say goodbye seems like a trend running over the years. I’m in East Midlands and parents where in the north east 

I shoulder alot and find I don’t talk as much as I should, with the hearing loss I tend to shy away/ withdraw from people on the whole and social events , yup it’s a solitary existence, most of the time. , 

I’ve been intouch somewhat with my youngest son ( Kieran’s brother ) to be shown what I’ve created , a mirror image of myself some one that doesn’t talk, shoulders burdens , with comments of I’ve just got to be a man about it, suck it up, etc

but knowing full well there is an underlying problem not being dealt  with as his attentions are placed  on everyone else rather than his self I can see what is happening but powerless to do anything about it the youngest is 22/23 years old living away from family of either side and on his own 

Sandy_123

It's a difficult choice with your dad, if it were me, I would want to know, but I understand where you are coming from. Alot of recent funerals I know have been pure cremation. The families have held their own little gathering to mark a toast to the person they lost. Not the same I know. 
Have you been seen by somebody with your hearing loss?  Might get some help with that.
It's good your in touch with family 

Lou67

@weakspot
Im so sorry for the loss of your son. It’s so sad you weren’t contacted to at least pay your respects. 

But your idea off the boat is a lovely way for you to acknowledge your son in your own way and nobody can take that away from you.
Im glad you’re speaking with your other son and I pray yous both get some comfort from each other.
Look after yourself and reach out here there is always someone around to chat with. 

❤️

Rosie_Scope

Hi @weakspot, sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine how difficult things have been for you and I wish you all the best. 

It sounds like a lovely idea to have your own little ceremony with the boat to say goodbye to Kieran. I hope you can find some comfort in saying goodbye to him in your own way

Is counselling something you'd ever consider? Some people find it helpful to just have someone neutral to talk things through with without any judgement, but I can understand if that's not possible for you. We are always here if you need to talk things through and find it easier online.

weakspot

Thank you to all that have commented , 

counselling I have had historical for a few issues and may even consider again as I don’t like the effects of anti depressants. The problem is for me it would have to be face to face otherwise I find it hard to bond with a counsellor , without being able to bond means I won’t fully open up, I know this because I’ve done face to face and telephone. I’ve got a high degree of dyslexia so visual is always better, as I said to the gp a couple of days ago if an appointment is made I’ll attend , if left to do it myself then that’s when the problems start , mental load / overwhelmed and inability to motivate, things are just very numb, my wife struggles to know what she can do for me right now , my simple answer is “there is nothing “ just find a level and keep things there, I’ll do the rest, as they say walk a mile in my shoes , more to the point spend a minute in my head, (that will freak you out lol )

there is no easy answer 

Albus_Scope

HI @weakspot. I understand the need for face to face, over the phone can be so tricky.  Would video calls be an option for you at all?  I know many therapists offer this service now.  

chiarieds

Hi @weakspot - I just wanted to reach out, as, altho it's different in every situation, we lost our youngest daughter many years ago. Whilst some might say funerals are a way of closure, I personally find them dreadful affairs. Celebrating Kieran's life, especially remembering his birthday, is such a better way,

Just from my personal experience, time doesn't necessarily heal, & perhaps the pain of your loss doesn't happen every day, but when it does happen, can be still as acute. Surely that's because of the love you have for your child, & their age doesn't matter? We lost our little one when she was 23 months old; however I can't imagine losing your child as an adult.

I found the path I had to take was so different than any I'd ever imagined, but you do have to take those small steps initially to travel it.

Sorry, tried to reply to you a couple of days ago, then lost the post, & events took over. One of my neighbours who was kind enough to call me a friend was airlifted to the James Cook Hospital on Saturday morning after she collapsed, so this also resonates with me. She had suffered a devastating brain aneurysm & is now gone.

What can I say, there certainly are no easy answers, but Kieran will be with you always in your heart; just know that.