Me versus depression (long mega rant)

Tiramisu

Hi, I did my intro post yesterday and said I would post something in the mental health section. Et voila. Welcome to my personal rant about depression. It’ll likely be a long read, feel free to back out now.

What, in my case, is so horrible about depression? The person it turned me into and who I then remained to be for too long. I used to be the person who would be the livewire in a social setting or the workplace, happy, confident, tad flirty, well-dressed, the entertainer type I guess. I’d always be working in new cities, far from home and I used to have a phonebook of friends and despite not being a drinker I’d never say no to anything social.

That peak was 20 years ago and since then depression and anxiety have become a norm for me until recently anyway. I wish I could rewind time to snap myself out of it but hey, this’ll have to do. I’m not saying I have beat depression, far from it. I feel like I have become weirdly consciously aware of it and quite angry towards it.

What I mean is this, and the opposite of two paragraphs up, I do a decent job which is becoming more and more awkward by the week (worst boss ever and I’m falling behind), I am rarely happy, have confidence issues, single and the thought of dating is daunting and I wear stuff I have owned for many years. That’s quite the difference of the person mentioned two paragraphs up isn’t it?

My point is, measurably, over time, friendships fade, or, I stop replying (and then when I get the onus to do so it’s too late / too awkward). I have casually watched good friendships and some relationships fade and terminate, how bad is that? I stopped being, erm… me.

Depression has eaten away at me. It has robbed me, deprived me. It has convinced me to be someone I never even was. It wanted me to say No to a lot of things. Offers of going out, offers of going away on holiday, always being so ready to drop a (believable) excuse to just not go, to erm, stay in instead!?!? And not just that, but, sometimes partake in smoking something naughty, which I do not advocate (and eliminated). The two went hand in hand, depression sure loved that pastime.

But woe isn’t me.

I feel motivated lately, like I have turned a corner. I have rediscovered my fight. I feel analytical / introspective and also unapologetic toward changes (all positive) I have made in my personal life and health. I have been through the mill and on my own journey and I hope this isn’t patronising but my findings are:

• Depression changed me negatively as a person
• It zapped my drive, my ambition, my outputs
• It merged and accelerated the passing of time (while I…)
• …minimised my functionality by seeing me hide away from the world
• Then allowing that to be a norm that has persisted too long!

Example? Come March / April time, every Fri night I would close the work laptop and spend weekends in bed dreading the next Monday. People started noticing (my readiness for an excuse), then I realised – yeah this isn’t right is it?

Well F that. And whilst depression will come back, peaks n troughs etc, I’m ready for it. I will try to but… next time a real trough comes, I will remember the last one, that the black clouds it brought did go away / that it's cyclical etc. How long til blue skies I’ll wonder. Is there anything I can do, no matter how small, to inch-by-inch blow those clouds a bit further away… etc.

There are so many types of depression and states that we get ourselves in to. We cannot help it and you are not to blame for it. If you are reading this, you are not alone. I don’t have the answers, I speak above on two decades worth of oblivion, coming to the point of please, don’t let this condition keep you down too. Please talk more to people, less internalising of everything. Depression speeds up time, let’s not lose your time like I did mine. Muster any fight you can because the person you are, deep-down, is more powerful than the person that depression wants you to be. F that too.

Damn, I am sorry this is long. Peace and love to you. F depression!

Rosie_Scope

Thanks for sharing your story @Tiramisu. I know lots of members will have been through similar things, so I'm sure they'll find it helpful to read through your post. Depression is one heck of a rollercoaster, but I'm glad to hear you're feeling more motivated at the moment and have made some positive changes. I hope it continues, it sounds like you've got some good strategies in place if things start getting tough 😊

Jimm_Alumni

Hey @Tiramisu, it's a long post, but I think it's as long as it needed to be. I think it takes a lot of strength to open up like this. I've been through that trough, more so with my Crohns than my mental health but a bit of both still. I almost let the Crohn's beat me, but now I'm doing much better. I'm certainly not letting it make me someone I'm not.

Thank you, really, thank you. I'm sure your words resonate with a lot of people here, not just me.

Tiramisu

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/888960#Comment_888960

Hi Jimm,

Thanks I just thought I’d press enter and not worry as to the length of the post. Chrohns is horrible but I’m not personally experienced with it, although separately, one of my closest friends has UC and her debilitating pain and symptoms are horrific. She spends her life limiting triggers especially dietary but it’s never enough. Her work especially adds to her flare ups. Pain meds don’t touch it, and opiate based upgrades just risk gastro turmoil further.

I am glad to see that you are doing better than before we e-met. Keep it up and battle hardened for the next trough.

I’m kind of evolving as a person, belatedly accepting my conditions and that they are part of me. Our conditions don’t define us though.

But then I’m still me and you’re still you. It is the person underneath it all, in all of us, that defines who we are. I’ve got to get better at being me, rather than the depressed me, but feel like I’m moving in the right direction.

:)

Jimm_Alumni

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/889034#Comment_889034

I'm sorry to hear about your friend with UC. It really is debilitating. I got lucky in that I finally found a medication that helped me go into remission. Plus, I accepted the Crohn's.

This part of what you said really resonates with me

I’m kind of evolving as a person, belatedly accepting my conditions and that they are part of me. Our conditions don’t define us though.

I struggled most with my Crohn's when I was 'rejecting' it. Trying to pretend it didn't exist.

I'm glad to hear you feel like you're moving in the right direction.

Thank you for this post, really, it's put a smile on my face.

Tiramisu

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/889037#Comment_889037

Your smile makes me smile.

Positivity on a Monday eh well that’ll do nicely. See you around Jimm!