Toxic relationship with my mother. Need advice!

Gadget9616

My mother is engulfing my world. I am in my 30s, I live independently with my son, working full time and do not ask for any help (i am visually impaired!).

Over the past few years, my mother seems to have taken over every aspect of my world. She turns up at my workplace on my breaks, she waits outside my home for when I get home and then proceeds to stay for hours. I will state I've got to go out, to the supermarket etc, she will offer to drive me, or if me & my son decide we are off to the pub for dinner, she will join us.I can't seem to escape. I keep everything a secret as she will attempt to take over & control it. I even go to the gym in secret, because last time she caught wind of me joining the gym, she joined up too.

She uses my sight as the reason for this interference, saying I will need her, that she is there to assist me & my son needs someone to help "guide him" (he is a teenager, so not helpless).

Me & my son live a very full life, we travel & explore, we have a couple of hobbies that we do together. My friendship circle has reduced to zero recently as I am never alone anymore, my mother is always there. She won't leave until she is ready, I've tried.

Lately I've been looking into a guide dog, just doing some research for my future, trying to decide if this is something I'd be open to. In this research, I came across travel issues with a dog, my mmother saw my laptop screen and stated she would happily babysit a guide dog if needed, saying she would "work" it and it could travel everywhere with her.

I sense she loves the fact I'm loosing my sight, she tells everyone! The cashier in the supermarket does not need to know nor does strangers a queue.

I'm feeling trapped, she won't listen to my boundaries, using my sight as the reason. How do I take back my life?

Bluebell21

Hi @Gadget9616 It sounds like your mother needs you not the other way round.

Does she live on her own, does she have her own friends she could do things with?

Perhaps you could suggest that she looks at any groups she might like to join. Her Local Council will have a list of activities in her area.

Are you able to tell you mother you need some of your own space to do things you want to do and you would prefer it if she was not always tagging along.

I can understand you feeling trapped your mother is not allowing you to be independent.

Please take care.

Ironside1990

The dog is effectively your eyes. Your mam can't babysit it.

Is there anyone in your family who can talk to your mam? This need from her to control you,will cause resentment.

Gadget9616

I'm not sure how to tag people, do I'll just reply here to both.

My mother lives with my father, he is disabled and just goes wherever he's told. She does have friends, but given how she constantly tells them she has to look after her disabled child, the invitations have reduced to things. I've told her I need space, she just overrides it with "well I don't count". This is what has stopped me going out and being social.

As for the babysitting the dog thing. I was just doing research on travelling with a guide dog and I told my son that we would have to be careful when we go places because I wouldn't take dog if the temperature was too hot.

My silbling doesn't get treated like this, and has attempted to speak to her regarding this, but it always falls on deaf ears. She doesn't see what she is doing wrong, she's the hero in her eyes. As for resentment, oh its already there. My son is fed up, he doesn't engage in any kind of communication with her now, he just sulks off to his room. He needs the space too.

Bluebell21

Hi @Gadget9616 To tag someone just put @ in front of their user name then a box should drop down and click on the name you want.

Your mother needs to understand it is not about her. Can she not see your son is not happy with the situation?

I am not sure how you make her understand you have to have space if she will not listen.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Kimmy87

I'd suggest if words are falling on deaf ears, actions may speak louder.

Talk to your boss at work about not letting her access your workplace, don't let her into your house (changing locks if necessary).

Either ignore offers of help with no response, or adopt the broken record technique, basically repeating one phrase turning her down and stick to it. No debate, no discussion, just that brokem record response.

If you wanted, you could also speak to your local Police Community Support Officer because I feel the way she is behaving towards you is harassment.