How to not insult Autistic Adults with anything that does not insult non autistic adult

tatianamcclintock

Merry Christmas everyone, and happy holidays!

I hope you can give me advice from your Asperger/autistic perspective so that I will not offend my son. It is hard to know what offends him and what not. It could be related to Asperger/autistic sensitivity.

We selected a book as a gift for Christmas for my son 31 yo about a man who gave the first idea to computers, and who is an autistic and gay.

He refused and said it was offensive to him. I asked him if he is gay he said not. Then, it must be that the book we gave was offensive because it is about autistic man?

Hmm. I was utterly confused here. If I was given a book about let's say Russian expats, because I am, would I be offended? I may not like it too much but why would anyone be offended?

I offered to bring a water to his bedroom, but he said not needed, I mattered "Dont be like a baby" and he said he was insulted. Hmmm

I am scratching my head now.

Would you agree that the gift was offensive and remarks are insulting? From your Asperger perspective.

Thank you.

Sandy_123

Hi @tatianamcclintock welcome to the forum that's a shame his present wasn't wanted. I gave money to the adults so they can choose their own. Easier lol

SarahT41

I'm sorry to hear the gift didn't go down well. It's really difficult to know why your son had the reaction he did, he might not even know himself right now. It seems like he doesn't want to have the conversation right now and that's ok.

I would say something like "I'm sorry that I've upset you. I got you the book because (whatever reason drew you to it - he likes computers, he's interested in WW2 history and codebreakers, I've assumed it's Alan Turing!) You don't have to tell me today but when you are ready it would help me to know why I've upset you so I make sure I don't upset you again"

It's tempting to offer suggestions of why you think he might be offended but I would avoid that if you can. Just let him know you're sorry and you care that he has been hurt, and he can tell you when he is ready.

tatianamcclintock

Such a great advise to ask him for reason later. I did not think of it. He speaks sometimes I am harassing him if I bring up a different point of view on any subject that we already discussed and he said he does not want to talk about. But I bring it up again if I find some points relevant to the discussion. Hmm. The arguments at the end from parents is to make their children to be happy and to make good decisions.

OverlyAnxious

For future reference, it is offensive to directly ask anyone if they are gay. Perhaps he is and didn't feel ready to tell you. Or perhaps he's still trying to understand that aspect of life himself. That should be left to the individual to decide when they want to talk about it.

Also, I do feel it's a bit insensitive to give a book based on a health condition. I don't see that in the same vane as being a Russian expat at all. I have had people buy me 'self-help' books and 'relaxation aids' in the past since the word anxiety was regrettably mentioned to them in passing, and is not the main restriction on daily life in my case. I don't really get offended, try to see things from both sides, but that sort of thing seems completely inappropriate for a gift to me.

I'd also be interested to know whether he reads story type books in general? Some neurodiverse people have trouble making mental pictures from words alone which makes reading this sort of thing boring and pointless. (Took me years to understand what other people were getting out of it!) If that is true for your son, he may prefer to watch the film instead. As long as the emphasis is on the computer science and code breaking, not just because of his condition.

tatianamcclintock

Thank you so much! Indeed, neither a father of my son nor myself thought it would be inappropriate. And books versus films comment is very interesting. Thank you.