Feeling burnt out, defeated and like my voice is useless.
for a long while now there has been a huge lack of support for mental health (only thing that seems to changed is things have gotten worse with that)
on and off when i can get to see a GP I've tried to talk to them about mental health and other such things. only for me to be brushed off with "for you to last this long your resilient" and "it's just something biological females have to deal with" and WORST of all "your exaggerating things" or "your talking yourself into a depression"
I've been suffering with my depression and anxity for so long i don't even know what it's like to live with out it. i could give you the full back story of when it started but then it would turn into a book that would take a week to read, but i will give you the short airbridge story which is going to be long enough.
i was bullied at school (early 1980s to late 1990s), i suffer with dyslexia as well, and this gave 2 teachers in my primary school an excuse to bully and gas light me back then also. the bullying continued well into my young adult life and when ever i reached out to those who should have been trusted adults i would instead be told off for telling tales or they would confront the bullies with me there making things WORSE. by the time i spoke to my first childhood therapist i had shut down to adults, and had been dealing with threats from my then teacher that if i said anything, they would take me away from my family and lock me up. so i felt like i could not tell my child psychologist and instead started saying "i can't remember" just so i didn't have to talk about it. (i was 8 years old at the time)
This in tern laid down the foundation to make me easy to manipulate and bully in later life. so here I am now about to turn 42, i still have very low self-esteem, still suffer with my dyslexia, and am easily bullied by the DWP of all places, to the point that i suffer with something like PTSD where i have panic attacks and nightmare when ever i have to deal with them, as they left me in a time where i had no money at all, i couldn't get food, pay rent etc (all pre sanction era), and now I'm living with a partner who has problems with his back and mental health issues himself, he managed to get PIP and ESA, where i can't even seem to get a GP to take me seriously when i do get to see them and then thanks to our local council i can't even get to town anymore, i don't drive, i don't think i can even learn to now as i would find it overwhelming, my partner also dosn't drive, moving out isn't an option (to expensive). and the council cut off the public transport in our local area (to save money apparently) which means i now have to face a 2.7mile walk to our nearest bus stop, up a very steep exposed to the elements hill, where i struggle to get up there with the pain in my knee that GPs don't even seem to want to acknowledge either.
Every time i bring this up with people, be it our advocacy agency, the GPs or joe public everyone stars saying and/or acting I'm taking the P and dismiss what is basically our painful reality. I feel like no one ever wants to listen to my words and when i do speak everyone twists my words into meaning something else.
I just feel so down, and defeated by it all, and this is the first time I've opened up anywhere like this. I've just got to the point where i don't even know where to turn anymore. and with PIP and ESA WCA coming up for my partner literally the day after each other and him not being able to get an advocate for him to help him with the WCA and make sure the DWP can't mess him about like they love to do, it's just bringing all the trauma with them back and i find myself stressing about it, getting into low moods and feeling like i can not talk to anyone for continued fear of being misunderstood and brushed aside all over again.
