Finding the special person

66Mustang

Sorry for the long thread, it's just some rambling that I have written, I haven't really proof read / edited it so it might not read very well

For the last couple of months I have been upset beyond what I can explain in words, as a result of being so lonely. I get really distressed and tearful most days. I have sort of felt this way for years but it’s really acute for the last couple of months. I am constantly surrounded by family yet I feel incredibly alone

I feel like I desperately need someone really special outside of my family that’s like a best friend who I can share my life with, and we can understand and support each other, and be there for one another. The physical aspects of a relationship are not the main thing for me and comes later if at all, I recently learnt there is a word for that which is Demisexual

I keep having doubts that I am not a nice person because no one wants to be with me, but then looking at it logically this is probably because I can’t get out to meet people - I have never had anyone say they don’t want me just as I have never had anyone say they do, because I have hardly ever met anyone  

I really don’t like being arrogant but I think it’s necessary to explain … I believe if I think about it properly, I am an OK person. I think I am philosophical and reasonably intelligent, good morals, respectful and gentle and never aggressive. I am far from perfect and have some “dark” traits but then I think everyone does

Something that I think lets me down, not that I think it matters hugely but I am aware it does play a part, is my appearance - up until a few months ago I was overweight and also didn’t care about or look after my appearance however I am working hard on both of those things, I have lost over 4 stone in 6 months and am trying hard to take care of my physical appearance now

If anyone has any suggestions as to how someone like me is able to find someone, I would be really grateful to hear it.

Also I know no one can give a definite answer but I feel like I would really like to know now whether there is no hope of me ever finding someone. I would happily wait 10 years for the right person but would want to know if it will be never because at least if I knew then I could get things over with now rather than live in a combination of misery and empty hope and have to endure another 40-50 years like this

I have been meaning to ask this for a few weeks but I felt hesitant to share sensitive things on a public area because the majority of people will read and click away. I also have found people to not be empathetic with my problem, and then I get upset as it feels like I am being told to snap out of it. In their defence perhaps the majority are unsupportive because most people have never had this problem so find it hard to have empathy. But I decided it is worth a punt as I have always received helpful answers on this forum before so am hoping that some people will share their thoughts

Thanks if anyone has any advice, suggestions, thoughts, experiences or anything else

Kimmy87

Oh I can relate, took me 20 years to find a relationship which then lasted less than 5 months.
9 months later I've found fun exploring my sexuality, maybe not as often as I'd like but that 
does make me happy and fairly satisfied, but I really miss being part of a couple. 

It's hard to find people who understand, either they've been in one relationship for decades or tell me I must be happy alone/with myself like some kind of cult member (sorry but that's how those people make me feel). 

On a personal level for several reasons I am happier and more confident with myself than I have ever been in my entire life (I'm 36). 

That doesn't mean I have to be happy single and it's perfectly okay for me to feel the way I do!

I'm not actively looking for a relationship, it takes too much of a toll on my mental health, I'm totally open to finding another one but honestly given my track record none too hopeful that it will happen. And at times that is hard to deal with. 

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @66Mustang

This read well and I am so glad you shared I'm sorry to hear you've been so upset by it, I hope you know we are here to support   

You said you want to meet more people but find it difficult to. Are there any local groups that match your interest you could join? I'm thinking it could be a great starting point. Or even with your family, join in at the local pub quiz? 

66Mustang

Thanks for the responses everyone, they mean more than I can say and have actually bucked me up a little bit.

I need to be in the right frame of mind to respond properly but I intend and promise to write a more detailed reply to each of the posts individually in the near future

Thanks again

Biblioklept

66Mustang said:

I keep having doubts that I am not a nice person because no one wants to be with me, but then looking at it logically this is probably because I can’t get out to meet people - I have never had anyone say they don’t want me just as I have never had anyone say they do, because I have hardly ever met anyone  

You've hit the nail on the head here (if that's the right expression!), you're great you just haven't met a lot of people yet
I don't have much advice but my brother-in-law's dad just got engaged last month. He's 78 and been with his partner for just over a year. I'm not saying you'll have to wait until you're almost 80 to find your person, but it shows it can happen at any age and any time

JessieJ

Many years ago, I was with a super guy, a right softy. He proposed & I said no. Never got my head around that & nor did anyone else. Anyway, a year later, I had my accident, once surgeries were over & I knew how life would be, thoughts went to my reply to him & I'm so glad I said no. His life would have been so different, he went on to find someone else, thank goodness.

Me, I went from being gregarious, out going & fun loving to not! I stopped going out totally, as people couldn't accept what had happened & treated me differently, which I hated & any confidence I had, disappeared. So, not going out, no chance of meeting other people & the thought of joining a group or something, well, I couldn't do it & still can't. I miss that I don't & won't ever have someone to snuggle up to on a cold winter's night, but have accepted it.

You're young, @66Mustang, you sound like a lovely guy & you have strength, you're now taking care of yourself. Losing all that weight is some mean feat, well done you! Now, try & take steps to go out, where you can meet people, pursue any interests you have where you can meet folk that share those interests. Keep an open mind, it won't be never if you can get some confidence to get yourself out there & live. They only have to be little steps then you'll grow.

66Mustang

Thanks again for all the posts including the new ones. Sorry for taking a few days to reply properly to everyone, it takes me a while to psych myself to respond to the more serious topics and I need to be in the right place to be able to do it.

@woodbine thanks for the kind words about the weight. I guess that is a really good point that I might meet someone when I least expect it, as it can happen anywhere and at any time

@Beaver79 thanks for sharing your story, especially as you say you tend to prefer to be more private on here, I really appreciate you going out of your comfort zone and sharing for my benefit. I’m very sorry about your first husband, as well as the other health challenges that came along, though glad to hear that you got through it together and that things are on the up now. That is also good advice about finding a really good friend before thinking about a relationship.

@Kimmy87 thank you for posting. You have written quite a lot that I can really relate to! I too find most people don’t understand, perhaps ignorantly rather than maliciously, simply as they have no experience.

I definitely am with you r.e. being told “you can be happy alone”. I do totally accept that, for some people, living like that is perfectly OK, and I genuinely hope they live fulfilling and happy lives. However it’s not for me and never will be. I’d never try to “convert” them into desiring a partner, same as I’d expect them not to attempt to “convert” me into wanting to be alone!

I’m really glad you are at an all time high with your confidence and happiness and really hope you do find someone. As the others have said they may pop into your life when you least expect them to!

@Hannah_Scope there is actually a group near me which is open to a broad spectrum of people but described generally as anyone who is “neurodiverse or gender-diverse” which maybe would be a great thing for me to do if I could gather the confidence to go! I imagine there would be a lot of people there who I could relate to in some ways.

@Biblioklept thanks for the lovely words and that’s really great to hear about your relative!! Good for them!

@JessieJ wow that’s quite a story and you seem to look at it from an incredibly selfless point of view…I really appreciate the encouragement and what you say could happen with me actually sounds plausible! I am sorry to hear how your accident affected your life in so many ways apart from the obvious but, if I can say, maybe if you take a leaf out of your own book there is still every chance you will still find someone for you!!

Thanks again everyone

JessieJ

66Mustang said:

@JessieJ wow that’s quite a story and you seem to look at it from an incredibly selfless point of view…I really appreciate the encouragement and what you say could happen with me actually sounds plausible! I am sorry to hear how your accident affected your life in so many ways apart from the obvious but, if I can say, maybe if you take a leaf out of your own book there is still every chance you will still find someone for you!!

Cheers, @66Mustang, quite amazed I actually tapped that out on here.

I'm actually used to my life solo now, burnt the book & getting on a bit, I really don't need an 'other half'. The only someone in my future will have fur, 4 legs & a waggy tail, that is the companionship I need & want in my life. 

You mentioned a group near you, that would be a great start, if you can get some confidence together, it would be your ideal first step. Go for it, Mustang! 

Hannah_Alumni

@66Mustang I hope you do! I'm of the mindset that it doesn't hurt to try but know it can take a while to get there. Does the group have online meetings to help build your confidence? 

66Mustang

@Hannah_Scope they do have a page on social media, FaceBook or Instagram or one of those sites but I have never used any sites like that before but I guess it might be worth signing up one day if I feel up to it. For all the bad things about social media I am well aware that a lot of positive things happen on social media nowadays and I am probably missing out on a lot!

Positively, I have a support worker - I am no longer seeing them but can go back if I ever need to - they offered to accompany me there on the first meeting so I don't have to walk in alone. Maybe would be worth taking them up on that!!

Thanks again

Hannah_Alumni

That sounds like a plan! I bet it would be nice to see them again. Please keep us updated  

dylan89

Anyone have any tips on finding the right person for me with someone who has borderline learning difficulties and borderline personality disorder 

TommyUK

dylan89 said:

Anyone have any tips on finding the right person for me with someone who has borderline learning difficulties and borderline personality disorder 

Hey Dylan,

Finding the right person to spend time with when you have borderline learning difficulties and borderline personality disorder can be a challenging task, but it's important to prioritise your well-being and seek out relationships that are healthy and supportive. Here are some tips that may help you in your search:

1. Seek Support: Consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in working with individuals with borderline personality disorder. They can help you navigate relationships, set boundaries, and build healthy communication skills.

2. Join Support Groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide you with a sense of community and support. Online forums, local support groups, or therapy groups may be helpful in finding understanding and empathy from others.

3. Take Your Time: Building relationships takes time, so be patient with yourself and others as you get to know each other. Focus on building trust and communication to establish a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

4. Communicate Your Needs: Be open and honest with potential partners about your learning difficulties and borderline personality disorder. Communication is key in any relationship, and setting boundaries and expressing your needs can help ensure that both you and your partner are on the same page.

5. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritise self-care and well-being in your own life before seeking out a relationship. Take time to practice self-love, engage in activities that bring you joy, and prioritise your mental health to build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

Remember, it's okay to take your time and be selective in choosing who you spend your time with. Focus on building relationships that are supportive, understanding, and nurturing of your unique needs and challenges.