Hi, my name is pinkpetal84!

pinkpetal84

Hi everyone, so please to have found this group.

I've been struggling the last 3 years and been in a bit of a mess not knowing what was wrong with me.

My mental health took a nose dive and quite frankly I'm in a huge mess.

I'm going through all sorts of tests, but so far I've been told I have bulging discs on the lumber part of my spine, when walking or moving around I have intense chest pains that feels like it's pulling from the back and my whole back aches like I can't hold myself up.

I've also been told I have something where the lining of the womb is inside the muscle so having further tests on that, I also have irritable bowel so a lot going on in one area, some days I'm just floored.

I am a single mum so have to keep going even when I can't.

Im overwhelmed everyday, I suspect I have ADHD/asd as always struggled.

I have applied for pip but having to appeal. This whole process drains you where you have nothing left and feel so crappy about yourself, to feel that nobody believes you.

My family and friends just don't see how much this is effecting me.

When do you give in and accept you can't do things? how do you manage? What does my future hold now?

Will I get better? I feel thinking I'm going to get better is somehow effecting me as I'm trying to carry on as the me I was before, but I don't think I am.

There is so much more.

Sorry for the long introduction.

Thank you for holding this space, I'm so grateful.

Many thanks

Emma 😊

pinkpetal84

Hi @Bluebell21

Thank you very much for your reply, I will look into this.

Jimm_Alumni

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/125715/hi-my-name-is-pinkpetal84

Hey @pinkpetal84, welcome to the community 😊 no need to apologise for your introduction being long. It seems like you've been wanting to sort of get this off your chest for a while if I'm not mistaken? I hope we can help and support you.

I have ADHD, so I understand the struggles you're going through if it is something like ADHD or ASD. Having to also deal with physical conditions like IBS and endometriosis at the same time just adds so much to the strain and fatigue around it all.

The PIP process does often make it feel like you don't deserve it, but that certainly doesn't mean you aren't eligible. We do have an advice section on appealing if you'd like to read more.

How are you feeling today about it all?

Please also keep an eye out for an email from us okay?

pinkpetal84

Hi Jimm_Scope

Thank you for your reply.

Yes you are right, I believe because of ADHD/asd that's what's made it so long for me to get to this point. As I doubt myself, I leave things for way to long, with having lots of life distractions.

When I first finally got the courage to see a doctor, he told me my physical symptoms were all in my mind, and all I needed was an antidepressant, he would not refer me to psychiatrist because I refused meds. I've had them before and they don't work for me. It took me another year to get the courage to go back. The doctor I have now is amazing, thankfully.

It's to be able to talk about these things to people that understand, rather than having eyes rolled at you, or feeling bad because you can't participate in something.

Thank you for you message.

What email do I need to look out for?

Many thanks Emma

Jimm_Alumni

Hey @pinkpetal84, not having eyes rolled at you is a low bar, but many people don't reach that level unfortunately! Your GP should have done a pre-assessment with you, though given that there is concern about asking for an ADHD diagnosis is a "trend" there is more scepticism around it sadly.

I'm glad your new doctor is much more supportive!

pinkpetal84

Yes some people struggle to understand something that they haven't experienced.

My mum says that she feels I wasn't right as a kid, but because I have a sister with cerebral palsey, she put it down to the fact I didn't get much attention as a kid, so I was deemed a naughty child.

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and it's only though bringing her up for the 17years that I started to notice how similar we are.

And now being able to reflect back on my life and see that I've always struggled and never felt 'normal' and confused as to how people get through life.

Its just so hard to be heard properly, I get very frustrated that I'm not expressing myself properly.

Also I just have this big sense of confusion as to why the world is the way it is. Psychology runs so deep, I'm hyper vigilant so notice things and pick up on subtle things that others don't notice, which this effects my relationships.

I think I'm desperate for someone to hear me properly.

But then this makes me feel very selfish, as why should I matter so much to anyone else. I should just matter for me.

Sorry you've got me going now lol.

Thank you for hearing me.

pinkpetal84

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/943186#Comment_943186

Thank you so much.

I was feeling that as I wrote my last message.

It feels safe to talk, hence I feel I can't stop now lol.

I searched the other day for a number to call to talk to someone and I'm sure scope came up for a number to call and chat, but I chickened out and thought just get over yourself Emma, there are far worse people than you, but then somehow I came across this.

I feel safe here, as no one knows me.

I know you're mentioned about having an assessment with ss but this terrifies me.

I feel I will be misunderstood, and they mix everything up to look like I'm incapable of taking care of my kids, but the fact is it's me I struggle to take care of, I give my all to my children, but forget about myself, like I'm irrelevant.

I've been trying to make myself a self care plan for over a year now, I just can't stick to it. There feels so much to remember for myself, I will start something (like I decided to start taking a supplement to help me) then before I know it's been weeks and I've not taken. Times this with all the things you are supposed to do to take care of yourself and then it's all to overwhelming.

I have times where I feel I can take all this by the horns and 'just' sort myself out, then before I know I'm shut down and in a hole.

But I have to keep smiling, put on my armour and carry on.

Just like a duck on water, it's all calm on the outside but underneath everythings going crazy lol.

The reason I'm scared is because people that don't experience this in life come up with there own perception of how things are, and cause more havoc for you or do nothing at all.

Again leaving you either feeling like you don't matter or that you have failed.

I look back on my life and all I see is failure, bad decisions, toxic people that I've allowed in my life because 'i need them'.

Ever get the feeling that you just want to be someone else? That's not me.

I grew up being told treat people how you want to be treated, I did that all my life, I held that moral so deep, but the fact is it's not real, it's doesn't mean that people will treat you like that, it just means that people will take advantage of you and disregard you.

Sorry for ranting, I feel I should be writing this in a journal that only I can see.

It kind of feels that way, as people in my phone are just that lol

Thank you for taking the time to message me with kind words and reassurance. It means the world to me, I can feel the human love and connection even though it's just word my on screen.

I feel deeply for humanity and wish I could change it all.

❤️

pinkpetal84

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/943209#Comment_943209

Thank you, this brought tears to my eyes.

What a wonderful human you are ❤️.

Yes I have been holding it all in for a life time.

I think turning 40 has made me assess everything.

Thank you, from my soul ❤️

pinkpetal84

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/943465#Comment_943465

HI @Bluebell21

Sorry i haven't been on or replied.

I'm currently in hospital with my daughter shes had heart surgery and things have been going a bit wild, shes had a really rough time and its been very traumatic.

Hoping to be back home in a couple of days.

many thanks for checking in on me 💜

pinkpetal84

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/945778#Comment_945778

Thank you 😊

Jimm_Alumni

I hope things go well with your daughter @pinkpetal84

It's funny you mention you realised how similar you and your daughter are alike. After I was diagnosed with ADHD I discovered how similar me and my mum are alike. Just little things we do in a similar way.

pinkpetal84

@Jimm_Scope

Thank you.

Yes I can also see traits in my mum and dad, as I've become more self aware I see things in them too.

Thank you for messaging.

pinkpetal84

Good morning @Bluebell21

Thank you. Yes things are going in the right direction, with a few side steps, hopefully will be home in couple of days.

pinkpetal84

@Bluebell21

Hi, I'm so sorry. I actually forgot this place existed.

My daughter is doing really well, I think we're in just over a week in the end, it was supposed to be an in and out thing.

I've had a bit of a rough ride with other things also and still going.

Isn't crazy that for some, trauma seems to follow them around like a shadow and no matter what you do, it just keeps coming. Always feeling like you head is barely above water.

How are you? Nice to be back 😊 I just suddenly remember our of the blue.