Manners

66Mustang

That's awful @JessieJ but I think you did the right thing

My Dad experienced similar a few times. He's get the train to work every day when he was in the police because a perk is you can use public transport for free, even when off duty, but you are expected to help out if trouble happens

He once had a pair threaten violence when asked to stop acting offensively, they pointed out that there was one of him, my Dad turned round to look at the carriage, remembering there were half a dozen blokes, but they'd all buggered off …

It's funny how only a minority are actually willing stand up for what's right, but I'm still glad most people do still see what's right by smiling at you and stuff

My Dad ended up bluffing and saying he's happy to have people waiting at the next station when the train stops (wouldn't have been possible) but fortunately they calmed down 🙄

Steve_in_The_City

I was dragged up to be well mannered and generally I find people are well mannered. Good manners cost nothing. It makes the other person feel comfortable and valued, and when you acknowledge a little kindness - like someone stopping for you at a Zebra Crossing and you give a little wave to say thanks - you always get a wave back! It makes everyone happy. Good manners are also vital in social situations because you understand the art of etiquette and everyone knows how to behave. This is important to me because I am inwardly quite shy and good manners tell me me how to behave and what to expect. For this reason I prefer formal environments but I am quite happy in my local pub as everyone is friendly and well behaved.

Years ago I had a consultancy right opposite the RNIB building in Bloomsbury. One day I was coming home from work and I encountered a blind man waiting to cross the road at a Little Green Man crossing. I knew nothing about being disabled so I asked him very politely if I could assist him across the road. (I did not know that blind people can cross the road safely on a Little Green Man crossing). He turned towards me and said "I'm effing blind mate, not effing deaf. I can hear the effing signal." By effing I mean the actual f word! So I said "I do apologise" and went on my way. But I thought to myself if ever I become disabled and anyone should offer to help me, even if I don't need help I will be polite. I always say to people who want to help me "thanks, but I am fine. Thank you for asking" but they always help anyway!

You don't have to have your manners perfectly correct. So long as you do what you can to make the other person comfortable, then I think you have done well.

66Mustang

@Steve_in_The_City I think you raise a good point there. For me someone’s intent is everything. If they are attempting to be polite, but don’t quite manage to come across that way, that’s appreciated by me. I’m not saying I’m right but that’s my take on it

I always try to be polite but with my autism and things I often come across as rude, opposite to you though I actually struggle at formal events more as there’s more expectation and pressure I find, but everyone’s different!!

I guess the simple way of saying what I mean is “make an effort” and that’s appreciated by most

Steve_in_The_City

@66Mustang You are quite right: Just make an effort. People will appreciate it.

Amaya_Ringo

That reminded me of the lovely guy at St Pancras station when I had to travel to Paris for an academic thingummy, back when I was studying. I told him that I had problems navigating and so needed to be pointed through security so I didn't get lost/miss a step/miss my train. And he did help with this, but then proceeded to explain the entire security process in minute detail…which was lovely and helpful except I knew that bit, and there were other people waiting.

But I do feel like people who try in the right spirit to give support shouldn't be shouted at. You want them to make the right decision to try and help the next time around.

There's a big difference between someone who tries hard to help but gets it a bit wrong and someone who just takes over and decides to act for you even if you don't want them to.

As an autistic person, I find this is the complicated part as my autism massively impacts my logistics, navigation, and so on. But I've learned to mask so well in social situations mostly people don't pick it up. I've had lots of conversations with people randomly mentioning their autistic relatives without ever knowing I have autism too. But then when you actually need help..

For example, some kids on a bus last May, fortunately not in my local area, who decided to make nuisances of themselves to everyone, particularly a couple of other teenage girls and me. They were hitting people with a balloon and shouting offensive things. I was definitely old enough to be their mother, but I often confuse people because I don't look my age, so maybe they thought I was younger than I was. But that kind of thing is really traumatic for me to deal with. I tend to internalise my reaction to things, rather than externally meltdown (survival skill learned in school as an undiagnosed autistic kid) but I was shaking when I got off that bus.

66Mustang

@Amaya_Ringo

I'm not saying this is the case with you but your post made me think of something

I guess intent is what matters when it comes to potential negative intent as well as positive intent

I find lots of things offensive and upsetting and distress me for hours or days afterwards. However lots of these things are subjects that are not considered upsetting by society. I accept this is down to my issues and it's not reasonable of me to expect people to censor what to most people is an OK thing to say, just for my own personal benefit

I don't know if I'm right or not, maybe I should ask people not to say innocent things that upset me?? I just think I'd feel awkward or bad for making that request if that makes sense

Amaya_Ringo

No, I experience that too, and the feeling that society isn't seeing the same world as I do. And I've learned to deal with that because you are never going to get society to see that same world. I see it as 50% of my autism is my problem and 50% society's barriers, and I'll deal with my 50% because nobody else can understand it anyway.

I think I pick my battles as much as possible with things that maybe can be changed. Not sure if this applies to you, but I am super sensitive to both confrontation and to atmosphere, so if people are arguing around me it's going to affect me and I am going to back out of that situation rather than get involved. It makes me annoyed with myself often because like most autistic people I see when something isn't right and it eats me up inside wanting to protest it, but at the same time I'm aware that the long term negatives of fighting that thing are going to override the benefit of getting it fixed.

The exception being my PIP claim, which I had to see through despite it causing so many health issues and stress issues and life issues and basically sabotaging my future career prospects by taking up a year of my degree where I should have been doing other things but couldn't because I didn't have the time or mental energy on top of my studies to deal with it. It was a battle I picked to fight but I still have residual trauma from it and any letter or communication from the DWP causes a panic response even though my last review went all right.

So yeah, I know what you're saying. A negative interaction with a person who might not even think about it again can definitely lurk and linger for days afterwards. It gets me how people still present autistic folk as blocks of wood when most of us are dealing with hyperemotion of some kind on a daily basis.

With what I said above, I'm also talking more about the awareness that if someone needs help, then they are able to ask for it and get it without someone rebuffing them as 'you don't need it'. Been there a few times.