School problem son age 9

Laura Bradshaw

We had parents evening last week

We're so frustrated, angry, disappointed and sad.

I wish I could play it back to you from my head... to show you our sons face, the hurt, the upset and the frustration... the overwhelm and just ... I can't put into words...

We recently got a private adhd diagnosis for him.

This was partly due to waiting lists after waiting since he was 5 he's now 9 and partly the fact the school was so dismissive that we couldn't do a nhs diagnosis as they prioritise the schoola opinion. We got used multiple other secondary sources.

Tutors, swim school, activies, childcare and friends and family who care for him some of which are SEND trained or have been on ASD and ADHD support courses. They recognised adhd in him the first three actually asked us if he was diagnosed or on the pathway.

We have written to the school a lot over our concerns , over the support we would like for him etc

We were dismissed, ignored, patronised etc..

It's been exhausting..

The last two weeks of term he got the diagnosis and we let the school know in writing. We didn't get a reply. I emailed 3 times after that asking for a acknowledgement. The last few days they finally emailed back and said yes they received it but nothing more. No mention of meetings or the next steps.

After the summer holidays we gave them a week abd nothing was said to us I was about to email and ask them why when our sons teacher said she was wanting to put things in place to help him we thought yes! Finally! Getting somewhere...

The next day she said the head of sendco said they will not do anything without proof of diagnosis.

I wanted to scream as that's against send policy against legislation as once needs are identified they are supposed to support diagnosis or not.

I have been trying to word a letter right since...

So yesterday we have parents evening and the teacher has had a massive step back again...

She's saying that she's hesitant to do anything like ear defenders and other support because she feels since his diagnosis he is worse and playing on it and using it to excuse behaviour and not wanting to do things...

She sited when he uses ear defenders he is then distracted by things around the room and movement. I wanted to scream into the void because of course if you remove sound overwhelm he will focus on visual you need to help him with both and help focus him... that's obvious how is that not obvious I felt crazy I tried to explain this is a not rude way but I couldn't beleive what I was hearing.

They then listed a bunch of " behaviours" which were unmet needs that had gotten worse or he didn't do in school before diagnosis. We wanted to scream as these were always things with him that everywhere else saw but them. They were trying to blame this on the diagnosis and him playing on it and whilst there will be a element to this as he adjusts and navigates this it's not him using adhd as a excuse its him unmasking at school we have had conversations about him not pretending in school anymore and letting them know when he is struggling so he can learn better and be happier.

He has been exhausted when he's been getting home from holding it all in and crying because he wasn't coping.

It's so upsetting. He had a outburst whilst there over a PE activity he's not coping with and they were trying to persuade him to do and we said this is a big thing for him. They said they wouldn't make him but they told him off for showing how overwhelmed it made him and called it a rude, naughty behaviour and lectured him it tool everything in me to not talk over them becuase I disagreed and they were deeply upsetting our son my husband walked off with our youngest pretending to sort them because it upset him too.

She listed off so many things that had explanations that she called behaviours that 'started 'when he was diagnosed...

There is a well documented adjust period with diagnosis regardless of whether they were masking before or not

It was so utterly devastating not surprising but urgh...

Our son was tearing up and as soon as we were out our son was fighting back tears and struggling

We got to the back of the school and I gave him a massive hug and told him that we are on his side that the teachers do not understand, it's not his fault its not him and is ok. We've Ben trying to build him up and show him since.

We told him we are upset and angry at the school not him this is not his fault.

I was ready to send the letter but now I need to re think Ill send diagnosis letter and write a separate letter.

The teacher said once we give the proof of diagnosis they will call us in for a meeting to see what help they should offer but she's concerned the diagnosis has set him back...

I am just compleatly lost and overwhelmed I'm adhd myself so I'm just ahhh

In our minds we need to make short term actions to now and have a think about long term...

The other schools in the area are known worse for send, we are considering home ed

I'm sitting here just feeling ****

I just don't know what to say to these people…its just mind boggling

Bluebell21

Hello @Laura Bradshaw Have you heard of IPSEA they might be able to help you.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk

Sandy_123

Hi @Laura Bradshaw I can feel how frustrating that is for you as I have a grandson who is waiting for diagnosis, but his school has been good and put things into place without a diagnosis.

Adrian_Scope

Hello @Laura Bradshaw

There were many times in the past I could have written a very similar post myself and I have a lot of experience of schools not taking concerns seriously and being dismissive, even in the face of diagnosis.

One of the most important things I learned is that schools don't even need your child to have a formal diagnosis for them to add your child to the SEN register or offer additional support. Have you met with the school SENDCo at all?

I think expressing your concerns, concisely, in writing, with a request of the support you'd like to see in place for your son, could be really beneficial here.

Bluebell21 has linked IPSEA above, and I know lots of people have found them to be an excellent resource, so do give it a look.

Laura Bradshaw

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/918438#Comment_918438

The sendco is super dismissive andhas already once given support then withdrew without explanation… now they have proof they are still dragging their heels...

Trying to blame the diagnosis and him playing on it saying he dsnt really have those needs he's just playing to the diagnosis :(

I'm dreading meeting with them as they are so dismissive and patronising

Doris_Scope

Doris_Scope

Hi @Laura Bradshaw

It is absolutely heart-breaking to hear you describing the issues that you and your family have been having. This is one of the most common difficulties that we experience with parents. Although I know it doesn't help, you are absolutely not on your own here.

The difficulties with schools are that often they are not aware of the legalities of support. Your son does not need a diagnosis for support. He only needs to demonstrate that he needs more support than other children require.

You have not said where you live and I am pretty sure by the sound of it that he does not have an Educational and Health Care Plan (EHCP) - England, or and Individual Development Plan (IDP) - Wales.

I would definitely have a meeting with the school SENCO, but go in prepared. Also take someone with you for support. If they are saying that they are seeing problems since his diagnosis, that still demonstrates that he needs some support of some kind. It actually sounds as though you are only asking for reasonable adjustments and the school should be using its best endeavours to provide support.

Although you have already been guided to the IPSEA website, sometimes when you are struggling for support, websites can be hard to navigate. It might be worth checking out this IPSEA template letter which is about complaining when the school is not using it's best endeavours to secure special educational provision for a child with SEN.

If the school are now saying they are seeing problems, it does not matter why they have started appearing, they should be moving into the graduated response, where they observe, assess, put strategies and targets in place and then review. This cycle should go on for at least 2-3 terms, being reviewed (with you) at least termly. At the end of the process they will then say whether they can support him with their current SEN budget or need more funding. If they needed more funding this would then lead them down the EHCP or IDP route.

My suggestions would be to organise the meeting, start writing down all of your concerns onto a document ready for the meeting. Take some pen and paper to bed with you in case you think of something in the night and feel you need to remember it (you can just roll over and write it down and then go back to sleep). Take the questions and concerns with you to the meeting, along with your fellow supporter. Stay calm and reasonable but get your concerns across. If they are still not willing to put anything into place, use the template letter as a means of moving things on.

Here is some more information on the graduated response/approach so that you can familiarise yourself with what exactly they should be doing.

For more advice you can contact your local independent advisory service for special education needs. you can find this on your local offer if you are in England. Put your local authority name, followed by the words Local Offer into your search engine and it should come up. If you are in Wales you can contact SNAP Cymru.

I hope this information helps Laura. Good luck. I know the process can be difficult but your son does have rights.

@Doris_Scope

Laura Bradshaw

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/918908#Comment_918908

Thank you they are now seeing problems but they were almost suggesting if we pretend like the diagnosis didn't happen and not have the few adaptions they have done recently then it will fix it and he will go back to how he was

Which was masking! He was doing so much better at home coming home much more ok now they started not doing the adjustments again he's back to deregulation and so upset

I'll look into those thank you

We are so upset having a meeting with them feels like hell becuase they are dismissive and patronising

Doris_Scope

That is why it is so important that you take someone with you for support @Laura Bradshaw.

Meetings about your children are always going to make you anxious, but when it is you and several other professionals across the table, it is so much worse. Someone else there to just hold your hand under the table, speak for you if your are unable and generally keep things calm can really help.

They should be talking to you with respect as much as you talking to them with respect. It works both ways.

Always remember if they refuse to put support in place, you can request an Educational and Health Care assessment yourself, although this can be much harder to get without the evidence that school are able to provide.

I would definitely contact your local advisory service for advice and they can also support you through this.

Take care and look after yourself.

@Doris_Scope

Laura Bradshaw

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/919362#Comment_919362

Thank you we will try but it's hard to find anyone who can as we have few family here and our friends live hours away now :(