Hi, my name is pinkpetal84!

Hi @Bluebell21

Thank you very much for your reply, I will look into this.

Hi Jimm_Scope

Thank you for your reply.

Yes you are right, I believe because of ADHD/asd that's what's made it so long for me to get to this point. As I doubt myself, I leave things for way to long, with having lots of life distractions.

When I first finally got the courage to see a doctor, he told me my physical symptoms were all in my mind, and all I needed was an antidepressant, he would not refer me to psychiatrist because I refused meds. I've had them before and they don't work for me. It took me another year to get the courage to go back. The doctor I have now is amazing, thankfully.

It's to be able to talk about these things to people that understand, rather than having eyes rolled at you, or feeling bad because you can't participate in something.

Thank you for you message.

What email do I need to look out for?

Many thanks Emma

Yes some people struggle to understand something that they haven't experienced.

My mum says that she feels I wasn't right as a kid, but because I have a sister with cerebral palsey, she put it down to the fact I didn't get much attention as a kid, so I was deemed a naughty child.

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and it's only though bringing her up for the 17years that I started to notice how similar we are.

And now being able to reflect back on my life and see that I've always struggled and never felt 'normal' and confused as to how people get through life.

Its just so hard to be heard properly, I get very frustrated that I'm not expressing myself properly.

Also I just have this big sense of confusion as to why the world is the way it is. Psychology runs so deep, I'm hyper vigilant so notice things and pick up on subtle things that others don't notice, which this effects my relationships.

I think I'm desperate for someone to hear me properly.

But then this makes me feel very selfish, as why should I matter so much to anyone else. I should just matter for me.

Sorry you've got me going now lol.

Thank you for hearing me.

Thank you so much.

I was feeling that as I wrote my last message.

It feels safe to talk, hence I feel I can't stop now lol.

I searched the other day for a number to call to talk to someone and I'm sure scope came up for a number to call and chat, but I chickened out and thought just get over yourself Emma, there are far worse people than you, but then somehow I came across this.

I feel safe here, as no one knows me.

I know you're mentioned about having an assessment with ss but this terrifies me.

I feel I will be misunderstood, and they mix everything up to look like I'm incapable of taking care of my kids, but the fact is it's me I struggle to take care of, I give my all to my children, but forget about myself, like I'm irrelevant.

I've been trying to make myself a self care plan for over a year now, I just can't stick to it. There feels so much to remember for myself, I will start something (like I decided to start taking a supplement to help me) then before I know it's been weeks and I've not taken. Times this with all the things you are supposed to do to take care of yourself and then it's all to overwhelming.

I have times where I feel I can take all this by the horns and 'just' sort myself out, then before I know I'm shut down and in a hole.

But I have to keep smiling, put on my armour and carry on.

Just like a duck on water, it's all calm on the outside but underneath everythings going crazy lol.

The reason I'm scared is because people that don't experience this in life come up with there own perception of how things are, and cause more havoc for you or do nothing at all.

Again leaving you either feeling like you don't matter or that you have failed.

I look back on my life and all I see is failure, bad decisions, toxic people that I've allowed in my life because 'i need them'.

Ever get the feeling that you just want to be someone else? That's not me.

I grew up being told treat people how you want to be treated, I did that all my life, I held that moral so deep, but the fact is it's not real, it's doesn't mean that people will treat you like that, it just means that people will take advantage of you and disregard you.

Sorry for ranting, I feel I should be writing this in a journal that only I can see.

It kind of feels that way, as people in my phone are just that lol

Thank you for taking the time to message me with kind words and reassurance. It means the world to me, I can feel the human love and connection even though it's just word my on screen.

I feel deeply for humanity and wish I could change it all.

❤️

Thank you, this brought tears to my eyes.

What a wonderful human you are ❤️.

Yes I have been holding it all in for a life time.

I think turning 40 has made me assess everything.

Thank you, from my soul ❤️