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Feeling burnt out, defeated and like my voice is useless.

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BlackfoxCadara
BlackfoxCadara Community member Posts: 14 Connected
for a long while now there has been a huge lack of support for mental health (only thing that seems to changed is things have gotten worse with that)
on and off when i can get to see a GP I've tried to talk to them about mental health and other such things. only for me to be brushed off with "for you to last this long your resilient" and "it's just something biological females have to deal with" and WORST of all "your exaggerating things"  or "your talking yourself into a depression" 
I've been suffering with my depression and anxity for so long i don't even know what it's like to live with out it. i could give you the full back story of when it started but then it would turn into a book that would take a week to read, but i will give you the short airbridge story which is going to be long enough.

i was bullied at school (early 1980s to late 1990s), i suffer with dyslexia as well, and this gave 2 teachers in my primary school an excuse to bully and gas light me back then also. the bullying continued well into my young adult life and when ever i reached out to those who should have been trusted adults i would instead be told off for telling tales or they would confront the bullies with me there making things WORSE. by the time i spoke to my first childhood therapist i had shut down to adults, and had been dealing with threats from my then teacher that if i said anything, they would take me away from my family and lock me up. so i felt like i could not tell my child psychologist and instead started saying "i can't remember" just so i didn't have to talk about it. (i was 8 years old at the time)
This in tern laid down the foundation to make me easy to manipulate and bully in later life. so here I am now  about to turn 42, i still have very low self-esteem, still suffer with my dyslexia, and am easily bullied by the DWP of all places, to the point that i suffer with something like PTSD where i have panic attacks and nightmare when ever i have to deal with them, as they left me in a time where i had no money at all, i couldn't get food, pay rent etc (all pre sanction era), and now I'm living with a partner who has problems with his back and mental health issues himself, he managed to get PIP and ESA, where i can't even seem to get a GP to take me seriously when i do get to see them and then thanks to our local council i can't even get to town anymore, i don't drive, i don't think i can even learn to now as i would find it overwhelming, my partner also dosn't drive, moving out isn't an option (to expensive). and the council cut off the public transport in our local area (to save money apparently) which means i now have to face a 2.7mile walk to our nearest bus stop, up a very steep exposed to the elements hill, where i struggle to get up there with the pain in my knee that GPs don't even seem to want to acknowledge either.
Every time i bring this up with people, be it our advocacy agency, the GPs or joe public everyone stars saying and/or acting I'm taking the P and dismiss what is basically our painful reality. I feel like no one ever wants to listen to my words and when i do speak everyone twists my words into meaning something else.
I just feel so down, and defeated by it all, and this is the first time I've opened up anywhere like this. I've just got to the point where i don't even know where to turn anymore. and with PIP and ESA WCA coming up for my partner literally the day after each other and him not being able to get an advocate for him to help him with the WCA and make sure the DWP can't mess him about like they love to do, it's just bringing all the trauma with them back and i find myself stressing about it, getting into low moods and feeling like i can not talk to anyone for continued fear of being misunderstood and brushed aside all over again.

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  • Albus_Scope
    Albus_Scope Posts: 4,729 Scope online community team
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    Hi @BlackfoxCadara, thank you for opening up and sharing, I know that can't have been an easy thing to do, but it really does show a lot of courage and strength. 

    Have you thought about talking to someone like Samaritans, or MIND? I know I've offered other support on other discussions, but I feel here, your mental health is the most important part and it could help if you had an outlet to talk to someone with no judgments? 
    Albus (he/him)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

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  • BlackfoxCadara
    BlackfoxCadara Community member Posts: 14 Connected
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    you did and thank you for that.
    i did reach out to talkworks for some CBT, and i still keep a mood diary, but the problem i still have is  thing that when i literally talk to people be it on phone or face to face and what have you i can't SPEAK it out i just kinda shut down again (old defence I've never been able to shift). But i will say this as i don't want folks worrying. even though I've had dark thoughts sometimes, I've so far managed to keep myself going by reminding myself of those that still need me and that deleting myself would only let "them" win (the Them is Figurative, its a thing just to give my mind a way to work though) 
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Scope Member Posts: 52,417 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @BlackfoxCadara a welcome from me 
    I'm so dismayed by the actions of your so called teachers, that were meant to offer support, but did the opposite. Sounds like you've had a tough hand dealt in life.
    Well you've come to the right place here, no one here will make you feel a less of a person, its very supportive. 
    Do you think it might be worth changing drs, as yours seem as hopeless as chocolate teapot. Or is there another Dr in your practice. 
    With transport, in my area there is a ring and ride service, where you book day before and its door to door service. Would it be worth googling in your area, to see if that service or one simular is available. 
    If not it might be worth emailing one of your councillors about it.
    I hope to see you joining in on the forum.
  • BlackfoxCadara
    BlackfoxCadara Community member Posts: 14 Connected
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    sadly sandy our version of ring and ride is a once a week bus, and the times are so early in a morning I'd be lucky if I'm up and out of bed and had time for a cuppa and meds before it's time. 

    as for Drs, the next one i could move to is even farther away and harder to get to. I think half my problem with them is attending appointments (they don't like to do over the phone ones where they might need to do health check ups first) and then i think they are so over worked that it's creating an apathy in them because they themselves are burning out.

    That said, i have spoken to a newer young Dr recently. he seemed to understand that i wanted to talk but just could not get the words to come out. so he wants me to write it down as best i can and e-mail it to him if i can't get there in person, or print it out and give it to him.
    So I'll see where we go from there. he seems much better than some of the older Drs at mental health so far.
    One thing is for sure i always come out of these burn out moments fighting, it's like i need to rally myself and then pick up the load again. which for now i am. as I'm not going to annoy the heck out of our MPs and councillors having found a few other folks are also cut off because they to can not drive for all kinds of reasons. 
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Scope Member Posts: 52,417 Disability Gamechanger
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    Ohh that sounds promising with the young Dr, writing it down will be so much better for you, well done him for understanding your difficulty. 

    You are sounding very positive. Good luck with the Dr. Shame about the transport though 
    Maybe get on line signatures in your area and drop it at the councils door on line.

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