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Am I in the wrong?

rubin16 Community member, Scope Member Posts: 762 Disability Gamechanger

So I have this friend I met while I was an inpatient at hospital and while in hospital together became really good friends and went for walks out and chatted each day. I got discharged in January but they had to stay in hospital to await being put in a flat (as they were homeless). Since coming out of hospital I have had my friend round most days however they started drinking heavily each and everyday and would come round and just drink at my flat and go back to hospital drunk.(I don't drink or very very rarely drink).

This is where the problems started they would spend all their money on drink, and would constantly ask me to borrow money sometimes never paying it back. He even ended up losing the flat they offered him as they told him he couldn't drink and he drank. He seems to know when I get paid too as I have only just been paid today and yet 2 texts messages and a phone call this morning and hes asking for money again. I have a problem with saying no to people and being a people pleaser as I have RSD and don't like conflict so will often just say yes and hand out money to people. But people take advantage over me and have done over the years and hence why I am having psychology to avoid this in future.

However I have started to become distant with them, as I feel like they are just using me or taking advantage of me. So I have started ignoring texts and phone calls and only replying when I can find a good solution. I just feel like I am not helping them if I do give them money or invite them round as all they do is spend it on drink and then end up drunk all the time.

I just feel like I don't need a friend like this in my life, but its the only friend I have who I meet in person. Am I in the wrong?

I have Autism, ADHD, Schizophrenia, Gilberts Syndrome and Crohn's Disease and have knowledge in these areas.


  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,920 Disability Gamechanger
    edited May 24

    Only you can answer this really, but I would ask yourself if he would still be your friend if you had no money?

    If the answer is "no" then maybe you're better off not seeing him, at least for now - you have the option of pausing your friendship until he stops doing the bad stuff

    The choice is yours though, you have to decide if you want to support him through this time (maybe not financially though) or whether he is not receptive to support in which case maybe the idea of avoiding him is wiser

  • Steve_in_The_City
    Steve_in_The_City Scope Member Posts: 626 Pioneering

    @rubin16 You have to be wary and you have to know how to say "no".

  • onedayatatime
    onedayatatime Community member Posts: 127 Pioneering

    I'm sorry @rubin16 , I have very little knowledge of RSD but this 'friendship' does not sound like a positive one. I think your gut instinct is telling you that this person may be trying to take advantage of you and that's not how true friendship works.

    It sounds like, in my opinion, that professional support has been offered to your friend, but at this time, they are not in the right place to accept it. Perhaps by allowing them to visit daily and paying for their drinking is actually taking them further away from the point of accepting the help they need. I'm sure you have done everything with the very best intentions, but this sounds like it is now impacting you in ways you do not want. That must feel very disappointing. I'm sorry that it's happened, but I don't think either of you are benefiting positively from the relationship as it sounds.

    We have had quite a few incidents in our area of what the police term 'cuckooing'. By no way do I want to alarm you and no way am I implying this is the situation you find yourself.

    Friendships should be enjoyable experiences and this just sounds a bit more one sided and not something where you are feeling comfortable.

  • Scrumptious67
    Scrumptious67 Community member Posts: 51 Pioneering

    @rubin16 I'm sorry you're having this experience and do appreciate how difficult it can be to set clear boundaries with people especially when you thought it was a mutual friendship. I agree with what has already been said, sadly this person is taking advantage of your good will.

    They are clearly in need of some professional intervention and have probably already been in receipt of it if they were detoxed in hospital then placed in a flat. This is not your responsibility and you will not fix it for them, they have to make that decision for themselves. The best you can do is provide them with local support contacts, set clear boundaries with them and move on. There is nothing to say you can't be friends once they are clean but you need to take care of yourself first. All the best.

  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Scope Member Posts: 55,477 Disability Gamechanger

    Hi @rubin that's a hard one isn't it. Personally he's using you to fund his addiction. Ask yourself what you get from this friendship and weigh it up. Try stop giving him money

  • OverlyAnxious
    OverlyAnxious Community member Posts: 2,778 Disability Gamechanger

    Could you suggest going with them to a local AA meeting? That may help give them some perspective on how it's affecting you as well as them.

  • Biblioklept
    Biblioklept Community member Posts: 4,948 Disability Gamechanger

    Aww @rubin16, absolutely not!!! You are not in the wrong at all! What a sucky position for you to be in and I totally understand it as I'm a HUUUGEEEE people pleaser too, and know I'd have difficulty saying no as well. I find it incredibly hard to say no to anything!!! I can't give any advice as I'd probably just shut down and ignore them, which isn't healthy and eats away at me 😅

    Do you think you've got the sort of relationship where you could be sort of honest with them? Like not in a moment when they're asking for money, but approaching them and saying that you're concerned about them and that they seem to be drinking a lot and struggling for money? You could then explain you're not in a position to help them with it any more as your finances have changed, BUT you could help them talk to citizen's advice or something to get their own finances in order??

    That way you know you've done your best, and everything you can do to help, and if they can't or won't accept it, well that's on them! ❤️

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