Overwhelmed daily alone

Tumilty

Hi, i have suffered with depression & anxiety for as long as i can remember, am an only son who has always known that the time will come when even with my daily anxiety i have to start looking after my parents even though i always have but more so as they get older, they both in their mid 80's & also have a dog that is dying of cancer & it's all getting overwhelming, crying daily.

I try to tranquilize myself up but then the next morning the worry & anxiety just comes flowing back, i dread each day as it's like everyone i love is dying & i am finding it hard to cope alone, friends can't be councillors as they have their own stuff so if it's ok i come here to type my thoughts & feelings.

I tried to overdose a year or so ago when i never thought i would be when it gets unbearable the feelings come back & i understand how people think it's easier than to face another day of it but also i hear of people that when all of the loved ones are gone & they are on their own they can grow & feel free as they only then have themselves..

Rosie_Scope

Hi @Tumilty, sorry to hear you're feeling so overwhelmed. It's hard to watch loved ones get older and struggle with their health, and it's not easy to face losing a beloved pet either. I've sent you an email today, so please look out for that 😊

I know you said your friends all have their lives, but I'm sure they'd want to know if you were struggling so they can offer some support and chat things through with you. Do you think you'd feel up to reaching out to any of them at all?

If that's not an option, I completely understand, sometimes it's not that easy, But I hope the community can be a place where you feel free to talk things through and get some support ❤️

Tumilty

Hi @vikki66 and @Rosie_Scope yes just writing helps Rosie i've never liked putting my stuff on others as i think if you have high anxiety & depression then it's a bigger issue as escalate you as opposed to talking to a friend that doesn't have anx/dep who just tend to carry on after stuff happens.

My little dog has anaemia caused by a blood cancer, i'm heartbroken, happened so fast, affecting my mum n dad too as him in their life keeps them going & me too.. I feel my families wheels are all falling off at once & i can't handle it i don't feel strong enough 😔

Albus_Alumni

I'm so sorry to hear about your little furry friend @Tumilty I've been there myself a few times, so I know how devastating it can be. I get sometimes it can feel impossible to speak to friends about things, but it's always worth a try at least, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Tumilty

Hi all @Albus_Scope .. Last night my little Syd died, he was so weak, could hardly get upstairs, i helped him up then he just keeled over, i wrapped him up & put him in his bed & the pet crematorium picked him up today.. He had blood cancer .. I'm so overwhelmed with grief & worried about the affects on my elderly parents & the affects of grief on them.. At the moment it is so raw, i'm out of my mind with anxiety, a big light has gone out & a big hole in my broken heart

Albus_Alumni

Oh @Tumilty I am so so sorry. I know how tough that can be, so please be extra gentle with yourself. We're all here to talk things through if you feel up to it later. ❤️

Tumilty

Thanks all it all feels so surreal, he was hear last night and now he's been cremated it's heartbreaking to think that.. Life has changed for the family, the house has changed with him not being there, like a fire that has gone out. Syd was my best mate I'm heart broken

Tumilty

thank you, i do need to type here as i find it therapeutic. Today the first day in 8 years i haven't woken with him in the house. I've cried buckets this morning not seeing him in the house but seeing everything that reminds me of him. I've removed his bed & toys apart from 1,the postman comes & he's not barking, the house is an empty shell. I tend to be someone that dwells on memories that then make you cry, maybe it's a way of healing. I know time is needed it's just so raw at the moment. 😭

Rosie_Scope

Sorry to hear about Syd @Tumilty, he looks like such a sweet chap. I've been through losing a pet a few times too and it never gets any easier, those first few days without them are horrible.

Crying is definitely a part of healing and it helps release all that built up stuff in your brain, so let it all out! And feel free to type away about how you're feeling if you need to, that's what we're here for ❤️

Tumilty

@Catherine21 same here i love dogs more than people, our dogs are never here for enough time, i always think that would we have preferred not to have them & have no grief or have them & take the grief & it's the former but don't make it easier. I love all animals i save spiders in the house. Syd was my 3rd Jack Russell they are lovely dogs so loyal & full of personality.. I'm upset, it's this time of night he runs upstairs to go to bed & i can't hear him, the mind plays tricks.. Heartbroken totally..then it starts again tomorrow after tonight trying to relax & tranquilize.. Thanks love & hugs back

Durhamshire

Sending heartfelt love and best wishes.

Tumilty

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/925012#Comment_925012

yes when he first came from the rescue center they didn't know his name as was from London & probably lived with an elderly person that died or gave him up hence his diet was always fed off the table.. He came the first day and was frightened obviously & bit me so Syd it was, was always a bit vicious if he didn't like anything.. So upsets me thinking back..

Tumilty

@vikki66 yes i'm sure, he loved it here, the house was his little playground jumping on & off chairs, in the window when postman or delivery person came. The whole routine has gone, he used to come upstairs for his treats around this time of day, i can still hear his bark, the noise of his paws coming upstairs but what is worst is that image of him laying over & dying which fills me full of tears & will never leave me.. A massive light in my life has gone out, the house is horrible to be in at the moment, just an empty shell. 😥

Rachel_Scope

I'm so sorry for your loss @Tumilty. Dogs are such a huge part of our lives and when they're gone it does leave a big hole. Remember all the happy times you had together. Do you have many pictures around the house of him? Things will eventually get easier, just be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what you need to ❤️

Tumilty

Thanks for your replies, i don't have pics Rachel in the house only on my phone, i can't bring myself to see them at the minute as it's so raw as it overwhelms my anxiety all the more @Catherine21 yes it was heartbreaking carrying him and his head dropped & wrapped him in his blanket & layed him in his bed, took some diazepam & cried the whole night holding him.. I have better hours then bad hours,moments of grief outbursts & then quiet & relaxed but when i get a memory it triggers me & i get teary, this is how it is the grief process but i need to still post

Tumilty

Thanks.. I'm in bits.. I been uploading photos & vids from my phone & it's been breaking my heart.. Even been looking at possible other dogs to adopt & save but unsure if it's too early & am not seeing things straight i dunno.. I miss him so much,the house is dead and my anxiety is through the roof

Tumilty

yes i'm tired & worn out, it's affecting my elderly family who i help & they had him as i been caring for them. Yes it's raw & deep i just so upset i miss his presence so much it's like i've lost a limb.. It should be a job rescuing them even if just lost one, take on another & give them a good life..

Tumilty

@Catherine21 yes the intensity of my grief has been more than any human I losr because of their unconditional love and the look they give you it so broke my heart that night it was terrible. Yer have to think that if yer do get another it won't replace yer own it's just continuing the rescue process. I am looking at a rescue but feel so guilty as I still miss Syd that's why know what you say.. In 2 minds I've been teary uploading Syd vids to keep them yet don't want to see.

Tumilty

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/926659#Comment_926659

Yes i agree in ways many people go about it in different ways on the one hand i'd feel i was treating having Syd as just another dog & having another would be showing that he wasn't loved but then strangely as it seems what would Syd think, he'd probably want us to rescue another Jack Russell like we rescued him, it was only 3 weeks after my previous dog died before getting Syd as he needed to be rescuing. Some see it as a constant job rescuing dogs that have had it bad sat in cold kennels.

My parents although upset & we all share the same grief my but anxiety/dep makes it seem worse for me my mood has been very low since especially in the mornings the guilt & anger. We all now & knew they don't last forever but it all happened so fast & painful to see, i can still hear him occasionally. Thankyou Catherine

Tumilty

Yes totally understand and make sense, void is massive.. his presence around the house, not seeing buried treats or sausages, all the day is so different & the things used to do with Syd especially for my parents as their life was organised around Syd he was their best mate too, there's a massive hole lost for them as they are elderly & a massive part of their mental health, taking him out letting out for a wee etc, when that goes it can all go downhill for them.. Yes when yer have no intention of having another or giving it time before something happens like with Syd after Tommy died, just come out of the blue sometimes.. Syd will never be replaced if we have another but for my family they need another or they'll die themselves

Tumilty

Yes miss finding food and memories of him burying stuff with his nose then when I find it he comes running, think he did on purpose like a game we played. Any other we may get will never replace but the feeling in the house with everything is terrible especially tonight it's been terrible the emptiness, we've all been reminiscing missing the empty space. Like you say after purds you didn't plan on it they just come into life then a new chapter starts. So missing him now.