Values in life

Agnia

Agnia

Agnia

Agnia

Agnia

Agnia

WhatThe

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Agnia

my English will never be like the English of the person who is a native speaker, my ex boyfriend from a long relationship was English and i loved his English, in the past when i came here i was doing some shopping for lonely people they were English some of them were especially close to me and even though sometimes it was really hard for me here for various reasons, i was also very lucky to meet wonderful people who really helped me here.

Agnia

in the past i was visiting a lady she was almost completely blind, i was doing some shopping for her and eating together with her, washing her hair and helping to clean her house where she lived alone after her husband died she took care of him until his death before that she worked as a nurse, She devoted her time to me sitting in her living room and taking to me and she wanted to teach me how to pronounce some English words better, her English was perfect, fluent and she was a wonderful person , i was really lucky to meet such people then who thought about me and cared about my fate , she was saying to me that she is very fond of me .

Agnia

Roughyed1485

This such a very hard for me to figure out 🤔 especially having Borderline Personality Disorder.

Old Me :- Caring, Trusted People, Would Go Out Of My Way For People, Heart Of Gold, Easy Going, Adventurous, Sense Of Humour, Family Oriented, Genuine, Salt Of The Earth just to name a few.

The old me was taken advantage of by family, two ex wives, was Emotionally Abused by Family and Both Ex Wives, was Financially abused by my Parents, was often treated differently to my Sister, I was a Hexagon Peg in a Round Hole in my Dads side of the Family, I was always told Can’t, Won’t and even never told I was loved by my Parents.

Relationship with my family is extinct, I’ll never say goodbye to my parents or other family members.

my first ex wife said I didn’t know what love was and I had a swinging brick for a heart when I had to end our marriage after less than 12 months.

My second ex wife well, she knew how to get her own way, hid things from me, weaponised my mental health against me by saying that my mental health wasn’t me and she knew the real me was still in there, towards the end of our marriage she kept placing demands such as - we need to go out more, you need to come to bed more (slept on the sofa 2020-2023 due to erratic sleep pattern) need more intimacy 🫢 (sorry to much info) we need to do more things as a couple, I was always putting her down, never being supportive of her dreams and ambitions, I went from wanting a child to completely saying no due to my mental health - she said she could never forgive me due to always wanting a kid after a miscarriage at 19, she would come home at night complaining and venting about work which just really set me off and she would often go to bed in tears, she would be reading and moaning about stuff in what’s app - which lead to me snapping at her to pack it in as I didn’t want to hear about it after all the rubbish I had on what’s app as a support worker etc - It took an OT on the Mental Health Unit to open my eyes to the damage that my ex wife no2 had put on me!

There was one common thread in the two marriages - a third person- ex wife number 1 - Her Mother!
ex wife no 2 - Her Best Friend!

I was also taken advantage of during my time as a support worker - a manager knew how to twist the knife when other staff members were off ill or on holiday, by putting rota’s out that had me working 48 hour shifts straight through or doing back to back sleeps where I’d go home and then go back again. She just knew how to twist the knife and get me to say yes, knowing how much the guys I looked after meant to me. Doing this meant it’s done damage to my mental health and physical health in a great way.

Ex Wife No 2 - She was all sunshine and rainbows, I was very black and white, didn’t like change, was always cancelling plans, due to my mental health I became a closed book, hardly spoke, I’d go from happy, to angry, to complete shut down very quickly, I could say cruel things without thinking, I was very snappy when tired at night,

I’ve been out of work since a huge breakdown in 2020, previously having had many weeks off with my mental health from 2015.

The new me circa 2023 - I don’t trust people, I find my heart has gone to be a lump of 50% Scottish Granite 50% Mill Stone Grit. I barely leave the house, I jump at the slightest thing, I don’t think I’m worthy of being alive, I’ve severed all ties to friends, I still hold a lot of resentment to people in my past, I’ve shut down, buried my head in the sand, I’ve become a recluse, I don’t know who I am or what purpose I have in life, I have lost interest in all hobbies, I have just become a closed book!

As I used to be an active and fit person physically, I still can’t find peace with the decline of my mental and physical disabilities in the last five years and I’m a shadow of my former self.

I do try to stick to my Buddhist teachings and beliefs, but at times it’s so hard to keep on the noble eightfold path.

I have so much stored in my head that it’s like a Barnes Wallace Grand Slam Bomb, 22,000lb’s of history waiting to explode!