Forgiveness

Agnia

my life could  have been completely different if only i had been given the one small chance i asked for 
im not ready to forgive people who insulted me and blocked me , my health condition really worsened then and it caused trauma 
i never ever blocked them 
i was a burden and im a burden 
i couldn’t visit family because they didn’t agree that i could go and see them 
i had money ( from work ) 
i cannot see any future 
i was terrified and asked about one small chance just one chance 
the last hallowen was like knife through my heart because i couldn’t light the candle on my grandparents grave and before as well 

WhatThe

Forgiveness when people hurt you so badly takes a long time. Rejection from your own family must be one of the worst and it happened to me too. 

Forgiving yourself for becoming unwell is really important, Agnia. That's not your fault is it? You managed easily in your old life and don't now. It's not easy to adjust and accept the new life but you have lots of support here at Scope to do this. 

Agnia

Yes WhatThe 
thank you very much for replying really 
i didn’t forgive myself that i didn’t have enough strength and the motivation to fight for myself 
i cannot visit my family 
i cannot clean their grave and to light the candles on my grandparents grave it’s killing me and not only this 
i was calling Samaritans and talking about euthanasia or other things 
i just was asking about one chance and i would give them all my money and to pay for the food electricity for everything they want  just to be there and to get the chance 

WhatThe

It sounds like you are still fighting so you are not weak! Fighting to survive is exhausting though. 

I know you have some support from MIND but perhaps have not had bereavement counselling. It really helped me deal with loss which includes rejection. It's all loss and it hurts like hell. Bereavement counselling can help us even years later.. 

I do believe that people don't really leave us if we remember how much they loved us back and hold onto that   

Agnia

Thank you WhatThe 
im weak really 
everything has gone too far 

WhatThe

Believing in yourself might feel impossible at the moment but it is possible to recover the strong Agnia you used to know. There are ways back to peace of mind and good mental health.

Poor physical health is something we all have to face whether by accident or through old age. Nobody would choose it but know that we at Scope understand even if your family doesn't.   

 

Agnia

Thank you WhatThe

WhatThe

Honestly Agnia, I thought I would never recover, that things would never change for me just as you describe.. 

Somebody explained to me that I needed to believe things could change for that to happen. Nothing to do with God and religion. Even the word was unfamiliar to me because I was so broken.

Believe became a word I wrote down every day - still do - at the top of my daily list of tasks. It seemed to work because belief in myself slowly began to happen. 
 

Jimm_Scope

Hi @Agnia, I'm sorry to hear you couldn't visit your grandparents grave. You mention it was during halloween, is it possible to visit their graves some other time? I know it's not the same as doing it on All Souls Day but is it still a possibility? Is there a reason  you can't visit some other day?

How are you doing today? 

Agnia

Hi WhatThe it’s gone too far everything i cannot see any future 
Hi Jimm, i have no one to go with there it’s a long journey , i don’t go outside at all , the space between the graves is very narrow, i have problems with my mobility , it will be very difficult to go there by wheelchair not possible for me on my own , they don’t want me there 
i don’t want to give a burden for Scope community 

Jimm_Scope

I understand @Agnia, that must be very difficult. While it may not feel the same, you can still light a candle to your grandparents where you are. They will know, and it will have the same meaning to them as doing as at their grave. 

You also aren't a burden at all, there's always a space for you here Agnia  

Can I ask how things are going about applying for accommodation outside of London? 

Agnia

Hi Jimm , thank you very much for writing to me 
im sorry please can i be honest to write that lighting a candle here it’s not the same for me like going there to their grave and i cannot fight this feeling it’s killing me
im sorry there is no progress for applications 

WhatThe

Agnia, does your doctor know how upset and stuck you are? Needing to be looked after is nothing to be ashamed of and it's worth a try. I wish you well   

Jimm, Agnia's homeland is Poland

Agnia

Hi WhatThe, im scared to call her now and they changed the appointment system was very difficult for me to navigate, when we spoke before i said to the doctor all about my situation 

WhatThe

Hi Agnia, how are you today?

I know it's harder to book appointments now and most surgeries want us to ring at 8 or 9am. Does yours allow telephone appointments? That can be easier than going in.

Your doctor needs to know you're still not managing and need more support. She's the one who knows you best. It's important to keep in touch because they have so many patients.  

Agnia

Hi WhatThe,
Thank you , im sorry, yes i had telephone appointment before i wasn’t able to go there myself and it was too much for me everything to navigate , i was telling the doctor that im not able to cook at all and the doctor was saying that can i make a sandwich 
im sorry it was too much everything and to fight everything and even here i don’t want to be a burden 

Agnia

Thank you WhatThe again 
i really don’t want to be a burden 

WhatThe

But you are not a burden, not here not with your GP. We all need to be looked after one day! 

Becoming disabled can happen at any age and it's nobody's fault, certainly not yours. You are obviously a lovely person which is why people on this forum want to help you get the care you need. 

Did your doctor ever suggest a social worker to visit you at home and check your accommodation? I really think your doctor needs to know that things are not getting easier but worse. Ring again. Ring every two weeks so they know your situation is urgent.   
 

Agnia

Thank you WhatThe, they never suggested a social worker 
i was telling to the doctor 2 times that im not able to cook at all or even to make a sandwich i didn’t have motivation 

Agnia

You are a lovely person WhatThe🌷♥️

WhatThe

I think a social worker might be the best person to help in your situation. Definitely ask your doctor for a referral in your next call-back appointment. 

I'm sorry this wasn't offered to you before now! Because telephone appointments are only 10 minutes, it's not possible to discuss everything in one call. That's why I suggest following up on a regular basis so you don't feel forgotten about.