Moving house at Christmas -I'm really stressing 😭

starbuck

We are in the middle of a house move.We have moved ourselves because of cost and I've still got many trips to do to empty and clean the old house.

Our adult kids are helping but because of their autism they are really struggling with the move.

One of our kids and their partner who uses a chair want to come to us for Christmas as usual. I thought they'd come by train but the said they can't manage the chair, luggage and their cat and have asked me to pick them up. Its an 85 mile round trip to their place and I really don't have the time and energy to do it, but if I say no it ruins Christmas for the rest of the family.

To be honest I don't even know where they're going to sit as our new furniture is due after christmas so we're just sitting on boxes and deckchairs.

I've got myself so worked up about all this but I'm really at the end of my tether both physically and emotionally.

Part of me says just give in and collect them for an easy life but the other part of me wishes they'd just made other arrangements this year.

Sorry for the long rant. 😒😢

Kimmy87

Tell them how you are feeling and how things are at your new home, put the ball in their court and see what they say.

It does occur to me if they do end up visiting that's two more helpers at the old house which would take more work off you.

hmass01

Do you have anyone else that could collect them? Or maybe politely & firmly say really sorry the house is not going to be ready to host at Christmas, perhaps they could host you on this occasion.

Now in regards to your house move let's prioritize things.

Is there a time limit on cleaning the old house?

Let's look at the unpacking- you don't have to do everything in a day, prioritize rooms- as you say your new furniture isn't there yet so break it down into what you need, in my case it would be bedroom & kitchen- as long as I can sleep & have a cup of tea I'm happy.

Rome wasn't built in a day & you have the rest of your life to unpack boxes.

But if cost allows maybe get a price for an end of tenancy clean, having recently moved myself I was actually quite surprised at the cost.

Perhaps with your autistic children give them their own rooms to sort.

Donna_donna

It's really OK to say no.(even to your own adult kids )

And it's OK,if not essential to put yourself first.

Especially if you are chronically unwell or have other heavy demands during stressful times.

Maybe you could do something together when you're settled and christmas is out of the way?

Bluebell21

Hi @starbuck Sometime the hardest word is no. Perhaps explain you are not doing Christmas this year, but once you have moved into your new home you will arrange something then.

Christmas is not cancelled just deferred.

Please try and find some time for yourself. Moving house is stressful at the best of times and including Christmas is just to much for you.

Please take care of yourself and I hope your move goes well.

theme79

I feel your pain !

we moved around Xmas 2019 from our family 3 bed semi because of cost but largely accessibility as a wheelchair user the house was becoming more inaccessible- my autistic daughter was about to move to a flat and my other son has left home both in their 20s

we only lived 3 miles to an accessible ground floor flat - and my sibling and he family live 3 miles away - we paid for movers but it nearly broke my wife as no one helped - with anything and we had a few realices pop in for Christmas to comment how we hadn’t unpacked all our boxes yet !

im afraid even if you do seem help few non disable people understand the day to day physical (let alone psychological) stress and exhaustion living with impairments.

5 years on we are just about recovered but the level of family, friends and social support is sadly very poor if not non existent unless you are very well me off and can pay - even then care is hard to find and the c quality is barely acceptable.

If you are getting help I would say you are at least understood at some level so explaining would surely mean a compromise would be both possible but also mutually beneficial

JennieWren

I think the above posts have some great advice. Moving is one of the most stressful things you do in life, but to do it in December is really tough. I’ve moved on 16th December before and it’s so hard to try to do it all.
For this year I would explain to your family the situation and that it’s going to be different this year - maybe they have some ideas to make it easier? Im not sure if the older son is autistic too, but sometimes communication needs to be blunt and boundaries firm so that they get the message (my daughter and her boyfriend are autistic). Money and time is also an issue this year, so if you do want to go ahead with collecting your son etc tell them that they’ll need to compensate you, for petrol and your time. If I drive my family anywhere long distance eg to the airport , which puts me out, we either agree a rate (cheaper than a taxi but not just petrol money) or we know we’ll return the favour soon. Or could someone else eg a neighbour have the cat? That way they could probably manage their luggage. My friend loads her chair up with all sorts and sometimes on her lap too, it’s amazing how much she can carry. Families are tricky because we don’t want to offend and of course you want your family to be together, but is it worth your health and peace? Perhaps start now making plans for next year, that might lessen the blow of so much change this year?

Sandy_123

Hi @starbuck I can understand the frustration, with everything that your going through and then a long drive to fetch someone just adds to the stress. Maybe talk through it with the family and see what they say, would a coach work better to pick them up? I think it wouldn't be you ruining Xmas if you said no as you can only do so much

Kimmy87

Based on this and your previous thread, it's not your responsibility to provide Christmas for the family (especially adult children), it's okay to say no, to say we do things differently or not at all, it's okay to put yourself first.

It's also not your responsibility to make provision for a cat which belongs to two other adults.

There will be disability assistance available at each end of the train journey which they can pre book.

Your adult child & partner might be feeling obligated to carry on having Christmas the same, they might secretly want an independent Christmas within their own household.

My Mum was genuinely relieved when I suggested changes this year.

Catherine21

It's so hard to say no but you actually have so much on and that itself becomes overwhelming maybe you can express you didn't think that it would be as stressful and time consuming and this year could they possibly make travel plans themselves or when your moved in and settled you could come anytime to collect if people can't understand how much it is for you thier only thinking of thier needs and not seeing whole picture it's ok to say it's to much and feel that it's not achievable at this moment in time say moving is one of the top three stressful situations

birdwatcher

Ooh Starbuck, I do feel for you. When we moved years ago it was first week in December. I wouldn't have needed any extra stress. I was able bodied then too

Can you explain that you're up to your eyes and drowning, there's no way you can jump through hoops. You sound worn out as it is.

I think this year needs to be a quiet one for you. The family are being unreasonable if they expect business as usual. If they grumble, which they might well do, remind them Easter comes a few months after Christmas, maybe when you're settled you can get together then

You can't everything, don't attempt to

Other than that I wish you good luck and happiness in your new home . Take care x

IndignantPigeon

Hi Starbuck, some very wise comments here from the others which I can't better so I'll just add a big <hug> from us all. Moving house alone can be stressful enough, let alone dealing with family members with autism - I'm trying to say that kindly, having personal experience with a close family member I know how stressful change can be for them and how much you feel you need to devote yourself to putting their welfare first. And I expect they've been building up their excitement in the run-up to Christmas, it's all around them after all, music and buzzing shops and now Christmas everywhere on the TV…

In your shoes I think I'd cave in and have them over for the big day, and maybe Boxing day, then run them back and have the place to yourselves. You'll feel much more relaxed and able to deal with everything once it's over, better than putting the family meeting off for a week or two. If it takes you longer than normal to drive to reach them so be it, you'll be exhausted even without the driving. If they find boxes to sit on etc when they arrive they'll probably be quite glad to get back home before long, and you won't have hurt feelings and bad memories.

Is there any chance you could video your new home with all the stuff to unpack, boxes etc and let them see what it looks like? That might put them off coming at all. But I would try and involve them if you can, make them feel they're still part of your family, as I suspect that's what they want from this more than anything else. Autistic people are still needy, even if they're adults and even if they don't visibly reciprocate their feelings.

Best of luck whatever you do, and I hope everything has smoothed over by the New Year!

frozenpelvis

Hi Starbucks, it’s not being a Christmas Grinch to say no, you must be exhausted and you need to look after your own health. Explain to them that this year you are not in a position to host Christmas but you are looking forward to next year when the house will be organised to receive guest/family for Christmas and also the move has literally exhausted you, so you are going to take the few days over Christmas to rest and pace yourself preparing for the new furniture. They will understand and if they don’t that’s not on you, it’s on them and they need to learn to be more considerate to your needs too.