Autistic partner, struggling with clash of needs

smileysun

hey everyone,

I hope you are all okay! I’m really having issues currently with my ridgidity and need for routine. It’s mostly surrounding morning, I have to have at least eight hours sleep! Which is very annoying because my boyfriend can manage with 6 hours just fine, which im super jealous of!

the problem is when we sleep in the same bed, if we go to bed late ( for example at 3am ) he wants to get up at nine am and will be wide awake! But him being awake is waking me up, and then I feel as though I’m keeping him waiting :(

I’ve explained this to him and he said that sometimes when he wakes up he has bursts of energy and going on his phone and doing work is a good way to get this out of his system, then generally he will go back to sleep, which is fine. The problem is I’m a very light sleeper so once I hear him awake it wakes me up, and it derails my entire day because without sleep my executive functioning and everything else goes to pot! And I’m half a person.

He’s very caring and open and he wants to work through these things with me, so this isn’t an issue at all. It’s just because we both struggle to communicate sometimes we’re uncertain about how to tackle this issue so that we both come out unscathed!

The other issue is that sometimes we just need space, space to just be and think and daydream and just not have to worry about being there and being mindful somewhere else, to switch of our hectic brains! However he doesn’t know when he needs space nor does he know how to ask for it, without it raising concern in his head that he’s worried we’re not connected anymore or that perhaps were ’ drifting ‘ because we’re very capable of spending hours together without issue, the problem is it’s burning us both out, I know when I need time alone and when I’d like to go and read a book, but he always seems disheartened at this suggestion :( and like he’s unsure what he would do with his time.

So then I get into meltdown territory and say well I struggle to organise my time so I’d have issues organising yours too :( and then there’s so many things to consider that I don’t feel comfortable taking care of my own needs because I’m constantly wondering if he is okay, I just need to find a solution so that we can both communicate what we need, both know we need space without him thinking we’re falling apart.

This is his first relationship, it is my fourth. It’s the happiest I have ever been, we work together so well and we both share lots of things and similarities and we very much enjoy eachothers company, but this has become an issue because now that change from this to space, is freaking him out, he’s very open to suggestions and if I said let’s do x y and z he would do it, the issue is I don’t know how to communicate this to him or what to suggest so it’s leaving me overwhelmed and then I think I’m terrible at relationships, I spiral and want to shut down and I spend the night in my own bed :(

he’s so wonderful and a very good listener so I am not for one second putting any blame on him, I just wish I could communicate better :( so any suggestions would be ever so appreciated:

If you read this far, thankyou so much you’re a true saint!

Love

R

Albus_Scope

Heya @smileysun that sounds like you're both aware of everything and are trying to do things that will benefit both of you, so you're doing the right thing and I'm glad to hear you're both so happy, that really warms my heart. ❤️
I had nights where I had to sleep in the spare room, due to my ex rolling in her sleep and me being a very light sleeper. So we decided to compromise. As two tired people are usually two grumpy people. So if I knew I had a lot to do the next day, I'd sleep in the spare room, but we'd still chat by text for a bit. I didn't even know I was autistic at the time!

It sounds like your partner's pretty worried about rejection? Which is totally understandable if it's their first proper relationship, so it's all one huge learning experience right now. Communication will always be the key here, so I think you just need to find some way of being able to discuss things without anyone getting that fear. Which certainly isn't easy to do, but it IS doable. have you tried writing things down as a letter, then you can read each others? Of course with neurodiversity comes rejection sensitivity dysphoria, so there may always be a bit of hurt, but it will pass and you both know ultimately talking about those things will be a good thing. 😊

Have you noticed the burnout/meltdown starts to rear it's head after a certain amount of time? You could always do a weird anti date night, where you just both go off and do things by yourselves. Like a solo self care evening or something?

Autism_at_40

Hello,

I understand with the sleep issue, I too am a light sleeper, if I wake up after only a couple of hours sleep, I am awake for HOURS, it's really bad. Plus, the need for at least 8 hours is definitely a must.

Have you tried to just reassure him that the need for time apart is like the need to eat for example, it's a necessity and doesn't mean you are rejecting him? It might help to just reassure him of that. You could try topping that with, arranging to do something together after you have had your space?

I hope it works out for you.